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whyme1525 posted 8/19/2014 00:47 AM

So it's been a year since D-day and it feels like it was just yesterday. The worst part is my wife is on vacation this week and were supposed to go away.. I don't know how im supposed to go away and act like nothing is wrong when It's killing me inside. It's been a year and I really still don't know what exactly I want anymore im still not sure if I want to stay or go. One day I just want to leave and be done the next I want to R. Is this normal to still feel this way? Also for anyone past a year how did you deal with the year anniversary of D-day?

tl502 posted 8/19/2014 07:25 AM

I scheduled myself at work a crazy number of hours for dd and the week around it. I made sure I was too busy to think about it. I'm coming up on my 3rd dd antiversary. I hope to pass the day without thinking about it, but we'll see.
Honestly, that first dd, I was still driving home and fantasizing about just driving away and disappearing forever. I was happier at work because I understood what I had to do there while at home, I wandered in a fog of pain most of the time.
So anyway, you are normal. 2nd year gets better in some ways, the pain recedes some. You start seeing life continuing around you and you can even participate sometimes instead of feeling like your watchin from afar.
What I wish I had done on dd1 was to go away alone to the beach and spend my time doing anything that I wanted. But I was too broken on dd1 to get myself in the car and make the move.

syhoybenden posted 8/19/2014 09:10 AM

Is your wife aware of this anniversary? Of it's effect on you?
Is she empathetic?
Does she even give a flying f*ck?
Is she doing any pouring of oil on troubled waters?

Skan posted 8/19/2014 12:30 PM

Oh man, that one year antiversary hurt like hell. I kept myself as busy as possible, and I also made sure to do something that fed my soul that day. My FWH stayed close to me and was there to offer a hug, words of comfort/apologies, or whatever I needed. I found that by doing something that meant a great deal to me (sailing in my case), I was able to let go of some of the pain on the waters. Try to feed your soul that day.

wk55hn posted 8/19/2014 14:15 PM

Is this normal to still feel this way?

We're all different, but I think you should have a little more of an idea of which way you're leaning at this point from when you first decided to give it a try. What's holding you back from being "all in" on the marriage (or "all in" to get out of it)? Is your wife doing everything you need, or is it your own internal thoughts. I was pretty sure things were going to work out at 1 year past, but I still didn't "act like nothing is wrong when it's killing me inside."

Also for anyone past a year how did you deal with the year anniversary of D-day?

I didn't remember the exact day (I could have gotten a calendar out and figured the exact day, but I didn't). All I knew was that it was in the middle of the month. We had been doing well before then, and then I turned pretty cold for about two weeks starting around the 15th. I made sure I told her I didn't trust her still and that I still wasn't sure I was staying, basically I tried to hurt her and make her feel as bad as I did, which I think worked. I'm not recommending it, but that's what I did. My wife just took it and kept apologizing. Start of the next month came and we were back on track. Second year was a non-event. I'm glad my wife was able to take it that first year because if I got any push-back from her at that time I probably would have walked.

whyme1525 posted 8/20/2014 02:08 AM

Im not even sure my wife is aware that it's been a year actually not sure she really cares that it's a year. She likes to act like it didn't happen and if I bring it up all she says is im sorry and im a different person now witch I think is a crock. I think I might just tell her that we're not going away as planned and when she asks why im going to say that i can't imagine being alone in a car with you for ten hours and then in a hotel room alone with you on the year anniversary of you destroying my life... .

syhoybenden posted 8/20/2014 05:54 AM

I think you should cancel going away for that date.
If she asks you why then tell her that it's an anniversary you don't feel like celebrating. Mourning would be more in order, mourning of your old marriage, the untarnished one.
If she gives a damn then she would have remembered. If she gives a damn then she can come up with something that will ease your pain.

whyme1525 posted 8/20/2014 07:13 AM

This has been an issue from day one with my wife acting like everything is fine and never wanting to talk about it. So im not surprised that she hasn't said anything she's probably very nervously waiting to see if I say anything... I still can't believe she took vacation this week very odd considering my birthday is next week just seems very strange to me..

syhoybenden posted 8/20/2014 08:05 AM

Maybe you should go away, but by yourself or with some of your friends. Tell her you need some time to clear your head.
Leave her at home alone on her vacation. Tell her it's so she can do some meditation. If she complains she'll be lonely let her know that this is how your heart has felt for a year now.

Uhtred posted 8/20/2014 17:39 PM

Why me,

At year and a half I still get the sick feelings about everything that has happened to me. Sometimes I feel that I should devote myself to my marriage and other times I feel like leaving.

This shit hurts man and in my opinion a year is a baby step. I second the idea of going away with friends for this anniversary. Not to punish your wife but to keep you from going into the dump.

You probably need some time to think and clear your head. All the best friend.