I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this post. Maybe someone who has, like me, only found out SI (or any other site dealing with cheating) after the relationship with the cheater had already ended. I feel... frustrated, angry, robbed, stupid,..., for not having been able to use the help of this great community and its tools to help me deal with it all while I was in the relationship or at least still in contact with the WXGF.
I found SI only around 3 years after my WXGf broke up with me, and for most of the duration of relationship after the cheating (we stayed together for a year and a half after she told me she cheated) I, in hindsight, rugswept the cheating and I suppressed my anger, distrust etc.
It was the same after the break-up, I didn't really deal with the cheating until one day I discovered the sites dealing with cheating&infidelity, SI included. And it was very eye-openning.
After I started reading and thinking about the past&everything, it's like a Pandora's box opened. Since then (and it's been around a year since I've visited SI), I've been struggling with anger, feelings of betrayal, feeling stupid for believing her story, for trying to stay with her and reconcile (she eventually left me to try things with AP, so probably they never stopped), for not standing up for myself to her after the A.
I have gone NC with her a long time ago, told her to never again contact me and that I'll pretend I don't know her if I'll run into her ever again.
For a long time, I tried therapy (and uncovered a lot of things regarding the relationship, my parents&my growing up,...) and I think I've grown/matured considerably. I read many books, including No more mr Nice Guy, Toxic parents. I've been screaming often to let out my frustrations, anger etc. I used to write letters to her, cursing her etc., and never sending them.
I am lost. I don't know what else to do to heal. It's been 4 years since she broke up with me. It's been more than a year since I've started frequenting around sites like SI. It's been almost two years of therapy. I feel somewhat better, but I still can't seem to stop thinking about her cheating every single day, of feeling stupid, betrayed, ..., every day. I feel permanently changed by this, and I'm scared of what my future will be like if I still can't shake my feelings of rage, disgust, distrust.
And I wish so so dearly that I had the chance to know of SI when I was still in a relationship with her, so I could have dumped her immediately and cut all ties with her. Maybe that would give me some measure of satisfaction and feeling of justice. Now I feel there's none for me. I can't seem to find closure. I keep reading stories about betrayed husbands or boyfriends, and I'm trying to "enjoy" when they get closure, when they dump them etc. I'm living vicariously through them, I guess:)
I never got a true, really remorseful apology from her. No common friend took my side and ditched her, all remained common friends, until I decided to cut them out of my life. She used me for support etc. to get better herself, and now I still feel like a shell despite doing almost all I can think of to get better, except jumping in a rebound relationship (I don't want to hurt anyone, and everyone gets scared off when I warn them of my messedupeness).
So I don't know. How do you deal knowing you never yelled at them for cheating on you, never pouring out your anger at them for betraying you, never getting the slightest feeling of justice/karma? Does anyone have any advice for me? I would appreciate it greatly, but even if all you have is a e-hug for me, I am deeply grateful.
I wish all of you all the best, and thanks again for taking the time to read this.