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Apologizing to OM Wife. BS replies welcome

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healingjourney posted 8/19/2014 17:38 PM

My D Day was 6 weeks ago and I went NC immediately. The AP's wife knows about the affair. I feel absolutely horrible about the pain I caused, both to my BH and to AP's wife. My BH and I are in MC and I am in IC.

I would discuss this with my BH before reaching out, and it would probably be awhile from now while I focus on trying to help me and my husband, but I was curious about BS as well as WS perspectives on this. I don't want to add to this woman's pain, but I think about her all the time and I feel so terrible that I harmed this woman by engaging in affair with her husband. I really feel horrible for what I did and I want to apologize, but I don't know how she would feel about hearing from me and the last thing I want to do is add to her pain.

I was the BS in the past (not my current relationship) but the OW didn't know about me, so I didn't have any ill feelings toward her.

[This message edited by healingjourney at 5:41 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

solus sto posted 8/19/2014 17:42 PM

I know your intentions are good, but this is not something I would welcome. There isn't an I'm sorry that will help, and I simply do not want any contact. NC is for everyone.

3kids30years posted 8/19/2014 18:20 PM

Honestly - if OW "reached out" to me, I'd not be impressed. Why now? Because the A is over? Why not before? An apology is too little/too late. And I doubt I'd believe it anyway.

NC is the best bet. She has enough on her plate. An "I'm sorry" sounds good, but doesn't really help. You will never understand her pain, and you may add to it.

It might be helpful to write a letter, and then if you are contacted, you will have something to send.

I'd say no contact. But that's just me. I hate OW - she knew me and didn't care. I was just in the way. Nothing OW has to say is of any interest to me. Ever.

sorrowfulmate posted 8/19/2014 18:33 PM

My wife got into contact with the obs last night.

At one point in the texting she sent "for what it's worth my husband regrets what happened."

His response was "I do not think very highly of your husband"

This is after 5 months out for us. I don't think reaching out is going to be a good idea for you at this time.

deeplysad posted 8/19/2014 18:36 PM

I actually wanted an apology from the OW. She knew about me and they carried on the affair even after I found out (before I found SI). She was well aware of the pain I was in and could not have cared less.

I really wanted her to acknowledge that I was a person in pain and that she had a role in that pain.

Instead she decided to play the victim card.

Amazingyetlost posted 8/19/2014 18:47 PM

Dear healingjourney

My WH is like you, someone who had been a BS before, and somehow overrode his own experiences(omg it happened to him twice!)of pain and humiliation to cheat on me. From dealing with my WH, I understand a little the weird space you are in, and perhaps why you want to apologize so soon to the BS. I think first, you should review with your IC what your intentions and reasons are, and even how you would do such a thing so that you can further explore if you are doing it for the BW or for yourself.

As for me and my take on this: I am just about eight weeks out from my own D Day, and I feel such hate and anger at the OW who participated in my WH's A. She left a trail of ego kibbles that H followed greedily, offered friend with benefits, and off they went on a 10 month A, over a time which included H actually going through with marrying me, and OW being fine with that and even granted a five day radio silence over my wedding celebration time. Its truly horrible.

But oh, healingjourney, if that woman now came to me now with a heartfelt and authentic apology, outlining exactly what she did and apologizing for every step, and showing me that she had woken up from the fog that could have one woman destroying another woman's life, I would be profoundly moved. I would stop seeing her as a toad, I would be able to see that she has a soul and empathy and self reflection -- and really, that would silence and still the thoughts and the visions I have about how she must have reveled in the experience of destroying my life.

A lot of people here also give VERY good reasons why your apologising at this time, or ever, is not a good idea. I am not saying that they do not have a point. I am only giving my perspective.

Good luck with the enormous amount of work, on so many fronts, that you have in front of you.

RippedSoul posted 8/19/2014 18:57 PM

BS here, 18 months out. The only thing I ever want to hear from/about OW is that she's been hit by the karma bus. Truthfully. She's not worthy of writing a letter to me or looking at me or calling me.

Since you're not the OW who destroyed a chunk of my life, I'm capable of viewing you differently, of cheering you on, of offering advice, and of hoping for the best for you. So let me tell you that the only sorry that will help is the collective one I read about here in the Wayward Side. It helps me to heal when I read about your collective struggles here. I'm impressed by the changes remorseful waywards are trying to implement. I see the battles my SLAWH is fighting to make himself a better person. That helps me, overall, to be able to forgive--generically--all those who have cheated and who ARE sorry. It helps me to see my own WH differently. And, someday, it will help me to imagine the OW in my case feels the same way.

Still, I can't imagine wanting contact with her. Ever. Ever! It seems counter-intuitive, perhaps, but your apology would most likely make you feel better and her worse. Making life decisions based on what you wanted to do instead of what was best for another is what brought you here in the first place. Please don't give in to that impulse.

plainpain posted 8/19/2014 19:18 PM

As a BW, my opinion is that - unless the BW is your sister or friend or someone you have to work with every day - there really is nothing you can say or do for her. An apology might make you feel better for half a minute, but that's it. Honestly, the last thing she wants right now is for you to feel better or have any relief from suffering over what you have done. She wants you to suffer. She fantasizes about ways to make you suffer. She spends every waking moment wishing she could get you out of her head. She does not want to have compassion for you. She does NOT want to believe you are maybe actually a nice person with any kind of moral conscience. An apology just says, "I know enough to know it was wrong and I did it anyway." I comfort myself with believing my WHs AP is an amoral person with no soul. I appreciate that she continues to allow me to believe that.

