Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying



Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library


Contact Us
In Association with
Infidelity -
- Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
Newest Member: Katie191 (61867)

User Topic: how did i let this happen?
♀ 44499
Member # 44499
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over the years their were signs,gossip, and questions but I never looked to deep into it....he went out with " his buddies" came home late after "the casino" and took took multiple golf trips...8 years later I find it all to be true. What is wrong with me that I just letit go ..... He stood up in front of court and testified that iI knew all along. I didnt KNOW! It wasn't that good to stay... I feel so bad for the kids and so embarrassed that all around knew but me. Why is the cheater protected but the other spouse kept in the dark? So sad and hurt.... N mad at myself!

Posts: 4 | Registered: Aug 2014
♀ 42607
Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course you didn't know! Why would you question your spouse? You believed in the man that you were married to. He's trying to justify his behavior by saying that you condoned it. I understand turning your anger on yourself, we all do it. But understand that your anger should be placed squarely on him! Don't let him have that much headspace. Are you divorcing? Is that why you were in court?

Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 961 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: big blue nation
♀ 43792
Member # 43792
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all trust our spouse. Do not beat yourself up over it. I had my gut telling me but he convinced me I was crazy.

How could he testify that you knew and accepted his behavior?

"Why is the cheater protected but the other spouse kept in the dark?"

Good question I think most people don't want to be the bearer of bad news and of course there is always the thought what you don't know will to hurt you.

You did nothing wrong and I agree with 502.

Posts: 533 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: East coast
♀ 44206
Member # 44206
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also struggling with this. How on earth could we not know our spouse was a lying, cheating, manipulator.

I think we just try to remember it's because we are better people. It wouldn't occur to us to do something like this.

Not much help right now, but I hope in the long run it will give us comfort! So don't beat yourself up about it. We are better than them.

Me, BW 51
WH, 47
OW, ttw (trailer trash whore)
DD, 7/21/14
Separated, divorcing his ass as soon as I possibly can!!

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: North Carolina
♂ 43899
Member # 43899
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should not be embarrassed that you are a trusting, monogamous spouse married to a lying, cheating coward.

That's HIS shame.

You are free. Take it for the blessing it is. It sucks now. Sucks big time, but in time it will feel better.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

DDay - June 2014
DD 2008 & 2011
Divorced April 1, 2015

Posts: 2225 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Ontario
♀ 37184
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You didnt let it happen.

At one time, I questioned my wh as to whether he was seeing ow and he talked me out of it.

I didnt have SI then or I would've known to keep my mouth shut until I had proof.

Once he talked me out of it, he got better about covering his tracks. Took it all underground.

Like myself and many others here, our mistake was in misjudging our ws's character. Believing they had the same values we did or that they would never disrespect us as they did.

Because we trusted them. It may not have been too wise, but its nothing to be ashamed of or beat yourself up for.

The shame is on him, not you.

stay strong, move forward, hugs,,,,,,,,,,,

Posts: 1078 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
♀ 44065
Member # 44065
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did not let this happen
He did
It's his shame to own not yours
Nothing you did or didn't do caused him to cheat
That's all on him.
There's nothing to be ashamed of for being a loving trusting spouse who thought our spouse was the same.
Love and light

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jul 2014
♀ 44499
Member # 44499
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the responses... This seems like a dream but is so nice to hear from others that I am not " the crazy" one! appreciate you taking the time!

Posts: 4 | Registered: Aug 2014
♀ 41068
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the post. I struggle with this as well. In retrospect, there were signs, but he always had an excuse. I guess I didn't want to see it. I asked him why he was always on his phone, and he said it was for work. I actually praised him for working so hard for his family! I was so busy and exhausted, working full-time and raising 4 very active kids alone. All I wanted was for him to spend some time with me, to talk to me, to help me. I took care of everything at home - someone had to do it. I knew he was going out drinking after work all the time. I knew he wasn't interested in the busy day to day family life. But I trusted him. I really never thought he would cheat. I thought he was a better person, with better values. I thought he loved me and loved our family. I was wrong.

Posts: 502 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
♀ 40212
Member # 40212
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, you did not let anything happen !!! This is not your fault. My husband also tired to make me feel like I was crazy. I suspected...but he was home every night and on weekends. His affair was occurring during the day at lunch time. Please do not ever think this is your fault.

Posts: 170 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 44595
Member # 44595
Angry  Posted: 4:51 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems to me that all men try to change everything around. Put the blame on woman. They try to degrade u. Make u think u r crazy. They do this because it justify their actions to themselves. Makes them feel as if what they are doing is OK. At least u r not married to a whore man like I am. Every time he goes out of town to work. He has another woman.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Aug 2014
Topic Posts: 11

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
© 2002 - 2017 All Rights Reserved.