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Why we choose reconcile

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Toffie posted 8/19/2014 02:11 AM

I just had thought why do we consider r and not d when this has happened logically to me it should be d but here I am in r.
Can anyone help me understand why we choose either one?

artec posted 8/19/2014 06:09 AM

I think D always seems to be the logical decision, I certainly always believed that before I was a victim of an affair. I also said I would never bother to work through a second such betrayal. Here I am twice bitten and taking a chance at 3rd time lucky.

Why I chose R after round 1:
Probably much to do with who I am, my daughter who was 1 at the time, the fact that I really loved my wife and through it all I wanted to protect her and her happiness - yes even though she had not done the same, not logical at all. Then again is love logical...

Why I chose R after round 2:
Much the same as round 1, albeit at first I was certain I would be running for the hills, the added confusion of round 2 made R seem impossible. This time around I had 2 daughters to consider. Not saying that because I had children I had to suffer with R, but if R was at all possible it would be the better option for my children. Most importantly I loved my wife.

Choosing R is very daunting, especially having been through the process before and knowing how difficult it is/was.

I don't think R is always possible, but depending on the circumstance and the parties involved it can be. Each situation is different and our personalities differ. I am an exceedingly logical person, so I look at the situation from all angles. As such D was not an easy option for me, R was possibly the easier option. Simply put, there is no easy way out after an affair no matter what you choose. I just wish prospective WS's would think of this before stepping over the line...

That said, being exceedingly logical I know that if I have been bitten twice, there is a good chance I will be bitten again. I just pray that will not be the case because it takes years off my life.

Howie posted 8/19/2014 07:46 AM

Every case differs. There may be strong situational and financial reasons for R; children are a big factor.But the main reasons for R is the belief-IF you have it, that you can repair in a meaningful way some thing that is important to you, the marriage, the relationship; "incredibly", I still loved her. Maybe we could make it.

TheIrishGirl posted 8/19/2014 08:28 AM

I'm very early, probably more in the 'working on it' camp than in R, but, I'm currently not choosing D for a few reasons:
1) I would feel like I gave up too easy- I believe in M, and I stand by my vows. I can't just walk away without making absolutely sure D is the answer.
2) little kids. One is still counted in months, not years. The other is 3. I don't want to do this alone if doing it together can work.
3) My WH hurt himself also, and he never wants to go back there both for me- to save me the pain, and for him- to save himself the disgrace.
4) because starting over with someone new is no guarantee they won't be just as broken as WH was. If he is doing the work that he appears to be doing, he is probably the safest partner for me.
5) He is he person I chose in the first place (although he had some demons I wasn't aware of)- both because I was madly in love with him, and because we want the same things in life. We are highly compatible in our attitudes on child raising, religion, finances, education, and family life. If we can push through this, I think we can get back to that.

I know people will R after D, but to me, D is it. If we D, it's just about the kids from there on out. Trying R, D is always an option until I'm ready to take it off the table.

hopefullromantic posted 8/19/2014 13:51 PM

I can't speak for everyone, but for me R was my first instinct, not divorce. Why would I want to give up what had been a long, loving, and satisfying marriage just because my H was suffering from temporary insanity? I of course had to determine whether it was really temporary or not, and whether I could live with the after taste of betrayal and it took a while to determine both, but I loved my H and wanted to remain married to him. Simple as that.

hopefullromantic posted 8/19/2014 13:56 PM

I should also add that I was not one of those who always said I would instantly divorce if I found my H was cheating. After being happily married for a number of years I figured if it happened I would be able to forgive. That turned out to be harder than I thought though.

tushnurse posted 8/19/2014 14:01 PM

Each of us decides to R or D based on our own set of circumstances.

For me, I wanted to attempt R, although I had always said NO WAY, YOU CHEAT I'M DONE. He was convinced there would be no way I could give him a second chance because of that, however I chose to attempt R for the reasons below.

1. Fear - Fear of being a single mom, and standing on my own (which had more to do with my codependent nature than the real world).

2. Financial - My H was out of work, and had I chose D right then, he could have opted to not go back to work, or to change careers and I would be responsible for paying him SS.

