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My irrational jealousy & WH confusing response

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Scubachick posted 8/18/2014 22:46 PM

Before my husband had an EA, I had no issues with jealousy or insecurity issues.

Now I do and it's something I really dislike about myself. It makes me feel pathetic. I'm not so hard on myself when it comes to the OW because I feel that's a normal reaction to that kind of situation. It's when I get jealous/insecure and there's no real threat. So tonight I apologized to my WH for my jealousy and insecurities about this one particular girl. I know it weighs on him and I'm sure it's frustrating because he's not doing anything wrong. His solution is to stay home or remove the girl from the situation and be done with it. I know it's not really about the girl so I don't want that...she's not the problem...I am!! I'm just scared and I don't trust him yet. He actually seems hurt that I would doubt him. He asked me " do you really think I want something from this girl" I told him "no, but I didn't think you would want something from the OW either and you did so that's just it..I don't know how the difference". He said if you don't want me to get rid of her and you don't want me to stay home from work, tell me how to fix it then. I said I need reassurance and maybe a little empathy for why I feel like this to begin with. He says he gives me those things. I guess to some extent he does but why don't I feel it or why isn't it working? Does anyone else feel this way?

His response back to me tonight was "we'll get through this together" and he started to tear up so I said I know this weighs on you a lot. He said "it's hard to see you like this and it beats my confidence down. I feel like a less of a man because of it". He very rarely opens up like that so I don't want to push it. I don't know what to make of his response. I'm confused if he's saying that my insecurities/jealousy make him feel bad and like less of a man or if he's saying his actions that caused my insecurities make him feel bad? Because I kind of get the feeling that he's saying I make him feel that way and he 's not taking any ownership in why I'm like this now. Maybe I'm wrong though.

lovesobroken posted 8/18/2014 22:52 PM

I feel it's both scubachick ((())). I think maybe just accept that it will take time and trust built over a period of time and being aware of t these frustrating periods and just talking about it. I feel you guya are doing the right things and if your intentions are all honest and you keep communicating, this is expected and you're moving in a positive direction IMO.

Wodnships posted 8/18/2014 23:11 PM

No real advice here, but I really can relate. I find the hardest things about dealing with the affair are changes that it has caused in me. I catch myself thinking in ways that I don't like some times. I'm always trying to work on it.

BtraydWife posted 8/19/2014 00:23 AM

I think it's unfair to call your insecurities irrational. You said it yourself, you weren't like this before the A. They aren't irrational. They are an appropriate response to what you experienced.

The other thing that stood out to me was him telling you he already provides the response you asked for. I guess you must not feel the same way if you asked him to do it.

When you presented how you felt about the situation he didn't say something like, "I'm sorry I have caused you to worry about these things". He challenged your trust in him. You think I want her? That seems inappropriate and that's not the empathy you asked for. But then he tells you that it is. Something doesn't add up.

Tell him the words you want to hear. Tell him the words you don't want to hear. Explain the difference between the two and how that difference makes you feel. If you are asking for a reaction from him, then you aren't getting that need filled with the reaction he provides.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 12:25 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

sisoon posted 8/19/2014 07:54 AM

Yeah...not necessarily irrational. Since it's just one woman, it may very well be that you're correctly interpreting very subtle communications that are destined to blow up, even though neither your H nor the woman are fully aware of the vibes.

LivingALie posted 8/19/2014 09:22 AM

He said "it's hard to see you like this and it beats my confidence down. I feel like a less of a man because of it".

This is the part that stuck out to me. It's about HIM and HE feels. Well -my husband used to say things like that too then I would end up feeling bad for HIM and Id apologize to him for making him feel that way. I would dismiss my own feelings because I would feel awful that he felt bad then later on Id resent that MY feelings were never taken into account but guess what, it was ME that dismissed my feelings.

WRONG. If thats how he feels then thats how he feels and thats OK dont take responsibility for his feelings. Dont feel badly that he feels bad. He should be doing everything he can to make you feel safe.

