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Lifetime of work

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somethingremorse posted 8/20/2014 12:52 PM

I read Rec sometimes. Usually just skimming for posts from members I value, or something that sounds like it directly applies. Over the weekend was a looooong thread that hit a nerve. I am not at all able to add anything to that discussion, but wanted to bring it up in this forum.

The thread was talking about a WH who let his boundaries slip. And when confronted, he didn't seem to get the severity of the actions. Obviously, this post was from the perspective of the BW, so it might not tell the whole story.

For me, this is so scary. BW and I just graduated from MC. I am going to my last scheduled IC this afternoon. I tried to reduce my AD, but quickly went back to a higher dose when I felt my thinking start to slip. DDay antiversary is coming up the beginning of November.

I tell BW and my Cs that keeping myself "right" is going to be lifelong work. I understand that. But damn, what if I cannot keep it up?

I absolutely do not want to go back to who I was before. This truly comes from my heart and soul. But I never wanted to be a cheater and liar in the first place. But I still did it. I came so close to losing everything I love. I know that now, and never want to jeopardize that again. But again, I knew that before.

I think I am creating good behaviors now. Over vacation, I said something that my BW objected to in a way that made me feel childish. We talked about it immediately. That sort of thing is getting easier and easier to do. But I know that it would be easier to not do it. Then resentment and misunderstanding would build up. And I'd be back to the bad place.

I do catch myself before I start any sort of conversation with the opposite sex. Just "innocent" stuff like saying something funny to a waitress, or commenting to someone at the beach. I have the mental checklist that says "what would you gain by engaging this person." I find myself not making those comments, where I used to do it all of the time. But again, a lot of times I find I have something "in the chamber" that I would have said if I didn't stop myself.

I know this is sort of stream of consciousness, almost journaling. I am committed to continuing to be open and check up with my BW. But I almost feel like we should put a calendar reminder each month to check on my behavior. Maybe each week. Is there any secret, or any tips to staying on the right path?

RMarred posted 8/20/2014 13:16 PM

You're becoming one of those whom I love to read the posts of, rather quickly, you know that?

I adore the "mental checklist" and asking yourself "what would you gain by engaging this person?". Just reading this entire post, well... I want to get where you are.

I am sorry if that's not really helpful or answering of your question... but damn if it's not highly inspirational. I "get" what you write here, and I can only hope that I can soon demonstrate that I too get it myself this way.

[This message edited by RMarred at 1:18 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]

somethingremorse posted 8/20/2014 13:19 PM

Glad that I can pay forward what so many have helped me.

Did I just t/j my own thread?

RMarred posted 8/21/2014 10:18 AM

I dunno... what's it mean to t/j?

healingjourney posted 8/21/2014 10:22 AM

R Marred, T/J = thread jack. When you comment on a thread and kinda change the subject.

Neznayou posted 8/21/2014 10:57 AM

They are definitely lifetime changes that are being made. My hope is that they become habits and the constant checklist awareness lessens a little over time. This is a very loose analogy, so don't pick at it too much... It's kind of like driving a stick shift. When you learn how to drive a stick, it can seem a little daunting... push the clutch, turn the key, put it in first, let off the clutch while pressing the accelerator, listen for the engine to tell you when to shift up or down (don't forget the clutch)... Anyway, you get the idea... As for me, I now must be aware of interactions, attitudes, motivations, expressions, focus, boundaries, etc, etc, each and every day. I have to think about how I am in the world and, more importantly, how I am in my relationship with myself and with my Husband. As these healthier habits develop, my assumption is that the need for the checklist will lessen. After I get to the point where I don't need the checklist, if I ever find myself slipping, I'll pull out the checklist again.

caspers1wish posted 8/21/2014 16:08 PM

You know, we all have constant work to do on ourselves, no matter what hat we wear, WS or BS. And some days will be easier than others. For me, the journey never ends. I'm not perfect and I'm not striving to be perfect. It's more about accepting my failures and they are just apart of me as my successes. We will face constant challenges and choices along this path. I can only strive to hope that I choose the right path through the rest of this life that promotes healing and peace. Knowing and expecting troubled waters lay ahead keeps me mindful of the path I want to choose.

Good luck.

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