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I cheated...OW now P

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Grand84 posted 8/19/2014 15:08 PM

Overall it has been 4 years together. I won't get into the whole back story about the nature of the relationship or make any excuses for my actions. I am a selfish a**h*le.

Long story short I cheated on her with a friend from HS. Happened once and now she is pregnant and keeping the child (11 weeks).

I am just asking for some advice how best to handle this situation (in terms of telling my GF). I love her and had already decided that she is the one I am going to marry.

Should I tell her right now or wait for an appropriate time?
Should I tell her, or get someone else to help?
How best to do this?

Has any guy here ever been in this situation?

Depressed and distressed at the pain my actions are about to cause.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 8/19/2014 15:11 PM

Give her 100% honesty and give to her asap.

You don't need help from another person, you do this yourself as its your problem you created.

deena04 posted 8/19/2014 15:12 PM

I am in the opposite ish position. He cheated and decided to marry me. I found out four months after marriage. I hate him for it. My marriage is a lie! Granted, his ONS didn't have a baby, but the cheating and marrying me without telling me is horrific. Don't wait another second. Tell her now! She deserves to know. Sorry to be blunt, but it's how it is for me.

Secrets Kept posted 8/19/2014 15:16 PM

[This message edited by Secrets Kept at 7:05 AM, August 25th (Monday)]

Grand84 posted 8/19/2014 15:23 PM

Thanks for all your responses. Deep down I know that I should tell her ASAP.

Its just HOW to do that is the issue.
How do I start the conversation? (she will be devastated)
What should I say?
How much details should I give?
Should I (try)to make it a bit easier by talking about what was going through my head at the time?

The "wayward side" has been very helpful so far.

I feel like I want to disappear

Sleepingbeauty posted 8/19/2014 15:23 PM

You need to tell GF and I agree go to WS for help also in the I can relate forum is when there is an OC(other child) that may help you.

sparkysable posted 8/19/2014 15:26 PM

You need to tell her and you need to give her all of the details that she wants. Do not try to keep any details from her because you think you are helping her. Her brain and her soul will be searching for answers. You have those answers. Give them to her so that her soul will have some peace.

Holly-Isis posted 8/19/2014 15:27 PM

There is no "appropriate time" to tell someone you've had an inappropriate relationship with someone who is now claiming to be pregnant.

Cut all contact with the OW. You and your GF must become a team and OW is not a part of that team. Only involve someone else in the telling if it's a couple's counselor. One that will focus on the A and not other problems. The A is a potential mortal wound compared to any other issue.

If the OW really is pregnant, then all contact needs to be through a lawyer until paternity is established.

Oddly enough OW tend to have a high number of pregnancies followed by miscarriages and abortions that tend to be above the usual average.

Merida posted 8/19/2014 15:33 PM

As a BS who is dealing with an OC

my WH thought to "protect me" and didn't tell me

for almost 6 years

I know we are wishing for a time machine on so many levels

please if you truly love your GF please please please tell her

If you are to get married, she has every right to be a team player with you in this dynamic = NOW. It may be that she chooses to not marry you, be OK with that fact as that is what love does - allow her to make her choice with full knowledge and freely.

Also, please please please confirm that the child is indeed yours. Cease any and all contact with the OW if you are going to try to R with your GF. All of the details can get sorted out after paternity is confirmed.

DO NOT ALLOW this OW to pull you further away from your GF - I cannot stress I have so BTDT with toxic OW and I cannot stress enough

love needs the truth to grow... you need trust to have a marriage which right now you don't have

(((grand84))) I am praying for you to have the strength to have the courage to stand up and do what is right all the way around

face your GF full on and tell her everything


to answer your questions

How do I start the conversation? (she will be devastated) I'd sit her down at least and start "I have to tell you this now - it's important."

What should I say? What you said here - you fucked an associate from HS and she's claiming she is pregnant.

How much details should I give? Everything she wants to know - she asks you tell.

Should I (try)to make it a bit easier by talking about what was going through my head at the time?
Not if it is about blameshifting. That question can be frought with "It's all about poor me" so be careful on that... if you are able to realize your screwed up thinking and the insecurity, low-self esteem and other problems that led to horrible boundaries and awful coping skills when it comes to stress than opening up vulnerably so that your BGF knows absolutely it has nothing to do with her than yes, start to own your shit

[This message edited by Merida at 3:39 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

SI Staff posted 8/19/2014 15:33 PM

Moved to the Wayward forum. BS's please post accordingly

Catwoman posted 8/19/2014 17:44 PM

I agree you should tell her immediately, wholly and with a lot of empathy.

