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She-Ra posted 8/19/2014 12:55 PM

Hi everyone!

This is my first post in this section and I'm hoping to get some advice. And somehow find a new home here but it's all very scary to imagine right now.

I'm thinking that I need to ask for a separation. Since financial reasons have been why I haven't and hoping that we could R. The time has come for me to realize and accept that R is not in our cards.

Our 4th anniversary is on Thursday. The timing feels so shitty but I don't know if waiting will be the right move either.

Anyone have advice on how to bring up how to separate and doing an in-house separation??

Thank you so much for any insights

She-Ra posted 8/19/2014 13:19 PM

I have a few more questions to add....

BH is not a hands on dad. Do separations help them step up? I would encourage him to learn some more things and leave them together without me hanging around. He fights that tooth and nail though so maybe that dynamic would change?

Anyone else been in that boat and what has happened?

WastedTime12 posted 8/19/2014 13:58 PM

Hello She-Ra,

I am not so sure there is any good time to bring it separation and in-house separation. I will say in-house separation is the absolute worst.

I just told ex-alcoholic that I could either have him served which would cost extra money or he could sign the waiver. He signed and we did in-house separation until the day of the divorce. It was not a pleasant time, but there is life on the other side.

As for expectations, lots here will tell you to not expect in a divorce what you did not get in the marriage.

I am luckier than most as I do not have to worry about ex's parenting skills or lack there of. We live in different states now so he does not factor in to our daily living.

If your H is still drinking, I would not expect anything of him parenting. Sorry, but that is what I learned.

The other thing I learned with an alcoholic during in house separation are "there are no rules".

(((She-Ra))) and welcome!

She-Ra posted 8/19/2014 14:21 PM

Thanks for the welcome and hug WT

Yes he is definitely still drinking. My IC just can't believe I'm still there with him after all he's been doing.

Saturday he worked and got off at 2. Came home at 6 after doing an errand then sitting at the pub drinking and did a line of cocaine before driving home. He says that sobers him up. Don't even get me started on that one. I made it clear that was a deal breaker for me. Yet he has done that million times it seems and I didn't leave because I was on maternity leave. It was like he was taking advantage of me because of my desire to R with him and that I wasn't working. But any time I tried to bring it up, he would mention my As.

The dynamic of "us" needs to change. He's shown me his true colors and continues to be a terrible partner. A wreckless human being pretty much and not someone that I'm proud to be married to. My IC wants me to stop feeling embarrassed and to make the changes I need to make.

For the record I won't leave my daughter in his care if he's been drinking.

Thanks for the tip on the in house separation. I honestly know it would be hell. But I'm already in hell so......?? Damned if I do I guess.

I also don't expect him to be a super dad all of a sudden. I just wish that he would step up one time

nowiknow23 posted 8/19/2014 16:31 PM

With substance abuse concerns, I would recommend looking into a parental evaluation. It may be best to have supervised visitation if he's actively using.

Welcome to D/S, She-Ra.

She-Ra posted 8/19/2014 16:39 PM

Thanks NIK!!

How do you get a parental evaluation? Is that done as a request through a lawyer?

I know I will be really concerned about escalated drug abuse after separation. He's told me he will spiral out of control with drinking and drugs if I left him. God how unhealthy does that sound just typing it out????

WastedTime12 posted 8/19/2014 17:15 PM

I made my divorce decree say that I have full sole custody and he had visitation at my discretion. If he was drunk he did not get to see my daughter. But I pretty much knew that he did not want to be a parent as that would get in the way of drinking. Not sure what is involved with a parental evaluatio.

She-Ra posted 8/19/2014 18:00 PM

Sounds like I need to seek legal advice since there are a lot of variables... Like right now he isn't using more than once every few weeks but that would change after separation. I really don't want things to get ugly but if it has to for the sake of our daughters safety the boxing gloves will go on.