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PenitentMan posted 8/20/2014 13:02 PM

Having a hard time taking my own advice. BW has being talking alot about getting a motorcycle lately. We just had a conversation that went something like this:

Me: Were you serious about getting a motorcycle?
Her: Yeah, pretty much
Me: Well, maybe I can get one too, or like our son says, with a sidecar on one. And then we can go riding together?
Her: *sneering*
Me: Or do you not like that idea? Was this motorcycle something you felt you needed to do by yourself?
Her: Yeah, pretty much

I wouldn't mind riding again. I wouldn't mind taking our son out just him and I. And I think it would be fun/healing for us all to go out as a family.

But now what do I do, aside from staring at the floor defeated and shrinking off quietly into the darkness. Just another shitty consequence of my choices - her going off and doing whatever she wants regardless of what I think of it or whether I'd even want to participate.

I'm putting the stop sign on because I already know that this is just a tiny fraction of what I deserve. Once you nuke your life, if you even survive, all you have to look forward to is a long lingering death from all the fallout. I know people successfully reconcile, and its only been 4 months for us, but man, that life of reckless behavior seems like forever ago. It feels like no amount of remorse or authentic honest living is ever going to translate into any affection from her.

I'm all for her getting a motorcycle and me not getting one, if it makes her feel better. But I can't help but feel disappointed. And disappointment leads to sadness. And sadness leads to depression. Even sitting here, trying not to be disappointed or sad or depressed, is depressing itself, when the weight of it all comes crushing back down.

I keep thinking of what BW said to me around DDay. If I were dead things would be a lot easier. Not that she wishes I were dead, just that if it *did* happen, it would take care of a lot of things.

Just feeling down right now. That is all.

RMarred posted 8/20/2014 13:05 PM

My gosh, S.H... I feel you. Do not feel alone, please. You said right in your post everything that needed to be said. I so sincerely wish I could say more than "hang in there", but time will tell, and hopefully time will heal.


PenitentMan posted 8/20/2014 13:19 PM

her going off and doing whatever she wants regardless of what I think of it or whether I'd even want to participate.

Don't worry BS's, I'll put words in your mouths:
"Did you stop to consider whether she wanted to participate when *You* went off and did whatever you wanted?"

No, I didn't. My dad always used to say "Two wrongs don't make a right". Not that she's wrong about not wanting to ride with me. Or even do anything fun with me. And I don't deserve to be unloved the rest of my life. For a certain amount of time, sure, but not forever. And nobody knows how long that is except for me. And whenever I can't deal with it anymore, there's the door. Except that I feel like I deserve a lifetime of punishment and pain and wrath and sadness and depression.

I didn't realize how much I feed off her state of mind. Had she said "Sure, you can get one. I agree". I'd be in a good mood right now and celebrating a win. So I can't forget that there can be wins too. I just need to sit and wait for the soul crushing feelings to pass and not go all out on the self-pity party.

Deep breathing. Mindfulness. Raking my zen garden. Theta wave relaxation music. Perhaps a hot shower later. I can spend the rest of my life miserable or I can not let it get to me. It's only a motorcycle. Right? She's still living with me, so all is not lost.

PenitentMan posted 8/20/2014 13:21 PM

At least not yet...

healingjourney posted 8/20/2014 13:51 PM

SH, I totally understand how you're feeling. My BH is now doing lots of things without me. I am just accepting that he needs his space for now, and likely for the foreseeable future. I think you handled the situation really well here.

PenitentMan posted 8/20/2014 14:00 PM

Thanks guys. Feeling better now. I guess if she does get one without me, I can always mention it at a later date "You know, I really think it would be fun/therapeutic if we all ride together. Maybe you'll change your mind about me getting my own?"

Minds can be changed, and nothing is written in stone.

tired girl posted 8/20/2014 14:25 PM


Let me ask you something, and I am being serious here, not sarcastic. Do you have a problem with not having instant gratification?

And yes, you do very much feed off of her. So what are you doing about that?

NewWorldMan posted 8/20/2014 14:47 PM

I haven't read all your posts SH, so forgive me for not knowing the history.

I don't see why you can't get a motorcycle too. Why does your getting a motorcycle have to be contingent on her approval? If she decides she wants one, it's ok for her to get one. Doesn't seem to matter what you think.

Sounds like a double standard to me.

PenitentMan posted 8/20/2014 15:28 PM

That's a good question TG. I'm doing nothing, and hoping it goes away? Seriously though, I guess I'm increasingly aware it's happening, which is a good thing, and each time it happens it doesn't take me quite as much time to realize it and stop it. So, that's good, I think...

If, outtamymind, I went and got a motorcycle anyway.... That's a major purchase, which I've never done without consulting her. She can be very stubborn. I'm not going to tell her she can't get one if I can't get one, because she would do it anyway. If I went and did it anyway and the roles were reversed, I don't know what she'd do, but she'd be pissed.

There's some battles worth fighting and some that aren't. And now that I created this situation I have even less footing here. An acquaintance from abroad is coming into town and wants to meet me up in a nearby city. I asked BW if it was OK. Yes, I'm an adult and could do it anyway, but if she had a problem with it, given our situation now, then I wouldn't go. Her happiness and healing is more important to me than meeting this acquaintance or getting a motorcycle, so I'm going to bend over backwards to adhere to her wishes.

I mean, if it was something important, then I might stand up for myself, but I think neither of these are worth a confrontation about. (She doesn't mind if I do the meetup, by the way. She's also been talking about taking a vacation by herself for a couple of days to go sit on the beach in florida and sip martinis alone or whatever. If that happens I will hold down the fort And Think Happy Thoughts the whole time!