But I am also going to take a slightly different tactic. I am going to encourage you to retain an attorney and require that any communication about the child be funneled through his office. I also think you should file a paternity suit as soon as the child is born. I am also going to encourage you to include your girlfriend in these discussions, should she decide to continue your relationship. This potential pregnancy involves her life too, should she stay with you. You need to remember that and make room for her thoughts and feelings in the matter.

It is important to remember that this is a legal issue as well as an emotional one. I think you need legal counsel.


wheat posted 8/19/2014 18:05 PM

I second everything Catwoman just posted.

Your actions are going to speak louder than your words. No embellishing, no explaining, just straight out as gently and as honestly as possible.

And then let her make the choice about how she goes forward with her life, either with you or without you. She deserves to know what's going on around her, and since it appears that you've had unprotected sex, she'll need to get an STD panel done ASAP.

Please keep posting, regardless of the outcome. You'll need to work through the issues that led you to cheat on her in the first place, so that it doesn't become temptation again in the future.

steadychevy posted 8/19/2014 20:49 PM

BH here. Tell her and tell her everything she needs to know. The comments about the legal side need to be taken to heart.

My WW had a ONS before we were married. She did not tell me because she thought I would break up with her. We were not engaged yet but were in a committed relationship, at least I thought so. She also had personal, private and in person contact with three men she had had sex with after we were engaged but claims there was no intimate or sexual contact. There was no remorse, no resolution, no dealing with any of these betrayals.

I don't know what I would have done if I had known. However, I wasn't given the choice. There were so many things that I did not know before we were married that came to light after. The situation is, though, that I made a decision to marry without all of the information. The marriage was done under false pretenses. The ONS came out in DDay 3 among other things.

25 years later my WW had a LTA with a COW. Probably at least partly the result of not ever dealing with any issues. Do not do this to your GF. Have the decency to give her all of the information. Let her make up her mind about her future with everything disclosed. Finding out later (truth seems to find its way out somehow) or from someone else will be much worse and more painful for her.

Honour her with the truth. She deserves it no matter the outcome.

Lovedyoumore posted 8/20/2014 00:12 AM

She deserves to be able to make an informed decision about keeping you in her life. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. Everyday you keep this from her is a day she will look back on as a deceptive memory. DDays are life changing and excruciatingly painful. The only thing worse is a W who keeps the secret one day longer.

Deeply Scared posted 8/20/2014 05:43 AM

also in the I can relate forum is when there is an OC(other child) that may help you.

That thread is strictly for BS's Only. WS's are not permitted to post on it.

Grand84 posted 8/20/2014 07:11 AM

Wow. I really am overwhelmed by all these responses.

Based on our current situation(work and school schedule), this Friday Aug 22nd seems the most feasible day to tell her. I'm thinking its best for her to have the weekend to process everything and to maybe flesh out the conversation some more. She will also get the chance to regroup before she goes back to work on Monday...or the opportunity to move out (if chosen)

So Friday is the day

The OW and I are quite cordial and have been discussing options going forward. She herself has basically said the same thing everyone has been saying.....that I need to tell my GF ASAP. I really don't want to bring antagonism into the picture by cutting ALL contact with her and bringing the legal stuff up right now.

My first duty is to tell my GF. After that we will see. So Friday it is....

annb posted 8/20/2014 07:18 AM

Hi, Grand84, you have gotten some great advice.

I will reiterate what everyone else is MUST meet with an attorney like yesterday.

The OW and I are quite cordial and have been discussing options going forward

^^^Your continued communication with OW is not going to sit well with your gf. Right now I suggest you go NC with OW immediately until you and gf can sort through this mess.

Good luck.

ReconcilingWife posted 8/20/2014 07:27 AM

Please please please: read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair BEFORE you tell her. It has really good advice on how to handle disclosure and what to expect from her. There is a pdf version of it somewhere online.

Catwoman posted 8/20/2014 11:14 AM

Continued contact with the OW is going to truly devastate your girlfriend.

I strongly suggest you retain an attorney and allow the attorney's office to handle all communication until after paternity has been established.

DO NOT allow the OW to put your name in the birth certificate without a proof of paternity and your attorney's permission.

In some states, your "assumption" of paternity can be used against you. Please lawyer up like yesterday.

And please go 100 percent no contact with the OW. You cannot have a "cordial" relationship with her and keep your girlfriend.


Grand84 posted 8/20/2014 12:00 PM

Ok so all contact with OW has been cut. Though she agreed I can feel the tension as she asked about the costs for her next OB/GYN visit and vitamins (we agreed to share).

She lives in the US, but I don't. So I have no idea re the legal procedures etc. I really am hoping it won't come to that. I am not running from my responsibilities.

Still on for Friday....sigh. I am so dead

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