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InnerLight posted 8/19/2014 13:06 PM

I returned from my bro in law's memorial with a heavy heart yesterday and today my cousin is sending me facebook messages demanding to know about the loan my aunt made to me, and why I have not made payments on it.

I am in fact up to date. My aunt gives my mom (her sister) birthday and xmas gifts by saying give this payment to your mother. She lives in Canada and this makes it easier. So he thinks I'm not honoring my agreement.

He is known to be a tactless guy. And he is being 10 ways of inappropriate today.

1. Facebook is not the format to bring up serious financial issues.

2. The agreement is between his mom and me and it is not his money.

3. It is the day after the memorial. I let him know that it has been difficult for my family and that I am recovering now but will get back to him later in the week. He still keeps sending me FB messages saying he is watching my payments carefully.

The irony is that when I was in college my folks went bankrupt and my aunt gave me $5K to pay tuition and I paid her back over the course of 5 years. Never missed a payment. Paid every cent. With each payment I wrote her a letter and she wrote back so we had a friendly correspondence and became close as a result. I learned how honoring a loan agreement can have the unexpected benefit of bringing people together in a positive way.

My aunt offered this latest loan, which was to pay down the mortgage so I could refi and get my X off the mortgage when my house went under water.

My aunt and cousin are very well off. She recently became ill and in caring for her my cousins found the loan agreement and I guess went looking for checks.

I feel so hurt and upset in so many ways about his handling of the situation.

When I am feeling better I will ask my aunt if she needs someone to help her track payments that she pick a different person as I cannot work with him.

I can't tell you how shitty this is to receive today of all days.

nowiknow23 posted 8/19/2014 13:26 PM

((((InnerLight)))) I'm sorry, honey.

brokeninfl posted 8/19/2014 13:32 PM

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this - especially at this time ((((InnerLight))) I hope he backs of and apologizes once this gets resolved.

norabird posted 8/19/2014 13:33 PM

((((IL))))

I'm sorry. What terrible timing. Remember that it will come out in the wash and try not to let this bring you down too much, it sounds like he is ignorant and tactless at best.

Kajem posted 8/19/2014 13:41 PM

(((((((Innerlight))))))))

FaithFool posted 8/19/2014 14:03 PM

Wasn't on FB but my sister did the same to me regarding a familial mortgage after my mom died.

We're officially estranged because she was such a pissy bitch about it, essentially accusing me of colluding to steal the house we shared (all written up legally and documented carefully) out from under her.

I know the feeling. Some people just need to be cut out of your life.

(((IL)))

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:17 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

Dadtryingtocope posted 8/19/2014 14:14 PM

(((IL)))

InnerLight posted 8/19/2014 14:16 PM

Thanks dear friends. I am so appreciating SI and you guys today. Your hugs mean a lot to me. FF that sounds horrible!

I am tempted to de-friend this cousin but I believe in keeping drama to a minimum so I will give this some more time to resolve.

I will just not go into FB for a while which is a drag as I have new FB friends from the memorial and people are posting about it. It's hard to believe that someone would not give a grieving person a little space before bringing up this loan issue.

InnerLight posted 8/19/2014 15:59 PM

I have stopped looking at FB but I still get the FB msgs in my inbox so the last one was so ridiculous I almost laughed.

I had explained why he might not see the payments (my aunt's gifts to my mom) and said I felt hurt by his insinuations and I had just returned from the memorial (which he already knew) so I was upset from that and I would get back to him later in the week.

His response was that he was not insinuating anything but he still demanded proof of payment and said he was watching those payments carefully.

When I didn't respond (I said I would get back to him later in the week) he wrote this:

"Aren't you predicable.. quite whining and become an adult."

Who is he talking to? I am Ms Responsibility. I just spent the last 3 months at my sister's side as much as possible to help her with her loss. I work my ass off to pay my bills and I pay them ALL including this loan with my aunt.

I hate that I feel on the defensive too!

nowiknow23 posted 8/19/2014 16:02 PM

WTH?

soulsearcher4 posted 8/19/2014 16:15 PM

Not his loan. Not his problem. Not his business!!

If he has questions about the loan, he can talk to the aunt!, his mother I assume? I hope the aunt/mother tells him to pound sand too!