Geez..i feel like I just wrote in circles so Im not sure if I made any sense there or not

seethelight posted 8/19/2014 10:37 AM

think it's unfair to call your insecurities irrational. You said it yourself, you weren't like this before the A. They aren't irrational. They are an appropriate response to what you experienced.

It's not an irrational response. It's a normal defensive responsive, after a intimate betrayal.

Also, as others have noted, you spouse sounds as if he is blameshifting and in "poor me" mode.

Dont feel badly that he feels bad. He should be doing everything he can to make you feel safe.

^^^^^^^^^^^And, BTW, he should feel badly about hiself for his affair.

Scubachick posted 8/19/2014 13:13 PM

Thank you all for replies. I say irrational because the girl is the girlfriend of one of his employee's and for some strange reason she comes to work with him every night. I'm just uncomfortable with this. The girl has never said a word to my husband but I just fear that she'll eventually start bringing her friends around to keep her company and the next thing I know they will all end up at the casino in middle of the night and I'll be sound asleep at home none the wiser...just like last time with the OW. My husband said he'll tell the guy not to bring his girlfriend but he will probably quit as he already has a full time day job and working nights is pretty much a favor to my husband. He said he doesn't care and will find someone else but I want to deal with my feelings not make them go away. I know the girl is not the problem. I fear I may be targeting the girl because she's an easy target and because it gives a name and face to my fears. Her and her sisters have bad reputation around town. I know how some girls can be when they know a man is wealthy. I'm being ridiculous....I know I am. I don't want to be this person!!! I'm better than this. I want to be able to say I'm not going to worry about other women because if he cheats on me again, it's his loss. I just feel like I was dropped off in a foreign country and I'm unsure about everyone in it. I have no sense of security or no safe place to call home. And half the time my husband is speaking a language I don't understand. Oh god I really need more IC lol... Have an appt next week:)

Wodnships posted 8/19/2014 13:19 PM

You know telling someone to not bring their girlfriend to work isn't the end of the world. I can think of very few jobs where it's appropriate to have your girlfriend hang out all day. So, from that prospective I wouldn't worry about it.

I really do empathize with what you are saying. In a lot of ways I feel like I've been a worse husband post affair then I was before. The fact that you recognize it as an issue and you don't want to be this way is a huge start. Change takes time. Try and be a little patient with yourself.

BtraydWife posted 8/19/2014 14:07 PM

It's still not irrational. It makes perfect sense. You don't trust him for a reason and it's because of his history.

Whores proposition men all the time and get turned down. It's not about the women. The real threat comes from your husband.

Has he done everything you requested of him to heal and make you feel safe. This posts makes me think he hasn't.

One thing though--> Him giving the impression that he is offended that you don't trust him is a red flag. That alone makes me not trust him.

Rebuilding trust doesn't work that way. He's not the trust mafia.

Perhaps him leaving the situation or getting rid of the girl is what he thinks is the best response? Afterall no situation or girl is important enough to risk your marriage.

Him being offended makes me wonder though if instead of dealing with any temptation by building up his boundaries if he just refuses to face the situation. Then, because girls are all over, eventually he will fail when he can't escape. I hope that made sense.

I guess that's my concern, that and him meeting your needs. This insecurity is something for him to address.

wanttogoforward posted 8/19/2014 14:24 PM

Jealousy after an A is not irrational... it's understandable....

For me I know that during times that things did not feel right... like times of his emotional cheating I THOUGHT I was feeling jealousy when it may have been my gut screaming at me! I ignored some of that.... my intuition was telling me that something was off and I just chalked it up to jealousy..... in each case it turned out there was something inappropriate going on..... it is essential to be in tuned with your own body and emotions..... it may be jealousy in some cases... but not all....

and even if it is jealousy don't be too hard on yourself- it's a normal emotion to have... it's how you handle those emotions that matters... and I think talking to your spouse who is helpful is the best way to handle that!

