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how did i let this happen?

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played4years posted 8/19/2014 06:40 AM

Over the years their were signs,gossip, and questions but I never looked to deep into it....he went out with " his buddies" came home late after "the casino" and took took multiple golf trips...8 years later I find it all to be true. What is wrong with me that I just letit go ..... He stood up in front of court and testified that iI knew all along. I didnt KNOW! It wasn't that good to stay... I feel so bad for the kids and so embarrassed that all around knew but me. Why is the cheater protected but the other spouse kept in the dark? So sad and hurt.... N mad at myself!

tl502 posted 8/19/2014 07:06 AM

Of course you didn't know! Why would you question your spouse? You believed in the man that you were married to. He's trying to justify his behavior by saying that you condoned it. I understand turning your anger on yourself, we all do it. But understand that your anger should be placed squarely on him! Don't let him have that much headspace. Are you divorcing? Is that why you were in court?

Sleepingbeauty posted 8/19/2014 07:32 AM

We all trust our spouse. Do not beat yourself up over it. I had my gut telling me but he convinced me I was crazy.

How could he testify that you knew and accepted his behavior?

"Why is the cheater protected but the other spouse kept in the dark?"

Good question I think most people don't want to be the bearer of bad news and of course there is always the thought what you don't know will to hurt you.

You did nothing wrong and I agree with 502.

blindsided81 posted 8/19/2014 07:33 AM

I am also struggling with this. How on earth could we not know our spouse was a lying, cheating, manipulator.

I think we just try to remember it's because we are better people. It wouldn't occur to us to do something like this.

Not much help right now, but I hope in the long run it will give us comfort! So don't beat yourself up about it. We are better than them.

ChangeMaker posted 8/19/2014 09:49 AM

You should not be embarrassed that you are a trusting, monogamous spouse married to a lying, cheating coward.

That's HIS shame.

You are free. Take it for the blessing it is. It sucks now. Sucks big time, but in time it will feel better.

kiki1 posted 8/19/2014 10:04 AM


You didnt let it happen.

At one time, I questioned my wh as to whether he was seeing ow and he talked me out of it.

I didnt have SI then or I would've known to keep my mouth shut until I had proof.

Once he talked me out of it, he got better about covering his tracks. Took it all underground.

Like myself and many others here, our mistake was in misjudging our ws's character. Believing they had the same values we did or that they would never disrespect us as they did.

Because we trusted them. It may not have been too wise, but its nothing to be ashamed of or beat yourself up for.

The shame is on him, not you.

stay strong, move forward, hugs,,,,,,,,,,,

Sunrising posted 8/19/2014 15:39 PM

You did not let this happen
He did
It's his shame to own not yours
Nothing you did or didn't do caused him to cheat
That's all on him.
There's nothing to be ashamed of for being a loving trusting spouse who thought our spouse was the same.
Love and light

played4years posted 8/20/2014 21:09 PM

Thank you all for the responses... This seems like a dream but is so nice to hear from others that I am not " the crazy" one! appreciate you taking the time!

staystrong101 posted 8/21/2014 07:16 AM

Thanks for the post. I struggle with this as well. In retrospect, there were signs, but he always had an excuse. I guess I didn't want to see it. I asked him why he was always on his phone, and he said it was for work. I actually praised him for working so hard for his family! I was so busy and exhausted, working full-time and raising 4 very active kids alone. All I wanted was for him to spend some time with me, to talk to me, to help me. I took care of everything at home - someone had to do it. I knew he was going out drinking after work all the time. I knew he wasn't interested in the busy day to day family life. But I trusted him. I really never thought he would cheat. I thought he was a better person, with better values. I thought he loved me and loved our family. I was wrong.

ShedSomeLight posted 8/21/2014 07:20 AM

OMG, you did not let anything happen !!! This is not your fault. My husband also tired to make me feel like I was crazy. I suspected...but he was home every night and on weekends. His affair was occurring during the day at lunch time. Please do not ever think this is your fault.

911Cat posted 8/21/2014 16:51 PM

It seems to me that all men try to change everything around. Put the blame on woman. They try to degrade u. Make u think u r crazy. They do this because it justify their actions to themselves. Makes them feel as if what they are doing is OK. At least u r not married to a whore man like I am. Every time he goes out of town to work. He has another woman.

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