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islesguy posted 8/19/2014 15:10 PM

I have been working on documenting a new set of boundaries with responses which I hope are non offensive. I thought I would post them here for feedback or additions you might have. I will also say that if any of these situations occur, I will discuss what occurred with my wife.

Boundary:
I will not have any conversations about personal information with anyone without your knowledge
Response:
If I am in a conversation and someone asks me a personal question, I will reply by saying that for my own reasons I am not comfortable with discussing personal things.

Boundary:
I will not have any private non professional conversations with anyone of the opposite sex
Response:
If I am in a conversation where something non professional comes up, I will respond by steering the conversation back on task or excusing myself

Boundary:
I will never have any inappropriate conversations with anyone of the any gender
Response:
If I am in a situation where inappropriate things are being said, I will politely excuse myself

Boundary:
There is absolutely no non professional touching of any kind with anyone of the opposite sex
Response:
If this were to happen, I would excuse myself from the situation immediately and follow up with a written correspondence explaining how I felt it was inappropriate. If this was a work situation, HR may need to be involved.

Boundary:
If a one on one meeting with someone of the opposite sex at work is required, the door will always be open
Response:
If I am in a meeting with a female and she closes the door, I will politely say that I would prefer the door remain open for my own personal reasons

Boundary:
I will not consume any alcohol of any kind
Response:
If I am offered alcohol, I will respond by saying no thank you, for personal reasons I stopped drinking a few years ago

Boundary:
I will not participate in dancing of any kind with anyone of the opposite sex
Response:
If I am asked to dance, I will politely say that I only dance with my wife

Boundary:
I will not view any explicit images or videos (porn)
Response:
If I am around someone who starts viewing porn, I will excuse myself and leave

Boundary:
I will never again visit a strip clubs or any place that is not something appropriate for a married man
Response:
If I am with someone who suggests going to a strip club or someplace else inappropriate, I will respond by saying I would rather go somewhere else or I will leave on my own

Boundary:
Any friends I have in the future will be friends of the marriage
Response:
If I am asked to do something with someone who would be deemed not a friend of the marriage, I will politely decline

struggling3 posted 8/19/2014 15:44 PM

It sounds like you've got this. A big start is to recognize all of these scenarios...know they can happen and have a plan. Of course, in the heat of it all, it can be tough. I give you big props. Best of luck.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/19/2014 15:48 PM

You know what? I think some of your responses might be giving too much information. For example, on the drinking one, a simple, "No, thanks." is sufficient. The same with the strip clubs. Do people actually start viewing porn in presence of others?? If so, no words are necessary, just walk out.

Aubrie posted 8/19/2014 16:31 PM

Agree with the above poster.

You owe nobody an explanation for anything. If they ask after you say no, be firm. "Because I said no." As long as YOU and your BS knows, that's all that matters.

People are so dang nosy. Don't be afraid to stand your ground and be a block wall. It's nobody's business. Stand guard. Build up the boundaries. Explain to no one.

islesguy posted 8/19/2014 16:38 PM

Thanks for your responses, I will remove some of the non necessary information. Any other boundaries you feel should be added?

Aubrie posted 8/19/2014 17:12 PM

I think boundaries are similar for everyone yet unique to each situation. If that makes any sense.

Suggestion: Have this conversation with your wife. You have an excellent start IMO. However she knows you better than we do. She may see certain areas that need shoring up that we can only begin to guess at.

Tigaress posted 8/20/2014 10:13 AM

Hi Islesguy - I want to congratulate on your work on the boundaries. It does look like a good list to start from and I agree that it might be the best idea to work over it with your wife. Even more important, you are putting in the time and effort and showing with actions that you want to work on your marriage. I wish my husband had just a tiny bit of this initiative.

RMarred posted 8/20/2014 10:27 AM

This is a sound list of boundaries. Well-written and comprehensive... and easy to abide by, should these situations ever arise.

islesguy posted 8/20/2014 10:36 AM

I just added this one as well:

Boundary:

I will not use social media for personal use

Response: 

If I am invited to a social media website, I will decline

holesinmybucket posted 8/20/2014 11:57 AM

islesguy
From a BW perspective, this is so valuable and the time and effort you are putting into writing them all down...just plain ROCKS! There is truly something to be said about committing to them in writing, it can help you internalize them. Making them truly yours Now written into your core value system.

I can definitely understand not wanting to offend anyone. For myself, learning assertiveness is a very useful tool. Sometimes, hard limits needs to be set and polite just wont cut it. This is a great time be assertive, this can really help build the internal fortitude that will be needed to protect what it most valuable to you. I have never been comfortable with being aggressive, I care to much about others feelings, so that never really worked for me. However, learning to be matter of fact, point blank, hard lined can accomplish its goal and you walk away proud of your fortitude.

I have asked my FWH, to not make any unnecessary emotional investment to anyone other then his family. How I see it is, in any given day a person only has so much time, energy and emotional energy to give, so use it wisely. For example, my FWH is steering clear of the gossipers and attention seekers (male or female) He is trying to not over invest in anyone, including his work issues. This is important, because if he puts to much emotional energy in his:buddies marriage problems, interdepartmental conflict, projects, deadlines, ect there will be little left to give emotionally to his family. My FWH has not mastered this yet, however he has made huge progress and it really makes a difference in his ability to be emotionally available for his family. Just a thought to consider.

Keep it up! What you are working on is your core value system and you are doing a great job!

Transformation posted 8/21/2014 20:08 PM

I agree with all the replies, this is a very good list of boundaries. I'd like offer one that my wife and I have; she and I will never do anything one on one with someone of the opposite sex. No car rides one on one, no going to lunch one on one, no getting a cup of coffee one on one, etc. Of course, there will be times when a one on one situation can't be avoided. If that occurs, I will tell my wife before hand, if possible, or as soon as possible after the situation is over.

Girlietoo posted 8/21/2014 22:51 PM

These are excellent and I just asked my WH to observe these same boundaries. He would not agree and that has really hurt me. However, your post helps me see that I am not being unreasonable and other WH's make these types of commitments willingly.

islesguy posted 8/22/2014 08:06 AM

Transformation,

Thanks for your response, I agree with that boundary and thought I had it covered but I realized that my list has specific boundaries about the opposite sex but missing the general one. I will add it now.

islesguy posted 8/22/2014 08:09 AM

Boundary: 

I will not have any private interactions with someone of the opposite sex (car rides, lunch, etc.)


Response:

If I am invited to have a private interaction or find myself in one because someone else has left, I will excuse myself.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/22/2014 08:23 AM

Regarding the car ride one: We ran into this just this week and I had to let it go. See, H works as a restaurant manager and he recently took a new job. We're in the middle of seven weeks of him training in ALL of the positions he'll be supervising. He was training in the catering director position and it was so strange to have him call me as he was getting in a car with a female to make a delivery. Now, I trust him, but it WAS strange and it wasn't something either of us could do anything about. H apologized profusely for my discomfort, but I just told him to let it go because there was nothing that could have been about it. So, sometimes, you have to have flexibility in regards to boundaries.