Scubachick posted 8/19/2014 23:35 PM

This is the part that stuck out to me. It's about HIM and HE feels. Well -my husband used to say things like that too then I would end up feeling bad for HIM and Id apologize to him for making him feel that way. I would dismiss my own feelings because I would feel awful that he felt bad then later on Id resent that MY feelings were never taken into account but guess what, it was ME that dismissed my feelings.

Exactly!! He's done this since the beginning. I tell him how selfish it is that he always finds a way to make it about him and how he's feeling. How did you get yours to stop doing this?

Scubachick posted 8/20/2014 12:27 PM

I guess after hearing so many people tell me that my jealousy is normal I relaxed a little and I did not really feel jealous last night. Weird, right? I didn't even call or text him to ask about her or what she was doing. That's a first! He came home a few hours early though so maybe that has something to do it.

Anyway, I still found a way to screw up the night. When my WH walked away from the family business, his family pretty much disowned him. His sister was forced to work for the first time in 18 years. She fired someone and they stopped by our house upset about it and wanted to talk. I started asking him questions about OW because she still works there. He tells me that OW and my sister are law are tight now! So last night I brought that up and was saying I know OW is telling his sister all our business and I called ow a name and I said "and you thought she was trustworthy, loyal and perfect" (ow was my WH GM and right hand man keeper of secrets). My husband has a deer in headlights look and I said "yeah you have nothing to say" and he said "that's bad that I have nothing to say"? and I said "of coarse not, I know how hard it is on you to hear or say anything negative on OW" he said "that's not true" and walked away and went to bed. I went outside and sat on the dock and cried until 4 am until 2 dolphins showed up...lol how can anyone be sad around dolphins

Hurtbuthopeful35 posted 8/20/2014 13:10 PM

Has your husband done any reading? My husband is finding How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair very helpful. I've also explained to him clearly why I do certain things, like ask a million repeat questions, and have directed him to information that validates these behaviors as normal. Lastly, I have found telling my husband what I need him to do/say helps him to handle the situations in the future.

My husband sometimes feels nothing he can say/do fixes this so he clams up. When I tell him what I need, I think the simplicity relieves him.

Gotmegood posted 8/20/2014 13:15 PM

Scuba- think about this distinction: you may not be proud of, or happy with, your reactions to your WH around random females. You named this feeling 'jealousy'. My guess is that it is really a 'fear' that you are feeling. That's legitimate, and you can work on that. Where you were incorrect was in labeling it 'irrational'. Your reactions are exactly what a rational person should be having in response to finding out that your trust was misplaced. I think it is a good thing that you shared these feelings with WH. It's important for both of you to recognize that it falls to him to provide assurances.....for a long time to come....that your jealousy (fear) based on his shitty choices is unfounded.
If and when I would express a need (usually a reassurance) from WH, and in response I would hear him say something that resembled your spouses answer to you, wherein they profess that they believe that are trying hard and that your continued asking or identifying things that you want from him are causing HIM pain in some fashion, I would initially react just like you! I would drop it. I would let it go. But, being so tuned in to how crappy I was feeling about life after his A, it would keep nagging at me. I realized I was NOT getting what I needed/wanted from him. In fact, I was led to think that I ought to feel sorry for him since he professed he was trying so hard, and being 'good'. But he was NOT being good at making ME feel safe. You might try validating his belief that he is trying to rebuild your faith in him, but point out that he is lacking in getting it across to you. Does that make sense? Boy, this really sucks doesn't it? I liked life a whole lot better when I could trust and have faith in my partner, as I should have been able to.

Scubachick posted 8/21/2014 02:03 AM

Has your husband done any reading? My husband is finding How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair very helpful. I've also explained to him clearly why I do certain things, like ask a million repeat questions, and have directed him to information that validates these behaviors as normal. Lastly, I have found telling my husband what I need him to do/say helps him to handle the situations in the future

I bought the book and he never read it. I would email him articles and he said he read them but never replies. I've been in IC for over 12 years working on myself. Many of those years I spent learning to identify what I'm feeling and expressing it. When I try to explain why I feel something to my WH I lose him quick. He can't identify his own emotions even. He's weird. When I try to help him get down to the bottom of his issues with his parents, I ask him about his childhood and he can't remember. I asked did your mother hug you and tell you she loves you as a child. He says he doesn't think so. How do you not know that?? If he reads a quote, I have to explain what it means to him. He's so detached. He went 2 years without telling our son "I love you".