3. Love - this was my one and only. I loved him, and no matter how broken he was, I knew he was capable of loving me, and was capable of fixing whatever had gone so wrong in him.

Those were the main three, of course providing a "normal" home for my kids, and change in lifestyle would have been on the list too.

After several broken NC's, and lack of complete effort on his part though, I was no longer concerned with the financial aspect, it would work itself out, I was no longer afraid, and was done being a doormat. I decided I Loved myself enough to demand the respect and honor I deserved, if he couldn't do it, then I didn't need him.

JLyn1128 posted 8/19/2014 14:12 PM

I'm on my third times the charm at forgiving and trying to R with a man I'm not even married to. I am financially independent (although my lifestyle would be far lower than it is now) and we have no children together. We've been together for almost 30 years and living together for 17 or 18 of that. The first two times we lived in my house, not his, and I could have asked him to leave and not missed a beat. Why do I still want to be here? The first two times I rug swept and we never even talked about it. This time we have work to do, and the fact that he's doing the work gives me hope. I don't even count the first two times, because we didn't even deal with it. So let's just call it one really looooong A that we are dealing with now.

I think there are as many reasons affairs happen as there are people involved in them and each person has to look at their own situation and decide if they are better off with them or without them. I'm pretty close to calling it, but he asked for another chance to work at it, and I gave it, as long as the work was being done. Our relationship right now is better than it was pre-A, if that holds, at our ages, we're good to go.

What I thought was...what kind of man is he and are we happy otherwise? The answer at the time was NO, we are neither one happy. If I leave... I decide to either live alone the rest of my life, or try again with another man who may or may not have the same issue or issues just as bad. OR, I can work on this relationship to see if we can be better and both get what we need as we move into our golden years. I choose to work at it, and so far he is working very hard and seems to be a bit more introspective about what he was looking for. Counseling helps and complete transparency helps too.

Each person has to decide what is best for them, some of the people here have a WS that seems to be unrepentant. If my WSO indicated for a nano-second that he preferred the OW, I'd be gone. My line in the sand is that I won't stay where I'm not wanted. If I'm wanted, and doing my best for the relationship... then the rest is up to him. In this case, he was looking for the ego boost...but it wasn't worth losing what we had. I have hope.

rachelc posted 8/19/2014 14:22 PM

Many reasons. But, I feel those reasons need to be active. I have been in limbo, just waiting to feel better for 2 years, and I just can't do that.
I've watched him do a little work, but most of his is very private and internal. This has been hard.
I feel in my gut he wants to be a good person and this is what I go on.

I don't need the money nor fear being poor.
Our kids are grown.
I do fear being alone but I don't think I would be for long. however, I don't think another person would be the answer. They would have baggage and issues as well. Plus, my own kids are a priority of my husband's. Another man wouldn't have them as a priority.

My husband said something striking to me the other day. I said I didn't sign up for this. He said you're already signed up unless you resign your position. I guess that's true.

If we're here, we have to actively choose it. I haven't been in the past.

Wodnships posted 8/19/2014 14:53 PM

That's a really good question. I don't think I had a clean answer. Before D-day I always believed cheat once and you are gone. On D-day for about 20 hours I thought my wife was leaving me for the other man. Once I realized that wasn't really the case, I didn't even consider divorce. I gave my wife the rules to try and reconcile but divorce was never really on the table. I love my wife, and I want to have a life long relationship with her. That's really the only why I can articulate.

Wodnships posted 8/19/2014 15:12 PM

That's a really good question. I don't think I had a clean answer. Before D-day I always believed cheat once and you are gone. On D-day for about 20 hours I thought my wife was leaving me for the other man. Once I realized that wasn't really the case, I didn't even consider divorce. I gave my wife the rules to try and reconcile but divorce was never really on the table. I love my wife, and I want to have a life long relationship with her. That's really the only why I can articulate.

MissedRedFlags posted 8/19/2014 15:20 PM

My first thought after dday was that I was going to have to lose my kids 50% of the time---split holidays and such. Couldn't face that. My state is no fault.

I'd always thought & told WH (even discussed it during his A) that I'd leave if he cheated. WH always replied that he thought I'd forgive. Ugh.

