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libertyrocks posted 8/19/2014 15:42 PM

Every day. I can't stop. He's utterly broken and I'm a mess because under all the hate and anger I still love this bad man. I know he's bad and I have to stay away from him. It just hurts so much right now.

Finally, after 2 1/2 years, I feel sadness. There was a lot of anger and I'm finally mourning him. I feel so fragile. I was so tough for so long.

I'm starting IC again, stress management classes, and on AD's again. Hopefully, this helps.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:43 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

newlysingle posted 8/19/2014 15:46 PM

I'm sorry you're hurting so much, but please know that this is normal. It's a normal stage of the grieving process. You've hit the acceptance stage. I went through this myself and it hit like a ton of bricks. I was so angry at him for so long and it fueled me to move forward and do what I needed to do. Then all of a sudden I stopped being so angry and I was just lost, devastated.

It was like a flood of emotions realizing that it was really over and that my life would never be the same. This happened about 3 months post Divorce when I thought I was pretty much done grieving. It completely took me by surprise. I moved through it though. I'm now pretty peaceful and content. I still have moments of anger and sadness, but my good days far outweigh the bad now.

(((liberty)))

libertyrocks posted 8/19/2014 15:50 PM

Thank you for sharing, newlysingle. My eyes are all puffy! lol. I don't even want to go out for lunch today. I guess when people at work ask me what's wrong, I'll just tell them I going through a divorce. It's part of life and a lot of people go through it. Sometimes, I'm just brutally honest.

Me too, I thought I was so over him. But, after 13 years with this man, how could I really expect that. I remember our group therapy sessions, he with his and I with mine, and me telling them I can't cry. Well, now I can.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:52 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

nowiknow23 posted 8/19/2014 15:57 PM

I know it doesn't seem like it, but those tears are a good thing. The numbness and shock keep them at bay for a while, and then one day, the dam breaks.

Lean into it, honey. Let it all be felt and processed so you can move through it. ((((liberty))))

Softcentre posted 8/19/2014 16:12 PM

Liberty - I think this is what I'm going through right now, too. I felt good, strong...thought I must have reached acceptance, then, well all this grief has hit me in the last week. 2 years out, I hope this is the bridge to acceptance, I really do. ((liberty))

solus sto posted 8/19/2014 19:01 PM

(((liberty))) I'm so sorry.

It gets better. It really does.

jrzeegirl posted 8/19/2014 19:19 PM

Oh my gosh Liberty! I could have written this post.
And it all happened today. I called the realtor to list the house, thinking she would come next week. But she is planning to come this Thursday and put the for sale sign out front. It hit me just like you at work, and my eyes too were all blotchy and red. And then once I composed myself in the bathroom I started crying again at my desk. I've been separated for 2 1/2 years! Why now? Plus I get to see Mr Wonderful Thursday because he has to sign as well. Of course the divorce papers are at the courthouse being prepared and will be served to him soon. Maybe with everything happening all at once it just got to me today. It hurts. It hurts real bad. But we will get through it. Let the sadness hit you. It is just another step in the grieving process.
((Libertyrocks))

caregiver9000 posted 8/19/2014 19:25 PM

(((more hugs)))

I'm with Nik: Lean into it. Tamping it down or denying it makes it last longer I think. Stages of grief are relevant here and each one is a step closer to acceptance and the dull ache instead of the sharp pain.

I am sorry.

Sleepingbeauty posted 8/19/2014 19:47 PM

This is scaring me. I cried solid for the first week or two. I didn't sleep, couldn't eat. I sill cry and still have problems sleeping ad eating but I thought I as getting better. I made it through my first birthday, my first anniversary, my father's death. I hate to think that I'm going to fall completely apart again.

I guess I'm lucky he has done something so despicable that I really can honestly say I don't love him, nor do I like him. When our divorce is final I hope to never see him again.

FaithFool posted 8/19/2014 20:36 PM

Totally normal stage in the process. It sucks, but it will eventually pass.

I was still having crying jags up until early last year.

T-I-M-E.

(((lr)))

betrayedpregnant posted 8/20/2014 04:44 AM

(libertyrocks) it's okay to cry. We all have cried so many tears over these waywards. We're human, we have feelings, and those feelings have been hurt in the most painful way.

yestopants posted 8/20/2014 09:21 AM

((libertyrocks)) you are still strong and the tears will only make stronger. I used to never cry now I do. It feels good to let it out and just feel.

nowiknow23 posted 8/20/2014 09:28 AM

How are you doing today, honey?

sparkysable posted 8/20/2014 11:07 AM

I didn't sleep for a straight year. I barely made it through each moment of each day. Society wants you to "get over it" and "move on" but the truth is, it takes a long time. I'm at 4 years past d-day and I am just starting to feel like a somewhat normal human being.

norabird posted 8/20/2014 12:47 PM

((((liberty))))

It is so, so normal. I think you had started dating a bit, right? In a way, that was just suppressing all the sense of loss and sadness and mourning and grief. It just has to come out and you have to let it. Slowly you'll start crying less. Think of it as purging and be kind to yourself.

Having love for people who don't deserve it and have abused us is a pretty awful feeling, but it's because you are a kind and loving person. There is nothing wrong with you. Stay NC, and let your feelings run their course. There is nothing wrong with you.

LoveHerStill posted 8/20/2014 22:08 PM

As the above have said, it is totally normal. My IC confirmed it and said the intensity of your grieving process matches the intensity of your love for them.

I was a complete emotional jellyfish for about a year and a half, I mean if I ran out of milk I would cry! No joke! I laugh at it now, but it was real back then.

The next year was better, but I would have spells where I would start obcessing and crying until I found a way to stop obcessing.

Now, 4 years out, I still think about it almost every day, but the sharp pain is gone and mostly anger and sadness remain. Some days I feel truly happy and do experience genuine joy, something I thought I would never feel again.

It does unfortunately take a lot of time. Just grieve when you need to and you will move through it.

One thing I realized the other day is that I am healing, but XWW has not processed this yet and she has a long way to go. I know her well and I know she feels shame and guilt. I have also been told by a mutual friend that she does not trust OM and that she is embarrassed by him at times.

I am near the end of my healing, she has yet to begin.

Hang in there and know that we are all with you in spirit when you are crying, we get it and we really do wish the best for you.

Peace to us all.

deena posted 8/20/2014 23:20 PM

It must be steps in healing like everyone here is saying.
I am going thru some emotions now too.
It is 4 1/2 years since DDay. But after r that didn't work, now I am ending it. So maybe that is why the process is so out of whack for me right now.

After this we should be emotional power houses. This will maybe harden us and make us stronger
(((( liberty rocks)))))))

libertyrocks posted 8/21/2014 10:10 AM

Thank you everyone. I'm doing better today. A little jaded but doing better, thanks. Our IC's commented how strange it was that I supressed my pain. Well, here it is, coming out now. After all this time.

Yes, I did date for a few months. Now, I want nothing to do with dating. I'm not in a healthy emotional place. It did more damage than good and kept me occupied from facing these harsh feelings of grief. It's time to face the music.

FaithFool posted 8/21/2014 11:56 AM

I was a complete emotional jellyfish for about a year and a half, I mean if I ran out of milk I would cry!

After my third move in two years, I remember weeping on the phone to the only man in my life at the time, my contractor (also a family friend who was close to my just-deceased mom) that I couldn't find my cheese grater.

I wanted to make a fucking omelette and couldn't find the damn thing in my sea of boxes.

I just stood in the kitchen and sobbed uncontrollably.

Sometimes you just have to hit the wall.

It gets better.