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And didn't recognize?

Am I the most clueless person here?

My WH insisted on getting Cialis even though it was like $10.00 a pill. (I think that's right) We didn't really need it but he wanted to "last longer" He then got a refill for a "friend" The friend couldn't get his own because he didn't want his wife to know. The friend wanted to surprise his wife so I wasn't supposed to mention it.

We used a couple of them of them but I never questioned how many were left.

I look back and it is so obvious.

I had no clues.

The one clue I guess I did have was all the long phone calls to this one number on his cell phone. However, he told me it was his BFF's number and I never questioned it. Why would I?

The farther away I get from my horror show the more stuff I remember. My first clue was when he butt-dialed me from a woman's bedroom. Yah! I believed the gaslight that spewed forth from his lying ass! I actually told him I didn't believe him but since I didn't have proof I was just going to file it away and see how things panned out.

Then a year later I found a movie ticket stub in his car. Must have been one of the kids. Then there was the condom I found in the master bedroom hamper. He blamed his 17 yo son. His son went apeshit denying it. In hindsight the condom was at the bottom of the laundry chute that originated in the master bathroom. Why oh why would his son put clothes down that chute? He never had before. God, I was stupid.

I didn't miss any clues. I simply denied that they were indeed clues.

The constant texting and phone calls and then the disappearing withoput explainations. I look back and it was so obvious but then I would have trusted her with my life and would have never thought she was capable of doing such. But know I know better and I made it clear that it will never happpen again. The times of having male friends is over.

The cell bill didn't lie either time with either OM. The most recent one was a no brainer as she pulled a houdini act and left me at home with the kids for 2 1/2 days, then one over night, then regular houdini acts for the next three weeks lying about going to work but her shop was closed when the kids and I drove by. And she's still lying, but moving out.

I think it would be the different things he did during sex. I actually asked about the new moves & said he'd seen it in a porn.

But really, the time I knew but didn't let myself believe was when he said he was going out with friends but didn't come home until way after the bars close. I was up worried about him & he told me he'd fallen asleep on someone's couch.

looking behind him to see if I was there when he was texting. Immediately put a keylogger on the computer.

The only clue I had was his behavior and I noticed.

The only thing that seemed blatant in hindsight and I didn't immediately flip over was him talking about his married COW before I realized his fascination with her.

He mentioned that she got upset when people asked her about having kids.

I said, you know that's because she wants them.

He said, no I think it's because she doesn't want them and is tired of people asking about it.

I said, no it's because she wants them. Women who have decided not to have kids know they are going to hear about it.

He refused to believe it was true. Now I know that's because her having kids didn't fit into his fantasy of her.

She got pregnant less than a year later. Had her second child last year. Yeah, it was because she was annoyed. Sure dude. Rock that fantasyland.

Uncontrollable anger. He had always had anger issues, but this was down right nastiness in a way he had never been before. I did not know that was a red flag.

Months before I had to use his computer to post an add on craigslist. I noticed the man seeking female section had been opened and looked through. I confronted and the lie about a friend telling him about a funny add just rolled off his tongue. I believed him. I had no clue my husband could lie like that.

And didn't recognize?

Am I the most clueless person here?

My WH insisted on getting Cialis even though it was like $10.00 a pill. (I think that's right) We didn't really need it but he wanted to "last longer" He then got a refill for a "friend" The friend couldn't get his own because he didn't want his wife to know. The friend wanted to surprise his wife so I wasn't supposed to mention it.

We used a couple of them of them but I never questioned how many were left.

I look back and it is so obvious.

A million tears:

As they say: Hindsight is always 20/20.

You weren't clueless. You were an honest loyal trusting wife, who trusted your husband. The reasons he gave you were all plausible.

The fact that you did not focus on the possible implausibility of his reasons shows you are a good wife, who was not looking to create things to argue about.

In retrospect, there were so many clues to my husbands affair.

In retrospect they are obvious.

