What doesn't kill me, scars me.
Obviously you need to consider your son, but I think the onus is on your POSWH to make sure that he is involved.
But I agree that this needs to be about your child's birthday.
I do not have children but my heart really goes out to every single one of you that has to manage these types of situations.
My kids are aware that D means that we do things separately now. That said, I have always agreed to let him to see the kids on their birthdays even if it wasn't his scheduled day. He has taken them for ice cream or a meal so that he can give them their presents and that's never bothered me. Kids should be able to see both of their parents on their birthdays.
But, as far as having him in my space and around my friends/family together, that isn't going to happen. My feeling has always been that you're either in or you're out when it comes to these things. If you want to choose your OW over us, there's no coming over for Christmas morning to watch them open presents; there's no helping me hide the easter baskets; there's no blowing out candles together, etc. Now, I'm fully aware of and deal with the fact that it goes both ways - I've been without my kids on their actual birthdays and on certain major holidays if it happens to be his visitation time. We just adjust to the schedule and have "our" celebration at another time.
Every one has a different opinion and preference. My opinion is you do whatever makes you feel comfortable and safe. Lots of kids do perfectly well with 2 different birthday celebrations.
ETA: I might have done that had the D not occurred because of his cheating and the fact that he left to be with OW. I would never be invited to "their" house to celebrate an event with my kids and I don't believe he would ever be allowed to come to my house for the same reason. Again, if they leave for the AP, that throws a whole different monkey wrench into the mix.
[This message edited by suckstobeme at 2:15 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]
I'm in a different camp - I don't invite my exwh to my kids' birthday events and he doesn't invite me to his (whenever he decides to get around to planning something for them).
My kids are aware that D means that we do things separately now.
But, as far as having him in my space and around my friends/family together, that isn't going to happen. My feeling has always been that you're either in or you're out when it comes to these things. If you want to choose your OW over us, there's no coming over for Christmas morning to watch them open presents; there's no helping me hide the easter baskets; there's no blowing out candles together, etc.
XWH#1 (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs
DD(21), DS(19, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids - 3 dogs, 2 cats
I edit often for clarity/typos.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
I have what are now adult children from my first marriage. We separated when our children were quite young, for many reasons. The one thing we did, always, was put the kids first. We didn't argue about holiday schedules, birthdays, etc. It was ALWAYS about what would be best for the kids, and what would be more fun for the kids when it came to parties and such.
I know you're hurting, and your WH is being nothing but an asshole to you. I know he chose to be 'single', and you have every right to want space from him. I know that, as a partner, he deserves nothing. BUT, if he is a good father, and the day would be more enjoyable for DS if both parents were present, then this may be the first in what will absolutely be multiple shared encounters.
Regarding the 'dinner' portion, on that I would say no, there's no reason for him to be there. It sounds like it's a dinner for the parents while the kids play. Obviously, the kids have dinner too, but if it's basically a shared dinner and then the kids get to play while the adults spend time together, he doesn't need to be there. In fact, you could make this year a 'girls night' and have the moms bring their kids. Could be fun?
I'm sorry your WH is such a dick. Unfortunately, when kids are involved, it's just better if the adults can find a way to get along, at least as far as children's activities go.
However, the kids think this is a bonus for them. They get double the parties, double the celebration. One with Mom, one with Dad. And this goes for all holidays as well. They like it!
The kids had asked me if he could come to their friend bday party (it was at a game place). I said mommy is giving you this party, daddy will do his own celebration. I struggled with this because it is their day but yet their day could've easily been ruined with the stress between us. We are still raw to this and don't talk. We are not happy family. For my kids to enjoy their day, it was best he wasn't there. They didn't even mention him and had a blast. Heck, they didn't even notice I was there! At five years old its all about them, their friends and gifts. But I do recommend moving mountains this first bday separated to have him at least see their dad if possible. This age doesn't understand celebrating another day!
But to each their own, I know a lot of people who do not share events and their kids seem fine.
If you're fine, your kid will be fine.
I see no reason he can't take DS out on his own to celebrate.
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
He wanted to be single, that means no more "family" gatherings