I would discuss this with my BH before reaching out, and it would probably be awhile from now while I focus on trying to help me and my husband, but I was curious about BS as well as WS perspectives on this. I don't want to add to this woman's pain, but I think about her all the time and I feel so terrible that I harmed this woman by engaging in affair with her husband. I really feel horrible for what I did and I want to apologize, but I don't know how she would feel about hearing from me and the last thing I want to do is add to her pain.
I was the BS in the past (not my current relationship) but the OW didn't know about me, so I didn't have any ill feelings toward her.
[This message edited by healingjourney at 5:41 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]
NC is the best bet. She has enough on her plate. An "I'm sorry" sounds good, but doesn't really help. You will never understand her pain, and you may add to it.
It might be helpful to write a letter, and then if you are contacted, you will have something to send.
I'd say no contact. But that's just me. I hate OW - she knew me and didn't care. I was just in the way. Nothing OW has to say is of any interest to me. Ever.
Trust is earned, respect is given, & loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one is to loose all three.
At one point in the texting she sent "for what it's worth my husband regrets what happened."
His response was "I do not think very highly of your husband"
This is after 5 months out for us. I don't think reaching out is going to be a good idea for you at this time.
I really wanted her to acknowledge that I was a person in pain and that she had a role in that pain.
Instead she decided to play the victim card.
It takes all kinds of kinds....Miranda Lambert
My WH is like you, someone who had been a BS before, and somehow overrode his own experiences(omg it happened to him twice!)of pain and humiliation to cheat on me. From dealing with my WH, I understand a little the weird space you are in, and perhaps why you want to apologize so soon to the BS. I think first, you should review with your IC what your intentions and reasons are, and even how you would do such a thing so that you can further explore if you are doing it for the BW or for yourself.
As for me and my take on this: I am just about eight weeks out from my own D Day, and I feel such hate and anger at the OW who participated in my WH's A. She left a trail of ego kibbles that H followed greedily, offered friend with benefits, and off they went on a 10 month A, over a time which included H actually going through with marrying me, and OW being fine with that and even granted a five day radio silence over my wedding celebration time. Its truly horrible.
But oh, healingjourney, if that woman now came to me now with a heartfelt and authentic apology, outlining exactly what she did and apologizing for every step, and showing me that she had woken up from the fog that could have one woman destroying another woman's life, I would be profoundly moved. I would stop seeing her as a toad, I would be able to see that she has a soul and empathy and self reflection -- and really, that would silence and still the thoughts and the visions I have about how she must have reveled in the experience of destroying my life.
A lot of people here also give VERY good reasons why your apologising at this time, or ever, is not a good idea. I am not saying that they do not have a point. I am only giving my perspective.
Good luck with the enormous amount of work, on so many fronts, that you have in front of you.
Since you're not the OW who destroyed a chunk of my life, I'm capable of viewing you differently, of cheering you on, of offering advice, and of hoping for the best for you. So let me tell you that the only sorry that will help is the collective one I read about here in the Wayward Side. It helps me to heal when I read about your collective struggles here. I'm impressed by the changes remorseful waywards are trying to implement. I see the battles my SLAWH is fighting to make himself a better person. That helps me, overall, to be able to forgive--generically--all those who have cheated and who ARE sorry. It helps me to see my own WH differently. And, someday, it will help me to imagine the OW in my case feels the same way.
Still, I can't imagine wanting contact with her. Ever. Ever! It seems counter-intuitive, perhaps, but your apology would most likely make you feel better and her worse. Making life decisions based on what you wanted to do instead of what was best for another is what brought you here in the first place. Please don't give in to that impulse.
I am sure it is very painful, and I think you need to focus on healing you. I know what my own WH has gone through over the last few years, and you do have my compassion for the road you now have to walk.
What a BS NEEDS is to know that the OP is GONE from their life and is not going to be adding or taking away one single solitary more thing. The best you can do is be ferocious about NC. Do not be emotionally attached to her or her husband or the outcome of her life.
Unless she comes to you - in which case I would say the best thing you can do is just answer any questions honestly and matter of factly. You do not want to be and cannot be part of her healing. If you are in a position to apologize, my advice would be the same as for your own BS. Do not minimize, do not justify, do not blame-shift, take full absolute total responsibility for your actions, acknowledge the devastation, express remorse, say what you are doing to ensure that you are not a person who will ever make this choice again. But really, the chances of either of you saying something to set your healing back 10 years are so great that I can't recommend anything but NC.
The best way any AP can show they are sorry is to stay. away.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
I would discuss this with my BH before reaching out, and it would probably be awhile from now while I focus on trying to help me and my husband,
If you do decide to apologize, please do not wait a while. This person will be working on her own healing. She may be months out, and you contacting her would set her back and may refresh a lot of feelings she's already working through.
If apologizing is something you feel compelled to do, I don't think your timeline should be a factor.
[This message edited by Wodnships at 8:10 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]
Married 6 years. Dating 10. Living together 8.
If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world
- Harry Chapin
"Nothing can come between God and the soul." --Julian of Norwich
But then he could have been Shakespeare and it wouldn't have mattered.
You have nothing to say to the OBS that is useful IMO. Your very existence is better not thought of at all.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I got an apology, and all it did was make me mad and depressed.
Otherwise, just do your best to not exist in her world.
And for that, I wanted justice or an apology. I wanted him to realize how much trauma and damage he had caused. So for me, an apology was extremely important and he finally had the balls to call me one night and apologized sincerely and profusely. I kept my temper in check and really appreciated it very much.
I would suggest writing the OM's wife a heartfelt letter and express yourself as you did in your post. Close the letter stating that she will never hear from you again but leave your phone number and tell her she could call you if she ever chose to do so. I think she would appreciate it.
Leave them in peace.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
The others ignored me or mocked me.
Give her some time and see if she reaches out, then please be truthful and kind to her. She may not appreciate it right then, but it will most likely bring her peace later down the road. I still have so much anger and hatred for the others, but the main one, although not my favorite person, is no longer in my head. I am at peace where she is concerned.
I get the good intention, but keep the NC. It's best for everyone.