Still in the moment they were plausible because I trusted my husband to treat me and our marriage the way I do.

You were clueless because you were INNOCENT and your mind did not think the way a person in an affairs mind thinks.

Sadly, I will not miss the clues, ever again.

In fact, sadly, now, I am hypervigilant for clues.

Seeing a text he sent her "hey beautiful!".
When I conceited him, he said he calls all the guys "brother" or "bro" and all the girls "beautiful". When I asked him why he never called me beautiful, he said because after 12 years, I should know he thinks I'm beautiful.

He would disappear to study on the weekend for 8-12 hours a day....DURING SUMMER VACATION.

I knew. I just wasn't ready to admit it or confront it.

"She" showed up on his FB friends list. I was out of town. So I followed along rather than calling him on it. She started posting from her brothers place in a different state. Then DD said DS drove WH to airport and no one knew where he went. ORBITZ and VISA told me the rest. He stayed for four days, I never bothered to call him. In hind sight I shoulda called and ripped him a new one. I think I was in shock

I had no clue. None. Totally blindsided.

I should have noticed that his company cell phone bill was no longer being mailed to our home, but I was so busy at the time with work, school, and my family that it didn't even cross my mind.

There also was a red flag that blew right by me when OW sent a sympathy card to my home when WH father passed away. Her site had sent a group card, but she sent her own. When I asked WH who she was, he said she was a friend who was having many problems with her pregnancy. Naive me didn't even think to ask why in the hell a woman 3,000 miles away would be discussing her pregnancy with my WH.

[This message edited by annb at 12:46 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

For me it was the 15,000 texts per month and the hour plus long phone calls....ALL to the same number. I have said many times that my WH had to tell very FEW lies to get away with his A...just one HUGE one to begin with...who the # was and how it was entered in his phone...under the name of a friend that he used to speak with often.

There was also the discussion that WH and I had one night during the A (pre-PA) about how women are perceived to be more accepting of polygamy (one husband and multiple wives) and sharing their man than men are with sharing their women. Now THAT discussion now makes me want to THROW UP!!!

My biggest clue was the phone calls to our home from the OW.I thought it was strange but then , he was mentoring her, so I thought they had a lot to talk about. ( I am sure they did)H never deleted the number from caller ID so I could see all the calls every day. About a month of this I started having second thoughts about the calls and I began monitoring and looking for evidence.

He started giving our daughter another nickname. We call her Nana Banana, he started talking about Miss Savannah. We never ever call anybody Miss. Yep, I was pleased to learn that this was the COW's way of calling my daughter.

He was also checking his phone a lot, and when challenged, it was always work related. Even in the closet. Still didn't twig.

Please don't think of yourself as clueless.
You didn't think he could and would cheat. Neither did I.

Grocery store trips took 3 hours. Even for just a couple of items.

"Going to the gym" took 3 hours, and his fitness level only got worse.

Whenever I'd ask why it took so long, he would tell me he ran into Joe/Jim/Bob/Shmoe from high school/college/old employer, and they got to talking, and time just got away from them.

Just thought of this a bit more.

The biggest clue that I missed was that, when the kids were in bed, he didn't come to spend time with me, on one-to-one. It happened on a few occasions. (he would go upstairs to read his book, or check the news on his phone - and text the COW, how convenient!).

He used to read the kids a book for bedtime. Then he started putting Tom & Jerry cartoons instead. A few times my 3 yrs old complained that Dad did not let him finish watching the cartoon. Yep, Dad was busy texting the COW.

He also started to be very cocky, belittling whatever I was doing.

And he started criticizing some of his friends at work, even though he liked them (Cow on the other side did not,hence him agreeing with her).

Makes me really scared to see how detached he was from us, when I thought we were a team.

His phone bill - hundreds of texts and calls to the same number. Only confirmed it was a woman after he had gone. He told me it was a good friend when I asked who it was before he left and showed me his phone with the name and number. He was already covering his tracks then.