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Newest Member: Remember (46025)

User Topic: I tore both of our hearts out
Lostinmyownhead
♂ 44545
Member # 44545
Stop  Posted: 8:05 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, it's been a little over a week since Dday for a aw and I. Every day, we've been having long, deep, in-depth and sometimes painful conversations. And I think they've been helping both of us. But I know she's been having a rough time. She's unsure about reconciling, and hasn't really spoken to anyone about the A. Mostly because if we are able to salvage things, she doesn't want her family to loathe and despise me, which they would and damn sure should. Last night, she was finally able to start expressing how she's feeling.

She's hurting. Oh my god, she is HURTING. she feels our entire relationship is a sham, that despite her feelings for me still, we're barely co-existing. That she can't feel joy about our newborns because when she thinks of them, she thinks of catching me in my OA. She is lost, and torn apart, and she can't escape it. Ever.

And I have to deal with it. How do I strike a balance? I don't want to make it all about me. I KNEW when I asked how she felt that I wouldn't like a single part of it. But I TRULY want to be there for her. I want to support her. Even if we can't move past this, I want her to feel more whole. But how do I process not just the knowledge of how I hurt her, but the feeling that I've actually destroyed part of her capacity to take joy in the world, and especially in our children? I need to support her, but this is...it's a gut-punch emotionally that I just don't know how to handle. I'm trying to process what she told me, trying to feel what she feels. But how do I do it and keep it about her?

I feel lost today. I'm in pain, and I deserve to hurt, but how do I know if I'm hurting for the right reason? How do I differentiate between my pain at what I've done to her, and understanding her pain because of my choices?


Posts: 165 | Registered: Aug 2014
somethingremorse
♂ 42047
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry that you joined our ranks, but I am glad that you found this place. This community has helped me, and I hope it will help you, too.

Read around the site. The Healing Library is a great start. "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" is a great book to start with. I read "After the Affair" early on, too. If you have the means, get into counseling.

if we are able to salvage things, she doesn't want her family to loathe and despise me, which they would and damn sure should

Try not to worry about those things down the road. Don't generalize. My BW says that she would have told anyone in her place to leave the cheater. But when she was in the middle of our individual lives, she looked at things differently. Sure, those things are all going to be considerations. But your response is the first thing that she is going to consider.

Hang in there.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 815 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
PenitentMan
♂ 43174
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if we can't move past this

This implies wrapping it all up into a tidy resolved package that becomes, at some point, firmly in the past and you don't have to worry about it any more, right? Wrong.

Because it never goes away. Ever. In time, you'll see that. For me, I'm hoping we can find happiness and joy again and she says she's forgiven me, but even if she has, there will always always be reminders. I was watching the simpsons last night with my son. Good lord I didn't realize how many episodes there are where Homer messes up and Marge says "I'm done". I'm like, can we change the channel?

Time will help you with the differentiation you seek. Lots of time. The best advice I can give you is to spend lots of time here reading. There's a ton of people here in the same situation and the advice you seek has already been given out over and over and over. While you're reading make a note of the books that are recommended and check into getting some of them. As somethingremorse just said, the first book you should get, if you get no others, is "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". Look for it on amazon. That book, and this forum, will help prevent you from making a lot of common mistakes people make early on.

The healing library link in the yellow section in the top left of this page also has some good articles in them. Read them. Don't skim.

You are now on what we call the rollercoaster. You will have good days. You will have bad days. Ups and downs. Holidays, special days, birthdays, anniversary?, they're all changed now.

There's no quick fix, and you should consider Individual Counseling (IC) for yourself and Marriage Counseling (MC) for both of you.

When you're alone with your thoughts and it really hits you what you did, it will literally make you
feel like shit. But feeling sorry for yourself constantly, doesn't help your spouse. Nor does smothering her. If she stays, there will be times when she needs you to hold her, or talk to her. And there will be times when she wants nothing to do with you and you sleep elsewhere that night. Either way, you do what she needs and you follow her cues. Get comfortable being uncomfortable as we say around here.

Welcome to SI.


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)

Posts: 503 | Registered: Apr 2014
Lostinmyownhead
♂ 44545
Member # 44545
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies. It sucks hard to know we're all out here in similar situations, but I feel better knowing it's not just me.

I think the hardest thing right now is finding the balance between finding empathy for BW's feelings, and turning it into self-pity and expecting someone to tell me "aww, you'll be ok, don't worry." It's a strange sensation. Not just trying to feel what she feels, but trying to find a way to feel it, to know that hurt, and somehow embrace it without making it matter what I feel.

I've actually just started IC last week. I had a good rapport with my C, but we'll have to see if it's actually beneficial, or if I need to find a different therapist. And thanks for the book suggestion. Although BW and I have been having some good conversations, and I do have a grasp on what I need to do to help her heal (and a lesser idea of how to help myself), I'm still struggling with doing it the right way.


Posts: 165 | Registered: Aug 2014
somethingremorse
♂ 42047
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the hardest thing right now is finding the balance between finding empathy for BW's feelings, and turning it into self-pity and expecting someone to tell me "aww, you'll be ok, don't worry." It's a strange sensation. Not just trying to feel what she feels, but trying to find a way to feel it, to know that hurt, and somehow embrace it without making it matter what I feel.

This is very true. She feels worse than awful. You also feel awful. That is an ongoing balance.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 815 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Lostinmyownhead
♂ 44545
Member # 44545
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to talk with BW about it tonight. Will I be able to express myself in a way that doesn't make it all about me? I have no clue. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure I know how to. But luckily, we've been communicating very well, if tensely lately. She's been very open and honest about seeing that there are areas where I'm making an effort, but letting me know that that effort isn't enough yet.

I kind of worry about that. When she told me how she felt yesterday, I know what I should've done; I should've given her a huge hug and comforted her. But instead, I was just stunned by her words. It wasn't a secret that she was hurting, and she'd even said small pieces of this already. This was the first time she explicitly lay her feelings and hurt out there, and I took it like a deer in headlights. Right now, intentions don't mean much to her. I didn't INTEND to go cheat on her online and endanger our marriage, but I ended up doing to anyway. I worry that she'll see my efforts and my good intentions and find them lacking.

I think I'm rambling a bit. Psyching myself up (or out?) for a painful conversation later. Am I strange for finding it so much easier to explain the things that are frightening the holy hell out of me to well-intentioned strangers on a message board than my own wife? No need for anyone to answer that; it's mostly rhetorical. The easy ways are tempting because they're easy. I've been down that road, and it got me here.


Posts: 165 | Registered: Aug 2014
Topic Posts: 6

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