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Bliss then betrayal

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Cali123 posted 8/19/2014 15:18 PM

Hello everyone, I am new here and really seeking to have my story heard as I feel I have nobody else to talk to right now. I apologize if this is long, but bear with me. Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

I have even dating my current boyfriend for 9 months, even though we knew each other since high school and he grew up playing sports with my older brothers. I will give you some background. I am a 30 yr old female and he is 34. He is divorced and has a son who is 5. I have met the son and live with my boyfriend. Everything had been short of amazing until three weeks ago when my world came crashing down. Let me add a few more things about his past marriage as they may come Into factor. His ex wife cheated on him while they were married and we have had open discussions about how this affects him now in the ability to open up to someone. After the split, he went and sowed some wild oats, basically drank a lot and slept with numerous girls to probably drown out the pain. Alcohol has always been an issue for him also

So here we go.

Three weeks ago, my boyfriend told me he was meeting up with a buddy of his for a few drinks after work. This buddy was the only one I haven't met but I didn't think twice and told him to have fun. Like I said, things seemed perfect, almost too good to be true and I never had any reason to not trust him. So much so that I didn't even ask him where they would be, I just told him to have fun. I'm not the gf who texts a million times while their Significant other is out either. So anyways- he went for drinks and I went to play on my volleyball league.
When I got home from league, he texted me and said "I'll be home soon babe". I could tell from previous texts that he was somewhat drunk so I asked him if he needed a ride. No reply. I thought nothing of it and got into bed, waiting for the door to open any minute. The door never opened and he never came home. By three am, I was pacing the house crying, convinced he was in an accident because it was so not like him to not show up. I drove around town looking for accident scenes. I called the cops to see if there were any accidents. Even then, I figured he just got too drunk and passed out at his buddies. The next morning I leave for work, still in a panic that he wasn't home. By time I got to work, he texted me and said "I am home. I am so sorry"

I immediately called him and calmly asked what happened. I was calm because in my mind i still never had the though of him cheating.

I will never forget the words

"I got a hotel room"
Me- "with who"
" with an old friends with benefits girl"

My stomach literally dropped. More than being devastated, I was shocked to the core. All I remember saying was "why" over and over. He said he didn't know. I told him that wasn't a good neigh answer for me. I told him I was goin to stay at my friends tonight to which he responded "please come home, I want to talk this through, I love you so much. I know I messed this up but please let me prove it to you how big of a mistake I just made".

I didn't want to be completely irrational and throw away anything quite yet so I agreed to talk. When I came home that night, I sat on the couch. He walked down the stairs, without a word, kneeled down in front of me and put his head on mly lap and started sobbing.

We started talking and I wanted answers. He claims he drank way too much an that if he was sober if would hav never happened. I hate that excuse but in a way, I do believe it's true. He also stayed he was beginning to get scared about his feelings for me. How the last time he opened up and let his ex wife in, she destroyed him. I told him I can't take the pain of what his ex wife did to him. He was too scared on how Perfect everything was and went into "self destruction" mode because he doesn't believe he deserves someone as good as me.

On that day, he made a promise to me that he is completely done drinking because he believes that's what lead to those decisions. The girl meant nothing to him and doesn't even ever talk to her. He said he got too drunk and went back into his "single mode".

He has now been 19 days sober. I know that doesn't seem like a lot but for him, it is. He couldn't go one day without drinking. He tells me that he was scared before and now that he has almost lost me, he realiZes he doesn't ever want to lose me. That's great and all but I told him I want to be with someone who wants me and doesn't have to figure that out by making a mistake like this.

Bottom line- I am choosing to move forward. I know it's going to be a long long road. Deep down I know I can trust him again, I can already see the effort being put into making things better, I just know I'm going to have bad days. Like today for example. Where my mind is consumed on every single detail. What hotel did they go to, etc. I'm hoping this gets better with time and I'm hoping to hear other people input who have been through it.

Thanks for listening everyone :)

momentintime posted 8/19/2014 15:28 PM

I am so sorry for your pain. You have joined us and it is a great place for suppport and insight.

This will work until the next time he gives into drink and can't control himself. You say he has an alcohol problem. He has currently quit for the last few weeks. That won't last, once he thinks this has blown over he will start with just one, and it will grow to more.

Did he meet this FWB girl for drinks or was he with guys and then met her by accident? However it happened, he stayed with her and ended up in a hotel room. Whose idea was it to go to a hotel room? Who registered - him or her?

You need a clear picture of HOW this happened. He texted you he would be home soon, you texted back but he didn't answer. What happened? Did she take his phone away? Did he just ignore your text? You don't have all the answers.

It is too soon to think you are well on your way to recovery. It doesn't happen like that. Ask any one of us on this website. We will support you through the roller coaster ride of your life. Stay strong, don't rugsweep this or you will be repeating it.

Until he seeks counseling the problem will persist. Don't kid yourselves it is that easy to fix. Hard work ahead for both of you.

[This message edited by momentintime at 3:35 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

Cali123 posted 8/19/2014 15:36 PM

Sorry, I didn't want it to seem like I'm well on my way to recovery. I realize I'm not and it's going to be a long road. All I know right now is that I am choosing to try to make it work.

In response to the text messaging. He texted me at 11 saying he was coming home. It wasn't until 1 that I tried to contact hi to se where he was and there was no response. He claimed at this point that he didn't even realize I was texting because he was so drunk.

lovesobroken posted 8/19/2014 15:47 PM

Its a little surprising to me that he didn't know what he was doing when he explicitly went to a hotel, registered and went up to the room and was able to do the deed. So many steps which make it a conscious decision and not 'too drunk to know what's happening'. I think he needs to dig deeper,own up to it. Did he even meet the guy? If not it was more of a planned decision to meet just her? Find out more about the night. I feel like you don't know the entire picture yet. Many hugss

[This message edited by lovesobroken at 3:48 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

Cali123 posted 8/19/2014 16:07 PM

He did meet with the guy. I spoke with his friend the next morning and he said he left the bar around 11, which is when he stopped texting me. Said that my boyfriend stayed by himself, so that must have been when the texts we're exchanged and she came to
Meet up :(

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