FFS!

"Proof of payment"!!!

I bet that is what's happening. She is refusing to give him information and you should, too.

Sad in AZ posted 8/19/2014 16:44 PM

Unfortunately, if your aunt is elderly and needs help with her finances, you are stuck dealing with him. I understand the hurt. I'm going through this with my mom and my brother. He's a dick, but he has my mother's best interests at heart, so I try to think of it that way.

Try to put his attitude on the back burner and make a concerted effort to document EVERYTHING in your dealings with your aunt. Stand your ground on what happened in the past, but from this point forward, document. And address everything to your dear aunt, even though he's the one that's reading. Fuck him.

(((((InnerLight)))))

libertyrocks posted 8/19/2014 17:31 PM

what a dick. just ignore him. or try, at least.

sorry, sweetie.

big hugs here for you!!

jo2love posted 8/19/2014 19:15 PM

(((InnerLight)))

caregiver9000 posted 8/19/2014 19:30 PM

Shut him down! Block him on FB. I mean really. It is social media. Not an appropriate avenue to air family financial issues. How awful.

Is your aunt still capable of managing her own finances? If so, I would include her in the conversation at a later date (such as next week as you offered the cousin.)

He is being rude and insensitive.

and the requested (((((HUG)))))

Melody3 posted 8/19/2014 21:16 PM

((((HUGS))))

InnerLight posted 8/19/2014 22:46 PM

Thanks for the support, guys.

To a certain extent it got cleared up. My last FB note from my cousin said this:

When you phoned your sister, who then phoned your mother, who then phoned my mother, the whole story went ballistic, including Mum's blood pressure. All I wanted was an explanation. I gave you the record as I saw it from your deposited checks. Had you just left it as you said, I would have gotten it from Mum, and nothing would have happened today.

Going forward with clarity and understanding is all that is important. Money is not.

I also got a call from my aunt this eve. You couldn't ask for a kinder auntie. She apologized for her son and said that she was so mad at him today that she hung the phone up on him.

I asked if she was unhappy with me or my payments and she said no, that she loves our arrangement, that I make it easier for her to send money to my mom and she knows I am good for all the payments.

She said she will make her other son executor of her will when she goes. He is more diplomatic. She says the son who FB'd me today is too 'abrasive' and she doesn't like that. I told her I'm glad as I really can't work with M___. I know he doesn't mean to be mean, but his messages come across as nasty. She agrees.

I felt physically ill today. Exhausted from the memorial weekend, really triggered by this family member being so in my face.

My SO took me to dinner and afterwards I bought myself 25 sea salt chocolate covered almonds for some good old fashioned emotional eating treat.

On the positive side, my auntie is the absolute best auntie I could have and I love her dearly and I know she loves me back.

dreamlife posted 8/19/2014 23:27 PM

Sending you huge hugs!

better4me posted 8/20/2014 09:59 AM

Glad this seems to be sorting itself out with your Aunt reigning in her son! I'll send you hugs any way because with what you've been going through I think you may be hug depleted! (((InnerLight)))

InnerLight posted 8/20/2014 16:53 PM

And another very long email from cousin M today included this gem of thoughtfulness

While it looks like a nice deal for you back then, figuring this out and how to deal with it has taken me many hours. It has also caused considerable strife in both families. I am doing this to help my Mother and the executor of her Will if it should come to that. Can you imagine his exclamation of WTF?? coming across this agreement, and then looking at the payment record? This is a near classic example of why one should never borrow money from relatives or friends. I also want you to consider how the rightful heirs of that money will feel if Mum should pass on. Also please consider how it looks to all the other nieces and nephews... she got hers, and we didn't.

Every one of us has faced separation, divorce, financial stress and deaths in our families and friends. Through all that, we did what was necessary and paid our debts off as our parents did too. Success comes from hard work, and doing without.

My aunt says she already gave her kids their inheritance and what's left is her money to spend as she wants.

Icky stuff. Felt yucky to receive.

I blocked him on FB. My sister invited him to speak to her on the phone on the weekend. She is a financial advisor and has heard everything in her practice.

I didn't respond to his email. I am on the verge of blocking him there too but trying not to inflame the situation.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 4:57 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]