PenitentMan posted 8/20/2014 15:30 PM

And no, I don't have a problem not getting instant gratification nor do I mind the question. You've asked some hard questions of me in the past TG and they've made me do some serious thinking. I both admire and appreciate your questions and insights.

tired girl posted 8/20/2014 15:35 PM

Well, it isn't going to go away by itself. You are going to have to do some digging as to why you are so tied into her feelings. What is going on with that? Are you able to maintain your own feeling of happiness or well being even when she says or does something that feels like rejection to you? It seems to center on that for you.

PenitentMan posted 8/20/2014 15:41 PM

You're right, I do have a hard time handling rejection, generally speaking. Sometimes I don't let her moods or what she says get to me, and then other times I get depressed. I'm not used to her doing things by herself either, so that's a major adjustment for me.

Aubrie posted 8/20/2014 15:44 PM

I don't let her moods or what she says get to me
That means you aren't absorbing what she's trying to get thru to you. You are listening, but you aren't *hearing*. There is a diff SH.

tired girl posted 8/20/2014 15:46 PM

I'm not used to her doing things by herself either, so that's a major adjustment for me.

What worries you about this?

PenitentMan posted 8/20/2014 16:03 PM

Oh great, Aubrie is here. More hard questions

I'm talking about bad moods, or PMS, or whatever, and things that aren't my fault. Of course, now bad moods, PMS, or whatever, are her expressing her pain. But prior to that there have been times where she's gone off on me about something and then apologized later for it. So, I hear what you're saying. I'm not upset, or angry, or irritated, or anything about the whole motorcycle conversation, just sad, really. I guess I feel like in order to improve the relationship we need to spend more time together, but she needs her space.

What worries me about all this time spent apart, is that she's going to like it so much she may decide she's better off just being single. She's regretted not dating other people before me. So I'm torn between trying to hold on to her and trying to let her go. I know, I know, if you love someone set them free. Well, I'm not standing in her way of anything, but that doesn't mean I'm thrilled with it. And she's said she's not interested in meeting anyone on this proposed trip, she's just looking to be out on her own for a bit and do something independently that she's never done. So I can dig that, I guess.

Man, I didn't realize I had so many issues.

PenitentMan posted 8/20/2014 16:05 PM

she's not interested in meeting anyone on this proposed trip

What I mean by this, is that I already expressed my concern that she would, and that was her response. It's not like she's interested in meeting anyone when *not* on this trip either. As far as I know.

Just wanted to clarify..

NewWorldMan posted 8/20/2014 16:18 PM

I think you're missing my point. I'm not saying to not tell her. Like you said, a motorcycle is a major purchase. With a major purchase, there should be a discussion about finances and your ability to afford it.

It seems to me that her decision is final without discussion. You'd have to clear it by her, but she doesn't need your approval?

That's the double standard I'm talking about.

PenitentMan posted 8/20/2014 16:39 PM

Well, we can afford it, and she's working. She doesn't earn a whole lot, but whatever, it goes into our joint bank account. I see what you're saying though, and I suppose if I had a major objection to it financially we'd discuss it. She already said she wanted a new car which I said OK to, but then she agreed it wasn't necessary. So I guess she feels the bike would also be OK.

On D-Day, and at the risk of TMI, she cleaned out a large portion of that joint bank account into an account in her name only, for her security or whatever. I'm not even a beneficiary. I know if we divorce I'm entitled to half of it. And we talked about it. But she still hasn't returned things to how they were. She argues that if anything happened to my job, since I'm a partial owner, they could come after me for money, but not her. So she thinks it makes sense that she still controls it. And if anything ever happened to her, the money currently would go to her mom. So, whatever, if that's how it is, that's how it is. The same for the bike.

I created this situation. She has to trust that I'm wayward no longer and I have to trust her sole ownership of our money. Maybe in a year or two, I'll ask her to at least put my name back on it as a beneficiary.

tired girl posted 8/20/2014 18:32 PM

First off if she took over half the money, that needs to be discussed. Second, the bike thing should be dropped. She has asked to do this on her own, let her.

So the problem with her spending time by herself is that you are worried she is going to like it so much she won't want you around anymore? You need to spend some serious time working on this thought process. There really is nothing you can do about this is there? And when you have an attitude about it every time she goes instead of being genuinely ok with it, she is going to have more of an issue with you. YOU cannot affect this. YOU can however learn to be ok by yourself, and that will show growth on your part. Let go. Honestly, that is the single biggest thing that I learned how to do and do well after I came here as a wayward. I learned how to do it genuinely.

Find some books on it and learn how to do it and why it is hard for YOU. YOU have some work to do.

RegretfullyMe posted 8/20/2014 20:05 PM

I don't know, what worries me is that (correct me if I'm wrong) it sounds like it's not that far from "business as usual" for her to be making major financial decisions on her own that you would not be allowed to make. That doesn't really come across as sounding like you had a very equal spot to begin with.

I think that if a woman on this site said that her husband was withholding half their savings from her four months after D Day was done, had made arrangements for the money to go to his mother if something happened to him, and was making these kind of one-sided major purchases...we'd i'll be seeing that his feelings were understandable but that the actions were not.

I don't want to stamp on the contrition guideline, and I do believe you have to sacrifice to prove that you can be worth loving again, but this sounds like she is mistaking total and unequivocal control for a way towards repair of the relationship. Understandable, but ultimately unhealthy.

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