I am sure it is very painful, and I think you need to focus on healing you. I know what my own WH has gone through over the last few years, and you do have my compassion for the road you now have to walk.

What a BS NEEDS is to know that the OP is GONE from their life and is not going to be adding or taking away one single solitary more thing. The best you can do is be ferocious about NC. Do not be emotionally attached to her or her husband or the outcome of her life.

Unless she comes to you - in which case I would say the best thing you can do is just answer any questions honestly and matter of factly. You do not want to be and cannot be part of her healing. If you are in a position to apologize, my advice would be the same as for your own BS. Do not minimize, do not justify, do not blame-shift, take full absolute total responsibility for your actions, acknowledge the devastation, express remorse, say what you are doing to ensure that you are not a person who will ever make this choice again. But really, the chances of either of you saying something to set your healing back 10 years are so great that I can't recommend anything but NC.


SisterMilkshake posted 8/19/2014 19:43 PM

No. I really don't feel most BS's would welcome an apology. Unless you had a close prior relationship (i.e. double betrayals) then I feel that a lot of BS's would want an apology.

The best way any AP can show they are sorry is to stay. away.

healingroad posted 8/19/2014 19:50 PM

Whether it's a good idea or not, I can't say. But I applaud you for thinking about the OBW. My WW seemed to lack empathy for her AP's BW, and that bothered me a great deal.

painfulpast posted 8/19/2014 19:55 PM

I know others have already stated that reaching out may not be the best idea. I did want to make one other comment regarding this statement:

I would discuss this with my BH before reaching out, and it would probably be awhile from now while I focus on trying to help me and my husband,

If you do decide to apologize, please do not wait a while. This person will be working on her own healing. She may be months out, and you contacting her would set her back and may refresh a lot of feelings she's already working through.

If apologizing is something you feel compelled to do, I don't think your timeline should be a factor.

Wodnships posted 8/19/2014 20:02 PM

I'm mostly just echoing what's already been said, but I have no desire to have any contact with the AP. An apology isn't going to help if anything it's just going to piss me off. I'd also not want my wife contacting his girlfriend. Any of it would just stir up negativity I don't want or need.

[This message edited by Wodnships at 8:10 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

hopefull77 posted 8/19/2014 20:02 PM

As a BS I just want you to move on ...let me heal...
Focus on your H he needs you more....
I wish you PEACE...

redsox13 posted 8/19/2014 20:04 PM

I got a letter from the OM. Piece of junk.

But then he could have been Shakespeare and it wouldn't have mattered.

You have nothing to say to the OBS that is useful IMO. Your very existence is better not thought of at all.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I got an apology, and all it did was make me mad and depressed.

TheIrishGirl posted 8/19/2014 20:27 PM

I see two scenarios where the apology letter would be appropriate: 1) you were her friend 2) you did not know AP was attached. In scenario 1, you apologize for the fact that you betrayed her too. In scenario 2, you apologize for the role you took, and make it clear that had you known, you never would have.

Otherwise, just do your best to not exist in her world.

rachelc posted 8/19/2014 20:35 PM

As a WW I did apologize but only during the phone call when I revealed the truth. She appreciated the truth, she didn't the apology.
As a BS I received apologies from both OW. They rang hollow.
They did not deserve to even have the opportunity to say that to me and I told then I didn't want to hear it.
Don't do it.
Stay out of her orbit.

Gman1 posted 8/19/2014 20:35 PM

I totally disagree with most of the sentiment here. I know that everyone is very different and everyone has an opinion. As a BS, I felt very strongly that I had been wronged and disrespected by my WW's AP. He had entered into my domain and tried to take the most precious thing in my life having full knowledge that my wife was married with small children. Without my knowledge or permission he had entered into my life and nearly wrecked every single aspect of my life and my family.

And for that, I wanted justice or an apology. I wanted him to realize how much trauma and damage he had caused. So for me, an apology was extremely important and he finally had the balls to call me one night and apologized sincerely and profusely. I kept my temper in check and really appreciated it very much.

I would suggest writing the OM's wife a heartfelt letter and express yourself as you did in your post. Close the letter stating that she will never hear from you again but leave your phone number and tell her she could call you if she ever chose to do so. I think she would appreciate it.

JustWow posted 8/19/2014 20:46 PM

NC with both her and her H is the most sincere apology, IMO. Anything else smacks of relieving your guilty conscience, not about her. You don't know her, or what she needs.

Leave them in peace.

hurtinghearts posted 8/19/2014 20:55 PM

I wanted justice for what these OW helped do to my life. The main OW respected NC, but when I reached out to her at the six month mark for answers, she respectfully answered all of my questions and genuinely apologized for her role in my devastation. She is the only OW I have forgiven at this point 4 1/2 years out).

The others ignored me or mocked me.

Give her some time and see if she reaches out, then please be truthful and kind to her. She may not appreciate it right then, but it will most likely bring her peace later down the road. I still have so much anger and hatred for the others, but the main one, although not my favorite person, is no longer in my head. I am at peace where she is concerned.

Sammy2013 posted 8/19/2014 21:05 PM

As a BS myself I would recommend you keep the NC unless she reaches out to you. If she does that, you can take that opportunity to apologize to her. But, gently, breaking the NC to make yourself feel better by apologizing is a bit cruel. It's just a transference of your negative feelings onto her at this point. If the BS knows about you and wants to talk to you she will get in touch.

I get the good intention, but keep the NC. It's best for everyone.

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