Topic: how did i let this happen?
Member # 44499
| Posted: 6:40 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014|
Over the years their were signs,gossip, and questions but I never looked to deep into it....he went out with " his buddies" came home late after "the casino" and took took multiple golf trips...8 years later I find it all to be true. What is wrong with me that I just letit go ..... He stood up in front of court and testified that iI knew all along. I didnt KNOW! It wasn't that good to stay... I feel so bad for the kids and so embarrassed that all around knew but me. Why is the cheater protected but the other spouse kept in the dark? So sad and hurt.... N mad at myself!
Posts: 4 | Registered: Aug 2014
Member # 42607
| Posted: 7:06 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014|
Of course you didn't know! Why would you question your spouse? You believed in the man that you were married to. He's trying to justify his behavior by saying that you condoned it. I understand turning your anger on yourself, we all do it. But understand that your anger should be placed squarely on him! Don't let him have that much headspace. Are you divorcing? Is that why you were in court?
Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together
Posts: 776 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: big blue nation
Member # 43792
| Posted: 7:32 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014|
We all trust our spouse. Do not beat yourself up over it. I had my gut telling me but he convinced me I was crazy.
How could he testify that you knew and accepted his behavior?
"Why is the cheater protected but the other spouse kept in the dark?"
Good question I think most people don't want to be the bearer of bad news and of course there is always the thought what you don't know will to hurt you.
You did nothing wrong and I agree with 502.
Posts: 533 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: East coast
Member # 44206
| Posted: 7:33 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014|
I am also struggling with this. How on earth could we not know our spouse was a lying, cheating, manipulator.
I think we just try to remember it's because we are better people. It wouldn't occur to us to do something like this.
Not much help right now, but I hope in the long run it will give us comfort! So don't beat yourself up about it. We are better than them.
Me, BW 51
OW, ttw (trailer trash whore)
Separated, divorcing his ass as soon as I possibly can!!
Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: North Carolina
Member # 43899
| Posted: 9:49 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014|
You should not be embarrassed that you are a trusting, monogamous spouse married to a lying, cheating coward.
That's HIS shame.
You are free. Take it for the blessing it is. It sucks now. Sucks big time, but in time it will feel better.
When reading advice here, consider the number of posts by the people giving it. Sometimes, it matters.
DDay - June 7, 2014
Me - 44
XWW - Irrelevant
DD - 2008 and 2011
Ended the cruel joke April 1, 2015. Divorced.
Posts: 1458 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Ontario
Member # 37184
| Posted: 10:04 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014|
You didnt let it happen.
At one time, I questioned my wh as to whether he was seeing ow and he talked me out of it.
I didnt have SI then or I would've known to keep my mouth shut until I had proof.
Once he talked me out of it, he got better about covering his tracks. Took it all underground.
Like myself and many others here, our mistake was in misjudging our ws's character. Believing they had the same values we did or that they would never disrespect us as they did.
Because we trusted them. It may not have been too wise, but its nothing to be ashamed of or beat yourself up for.
The shame is on him, not you.
stay strong, move forward, hugs,,,,,,,,,,,
Posts: 925 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Member # 44065
| Posted: 3:39 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014|
You did not let this happen
It's his shame to own not yours
Nothing you did or didn't do caused him to cheat
That's all on him.
There's nothing to be ashamed of for being a loving trusting spouse who thought our spouse was the same.
Love and light
Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2014
Member # 44499
| Posted: 9:09 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014|
Thank you all for the responses... This seems like a dream but is so nice to hear from others that I am not " the crazy" one! appreciate you taking the time!
Posts: 4 | Registered: Aug 2014
Member # 41068
| Posted: 7:16 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014|
Thanks for the post. I struggle with this as well. In retrospect, there were signs, but he always had an excuse. I guess I didn't want to see it. I asked him why he was always on his phone, and he said it was for work. I actually praised him for working so hard for his family! I was so busy and exhausted, working full-time and raising 4 very active kids alone. All I wanted was for him to spend some time with me, to talk to me, to help me. I took care of everything at home - someone had to do it. I knew he was going out drinking after work all the time. I knew he wasn't interested in the busy day to day family life. But I trusted him. I really never thought he would cheat. I thought he was a better person, with better values. I thought he loved me and loved our family. I was wrong.
Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Member # 40212
| Posted: 7:20 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014|
OMG, you did not let anything happen !!! This is not your fault. My husband also tired to make me feel like I was crazy. I suspected...but he was home every night and on weekends. His affair was occurring during the day at lunch time. Please do not ever think this is your fault.
Posts: 165 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 44595
| Posted: 4:51 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014|
It seems to me that all men try to change everything around. Put the blame on woman. They try to degrade u. Make u think u r crazy. They do this because it justify their actions to themselves. Makes them feel as if what they are doing is OK. At least u r not married to a whore man like I am. Every time he goes out of town to work. He has another woman.
Posts: 5 | Registered: Aug 2014
|Topic Posts: 11|