Scubachick posted 8/21/2014 02:18 AM

Gotmegood,

Yes! That makes a lot of sense. I will try to validate his effort and then say it's not having the effect on me that he thinks it does or that I need. I do admit, my delivery can be harsh and I think the message gets lost sometimes because of that. At times I think maybe he's giving all he's capable of giving and the rest of the work is up to me.

I do resent the way he always makes it about him somehow. And I end up trying to cheer him up, build his ego back up and like you said sit there feeling guilty. He's so good at flipping it around. I wonder if I do that to him? I don't think so.

Wodnships posted 8/21/2014 09:09 AM

I guess after hearing so many people tell me that my jealousy is normal I relaxed a little and I did not really feel jealous last night. Weird, right?

The best indication of future performance is past performance. There is nothing irrational about not trusting a WS around the opposite sex.

I bought the book and he never read it. I would email him articles and he said he read them but never replies.


At times I think maybe he's giving all he's capable of giving and the rest of the work is up to me.

Maybe at times you wonder if he's giving all that he can, but read these things you said back to back. He clearly is not.


I do resent the way he always makes it about him somehow. And I end up trying to cheer him up, build his ego back up and like you said sit there feeling guilty.

Careful. There is a very thin line between between love and codependency. (a theme around here lately.) The truth is if someone doesn't find a way to build them selves up from with in your efforts are fleeting at best. Extrinsic modification simply doesn't last and has a diminishing rate of return your husband has to learn to build himself up.

My wife does this too. If I have a bad day, even if it has nothing to do with her, and tell her about how I'm feeling it almost always ends up about her and how bad she feels. I call her out on it. You need to be allowed to have your feelings good and bad without him hijacking your moment. That is what he is doing.

sisoon posted 8/21/2014 09:22 AM

Yes! That makes a lot of sense. I will try to validate his effort and then say it's not having the effect on me that he thinks it does or that I need. I do admit, my delivery can be harsh and I think the message gets lost sometimes because of that. At times I think maybe he's giving all he's capable of giving and the rest of the work is up to me.

How did you screw up by telling your H that SIL & ow are tight? Sounds like legitimate venting to me. You just learned your H's screw up put you in yet another type of risk, you got angry, and you mentioned it to him. What? He couldn't muster an honest expression of shame, regret, and apology?

What is your H doing to change from cheater to good partner? If he's in IC, what are his goals and, what progress has he made?

You say you're frustrated and not getting what you want. Those are signs of dealing with an unremorseful WS. Have you considered doing at least some part of the 180?

Scubachick posted 8/21/2014 18:51 PM

Sisoon, if I did the 180 my husband would love it. Maybe I'm misunderstanding it? My moods pretty much control his. If I'm a mess, he's a bigger mess. If I'm happy or pretending to be, he feels like he can take on the world.

I think the disconnect between us stems from the fact the he truly believes all he did wrong was take another female to a casino and lie to me about it. He thinks this because there was no sexual talk, no physical touching, and claims he had no feelings for her and wasn't attracted to her. Which if that was all there was to it, I would agree. But there was something about this girl from day one (long before they went to the casino) that he felt he had to keep a secret from me. You don't list a female under a different contact name, never say a word about her to me, text her 100 plus times a day...not to mention his professional boundaries especially with a female disappeared with only this girl. Plus you wouldn't continue to lie and cover it up, have the OW lie to me if was just about blackjack. Especially after I caught on. His IC says he's in denial about his feelings for this girl. Not that he loved her or anything but that he let his guard down and enjoyed the attention. It made work a little more exciting etc. IC says his foo issues play a large part of not being able to admit to himself how he felt about her.

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