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I hate my mind!!!!

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nogoodap1 posted 8/19/2014 01:05 AM

Im gonna do my best not to minimize. And own my shit.

As of Sunday I've been kicked out. My whole world is spinning out of control. Not nearly as much as my BGF's is. I continued lying to her and delivered what I feel is the final blow. I decided to have another fantasy affair in my head. I've had this type of problem in my head for a long time. I see someone and I start to build a fantasy relationship in my head. usually it's a bit further than checking someone out and fantasizing them naked or other various things. It's more of the lines of a relationship or things we could do together.

Well there's this woman who comes to my shop occasionally and I found her attractive. But she also reminds me of this other woman who I was friends with that I fantasized about for years. and my head recognized the danger of what could happen. What had started it all was her co-worker there made a comment suggesting he could leave her and take a car to which I replied "I'm good I have a girlfriend" what warranted him to say an inappropriate comment like that I'll never know. but it set my head off. I had to make sure I didn't get caught without a response. So I played out many scenarios in my head about what I could say for various comments from her as well as situations. In doing so I started letting her into my head. When I saw her I related her to a naked picture I use to have on my phone.

So later I discussed what I had done and my BGF said that I was playing out fantasy's. And of course I was an ass and dismissed it. So from that point on she became someone my girlfriend had to worry about. So every day she would ask if I've seen or dealt with her. I answered the phone and twice it was her. And I kept my thoughts clear. but I was pissed because I didn't want to tell my girlfriend because I knew it would upset her. So we would get into arguments because she knows my habits and knows I would. so usually I would think "no I'm not sending her flowers anonymously and hoping she would think they were from me or maybe putting my name on them BAM! stop thought because I don't want it. Then the thought taking her to lunch BAM! stop thought. And I did this several times. Then we found out she was pregnant. And I was doing what I could to be honest and truthful and protect us and bring this baby into a happy mom and dad. The last time she came in I was angry and I wanted nothing to do with her.

Because of what I've done I essentially cheated on my BGF and she wants nothing to do with me. although I want to change her mind, I dont know if it's too late.

I wish I didn't think these thoughts. My question if I don't want to think the thoughts then why do they come in? And how can I fix the situation with my girlfriend knowing I still work at the same place where she could show up at any time.

It's 2 AM and I hope ive given you all the jist of it.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/19/2014 01:09 AM

I'm not sure if I've suggested to you before? It's something I do a LOT, so I can't keep track. If not, I highly recommend you go there and get started on recovery because your thoughts seem very SLA (sex and love addict), to me. I hope this doesn't offend you because that's not my intent.

Neznayou posted 8/19/2014 02:19 AM

Food for thought:
What need is fulfilled by these fantasies?
What is happening in the fantasy that is not happening in real life?

(I don't have any experience with SLA, like ThoughtIKnewYa is suggesting. These are just the questions that came to my mind when I read your post.)

Unagie posted 8/19/2014 07:17 AM

We all have daydreams and fantasies at times but yours do seem a bit far. I think you should take a look at what TIKY suggested and delve into the reasons why you need these fantasies.

LostTime posted 8/19/2014 08:13 AM

I'm sorry you've been kicked out and you feel out of control. I have been there and can totally relate.

You can say you don't want these thoughts but what others have said here is right on - you need to ask yourself why? Why do you think these things? What does it make you feel? What do you get out of it? Because I can guarantee it is not about the woman or women. It is about you.

Have you started IC? Have to been assessed for SA or SLA?

I had suggested this to you before, but I really think you should find a local men's only fellowship of SAA or SLAA and start going to meetings.

You can't wish these things away. You can't change her mind or what she believes. My BW believes I am not sober (SLA) and while I know I am not acting out/on bottom line behaviours it doesn't matter because I can't change her beliefs. I can only change myself.

The thoughts are there for a reason - you need to figure out why and fix that before you can fix anything else.

[This message edited by LostTime at 8:14 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

nogoodap1 posted 8/19/2014 11:37 AM

I am on recovery nation. I'm on lesson 8 I think. And you aren't offending me this is all helping.

I get nothing. These are just thoughts I had if I was happy, sad, lonely, with someone, tired, awake, bored, excited, ect. It doesn't matter it just feels like breathing. But I can go for a long time without doing it so I know I don't miss it. But if I'm doing it because something is missing I can see that. The damage that I've caused my BGF is so insurmountable that I've lost so many of the things I enjoyed that she doesn't care to do those things with me ever again. But is that an excuse to do the things I've done. Nope. It's wayward thinking. I need to stop all behavior.

I do feel that I took it to far. But I also don't want them to start period. I sometimes wonder if it's too unrealistic. But if my BGF can not ever have a though cross her mind then why can't i?

I went to a CSAT and he said I need to see someone more specialized than him and that guy is 300 an hour.... I'm really fucked in the head huh? And ou are right it's about me not about them I couldn't give a shit about them I think it's the idea. Maybe a group would help but I want no females involved like you were saying. And I know I can't change her mind. But if sure like to try!!

Thank you all for your replies. I still have a lot to learn and a lot of reach out for.

nogoodap1 posted 8/19/2014 19:14 PM

How do I fix what I've caused!!!

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/19/2014 20:33 PM

First, you have to fix YOU. And it has to be because you don't want to live this way, anymore. It can't be in an attempt to save a relationship or it won't stick.

Why did the CSAT say you needed to see someone more specialized?

Keep working on RN. Are you utilizing the coaches for feedback?

nogoodap1 posted 8/20/2014 12:41 PM

That's just it I've spent too much time fixing me. What about her needs and Fixing her pain. See I've made my choices in life. She didn't choose any of this.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/20/2014 12:52 PM

She sure didn't and it's NOT fair, but that's the way it is. If you want to have ANY chance of fixing your relationship, you MUST fix yourself first. If you want to have any chance of having a healthy relatioonship in the future, you MUST fix yourself first. If she wants nothing to do with you, then you have to let her be.

If she will still talk to you, tell her to go to recoverynation and do the partner's workshop.

You have to do the work to stop the thoughts. You know how you are told to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, before attempting to help someone else on a plane in an emergency?? It's the same thing. You are very unhealthy right now and until you are more healthy, it will be impossible for you to help heal her- you'll only do more damage.

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