To my WH, in his mind, I was an acceptable loss.
I feel "not enough."
I feel ugly.
I feel unworthy of respect.
I feel like a second choice to some inwardly rotten waste of space who doesn't deserve the titles of Woman and Mother.
I feel violated.
I feel terrified.
I feel broken.
I feel stupid.
I'm bleeding today
If so, you have a lot of things to think about to stop the bleeding.
3 Kids, 9, 4 and 1
It's taken me off guard.
I see and feel the pain in your post. You ARE healing.....BECAUSE you are feeling. Find comfort in that.
You are just past a year. The initial shock is wearing off, though I bet you still have moments of disbelief.
You have discovered that the AP was really just a willing body.
You are now starting to realize your husbands decision to chose adultery before lots of other HEALTHY choices was NOT a singular, stand alone destructive choice but a result of a long standing way of "doing life".
It is settling in that your husband has a ton of work to do on himself.....work that he was so NOT driven to do before that he chose adultery over doing even the smallest healthy step such as talking to a pastor or even a solid M-friendly male friend.
You might also be starting to realize just how underinvested your husband was in your pre-A M. ....and just how little you were settling for. Took me about 1.5 years to realize this.....but I have heavy CoD tendencies.
The adultery plus the underinvesting have you LOGICALLY thinking that YOU were a factor in your husbands choices. Sadly, you were not. Had some influence but very little.
This disconnect is occurring because your husbands choices are ILLOGICAL. Coping skills that he uses were developed as a child. They got him through a tough sitch, but much of his logic is "child logic", which is immature at best....and just plain f'ed when it comes to how to interconnect with people.
NOTE: any "connection" he had with OW was surface level at best and most certainly was heavily projected.
You could have been a combination of a Swedish underware model and Margret Thatcher and I would bet my 401k that if you were married to your husband, he would have followed his same path.
Keep the faith. You got this. Your going through hell....keep on going.
God is with us all.
Blakesteele, you are right on, as usual. It helps so much to know others understand just where you are. Your point about the A being a longstanding way of "doing life" resonated with me, it is so true for my WH. Really nothing to do with me at all.
My head knows this, but my heart hasn't caught up yet.
it's just one of those "yes this really happened, this is my reality" times, you know?
Man, can I ever sympathize with this. I had one of those days yesterday-- It just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I only felt worse about it the more my WBF tried to help. He kept asking what he could do, and finally, the best I could do to break it down for him was "I just don't want this to be my life."
It's so hard when those times hit, but you've got to ride it out. It won't last forever, it can't. The truth of it will, sure, but not that sharp, intense, unreal pain that you're fighting against now.
As ever, it seems that BlakeSteele has some excellent words of wisdom to offer-- I'll be re-reading that response for a while, myself, I think.
"Dum spiro, spero." - "While I breathe, I hope."
The cure to all of life's problems is salt water; Sweat, tears, or the Sea.
The longest journey a man will ever go on is the one between his heart and his mind.
During many of our childhoods there was something that came between our hearts and minds. It is almost always a heart wound. Wife experienced this...as did I.
We then chose to wall off our hearts and live almost exclusively in our minds. Emotional and spiritual growth was stunted and/or stopped completely.
NOW....we are faced with the choice to continue to accept this way of life and the harvests associated with it....or we can lower the walls and change.
Lowering the walls is hard. We are doing it but as we do we not only see the wounds we pretended weren't there....we also see just how immature and weak we actually are with regards to emotional and spiritual components of our character.
We have hope that we can grow and strengthen this....but it hurts to do so.
Our familiar coping mechs that kept pain hidden from our lives are no more....so the pain is intense!
But this CAN be done. It is what we are called to do.
God is with us all.