I'm staying right now for the kids.
I'm staying because I'm afraid of change.
I'm staying because I've been with him for 20 years --half my life. It's what I know.

I do struggle with feeling like a loser for staying.
I am not proud of myself. In fact, I am ashamed of myself for staying. Staying is easier than standing up for myself & saying "no, I won't accept this. I deserve better."

Who knows? Maybe someday, I'll grow a backbone.

IDeserveMore posted 8/19/2014 17:18 PM

For me it was:
DD1: I had a 4 month old and was living in a foreign country. His country. I didn't even know if I'd be able to leave the county with my daughter without him agreeing. No money. Quit my residency to move there.

DD2: a 3 and 5yo, believing he couldn't possibly he could really be in love with her like he thought he was. I felt like I was more mature than him and I knew he was making a mistake he'd regret.

Throughout the 5 years of TT following DD2, still not sure. I think I may need IC for this one.

But on this site someone had a thread like this a while ago and a lot of people said it was the kids.

In the end both options are so painful and draining. Once we find ourselves here, it's such a long and draining road.

formerprincess posted 8/19/2014 21:49 PM

This is a good question...thank you for posting it. For me, I think that I considered D from my WH for about 20 minutes after DDay (which will be 2 months ago tomorrow)...then I realized that this man, although flawed, was the love of my life and the person I want to grow old we have built this life together and I could not see my life without him in it. It will definitely not be easy, but I hope that we can work together to make our M stronger & better...

ShellShockedSid posted 8/19/2014 22:23 PM

This may come across a cynical and even bitter but I don't really mean it that way.

When deciding to R, I considered that I didn't want to give up the life that I had built. I like my house. I like my neighborhood. I couldn't afford either without H's income. I don't want to "share custody" of my dogs. I like my car. I want other nice cars in the future. I love my job, but it doesn't pay what his does. I don't want to have to get a better paying job, probably in a city than I like less than this one. I love that I have time to volunteer for causes that mean a lot to me. I like that I can take classes whenever I want. I like my life as is, and don't want to lose it. God knows the A took plenty from me--my innocence, my ability to trust, etc. I'll be be damned If I am going to willingly give up Anything else because of his bad choices. Those were reasons to R for me. Probably not good reasons, but they were my reasons.

I remembered an old saying-- not exactly sure how it goes, but something about dealing with the devil you know, vs. the devil you don't know. I picked the devil I knew.

I know that sounds pretty shallow. And, I might have been pretty selfish in the beginning. While I may have stayed for the wrong reasons, I am glad that I did. My h has changed so much, and we have developed good communication, and I really am happy now. I am glad I choose R.

Toffie posted 8/20/2014 00:43 AM

Ok so most of the answers are similiar to my thoughts, was worried R had to be based on pure love only but I love my horses and atm that's my sanity when I'm with them I smile I have no problems and the a isn't even in my thoughts, if I D I can't afford to keep them and I would hate to imagine could I survive without them plus I do love the person my wh is becoming

Didact posted 8/20/2014 15:03 PM

I always said that there wouldn't be a second chance. 12 years ago when I suspected an A (there wasn't one) I was fully prepared to D without any drama or questions.

Before dday, if you were to look at the ledgers and balances of "wrongs" in our M, I probably owned more of the balance. I was, at times, self-absorbed, detached, and obsessive about non-M things. My wife wasn't perfect, and had her share of issues (some of which culminated in the A). But if there was a "bad guy" before the affair, it was me.

I don't blame the A in any way on that imbalance in the "wrongs ledger." The choices that devastated us belong solely to WW. Perhaps the "ledger" led to some betrayals of intimacy or other disrespectful things during the affair and at dday, but not the affair itself.

After the fallout from dday, and the early weeks (in which things went very bad) WW has been close to a model of remorse. Given that, and the fact that I hadn't been a model husband, I chose to R, even though I had said I wouldn't. So far, I am very pleased with that choice.

The ledgers have reversed. I am very optimistic (given all our hard work) that there won't be a second dday. If there is, there won't be a third chance.

[This message edited by Didact at 3:04 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]

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