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Today was a very hard day. I spent most of the day crying and praying as I begged God to restore my marriage. This in between cutting firewood.
My beloved wife stayed inside all day on her Kindle reading biker romance novel as always.
I left my phone on the table as always so she could look at it as I am being as completely transparent as I know.
on my phone was a recording of my mother degrading and belittling my wife from when I was in the midst of my affair. At the time I made it I guess I was looking for justification to leave my wife.i guess its called the fog.
So as i was outside putting up the animals (have a small hobby farm) she came out all pissed off with good reason. She had listened to the recording.
At this point I'm pretty sure my marriage and any chance of reconciliation is over.
I don't deserve her and she sure in hell don't deserve what hell I've put her through.
I've completely fucked up my life the life of my kids and my poor heartbroken wife.
I don't know why I even had the rrecording on my phone still the only thing I can think of is that maybe I had it to deal with problems of my mother disrespecting my wife which has been a long time problem.
The funny thing is is that even though she left I am not that upset or even worried. I sort of have a peace which I don't understand. Maybe cause I've been praying all day for reconciliation and strength.
I don't know.
Since d day I've done a lot of reflecting on my life and why I do what I do in it.
I know that I have multiple issues from my adoption and I have had problems through my life because of that and the conditional love I received from my parents. That in conjunction with severe bullying through the 8th grade in a Christian school.
from all the studying I've done I've begun to conclude that I'm unable to form intimate relationships due to a fear of rejection and will attempt to self destruct it before I'm hurt.
after my wife left I called my parents and told them that my relationship with them was toxic to my marriage my wife and me.
that was difficult at best but even harder was telling my 75 y old parents that I could no longer have anything to do with them.
and funny thing is I ok with that too...
not to sure what's gonna happen next but ...
I still love my wife with all my heart and soul and hope for a restoration in my marriage.
I just don't think that will ever happen now.

Hi Broken Dreams...I'm so sorry it was such a hard day for you. IMHO, you've already done the most important thing you could do, and that was to pray. That had to be hard telling your parents what you told them, however I think that probably sent a strong message to your wife about how much you love her & desire R. Have you done any IC for the adoption issues?

My thoughts and prayers are with you & your wife. I hope everything works out for the best for all involved. Hang in there.....

She hasn't returned home yet
I text her and told her what I did
I also told her that if she wanted me to I would sleep out in the camper this also in a text.
As she was leaving I started to try to explain my actions but in her rage she said she didn't want to talk to me which to me seems to be the pattern I think it's called stonewalling. She says she wants to work on saving the marriage (at least before tonight) but mostly refuses to talk with me about anything to do with our marriage.
I don't understand this.
I love her and always will but I'm not sure she is willing to put forth the effort to save our marriage.
I can't say I blame her as there has been mostly bad with very little good.
And my cheating only put the nails in the coffin.
I guess it's what I deserve.
Now I feel bad for my kids because they will suffer from the fallout of my bad decisions of having an affair.
I feel so sad for my darling wife as she never asked to have her heart and soul ripped from her chest.
I guess from all the studying I've done that if she only chooses to hold onto the pain and regret and resentment than she will never heal either and I did that to her.
I don't know what to do anymore.
We have our second marriage counseling appt tomorrow but I doubt she'll go

brokendreams01

Focus like you have never ever focused before on anything, and keep up all of the positive things and attitudes that you have been using. You have nothing to lose by being brave and walking right into the storm of her hurt and anger and not flinching. You already did a pretty amazing thing, and that is to confront your parent issues. Now you have made the declaration that your wife is more important, and that is potentially pretty powerful stuff. Its not about you feeling desperate, it is about you digging deep and proving the change in yourself that comes from valuing her and your kids and your marriage above all else. I hope that prayer can calm your fear and give you courage.

If she is only going to hold on to resentment bitterness regret and pain she will never heal will she.
and I guess she's never gonna trust me with her heart again will she.
if she won't talk to me except in front of the counseler I will never be able to help hher heal will I.

well I guess that's it I just talked to my betrayed wifeshe just told me that she is ending it she no longer wants to work on it she does not want to go to marriage counseling and wants me out of the house and is going to file for divorce
I don't know what I'm going to do and my heart is absolutely broken I really think I just might want to end my own life now because without her my family and my children I just lost everything and I'm the one that caused it so maybe this would be one last selfish act but after that that pain will subside in time for everyone around me

I see no point in trying to go on

Brokendreams - you have kids? How old?

I have a 29 year old step son and an 11 year old son and a 12 year old son

There is your reason mate...I know you are hurting bad right now, but those boys need a healthy dad.

I'm so completely fucked up and have nowhere to go.
I have no money and a very limited income.
My wife and kids were the only thing I ever cared about.
I have completely destroyed that by my selfish cheating lying behavior.
There's nothing left so one more selfish act my kids will be hurt but I think in time they will be able the to move past this.
I will write them a letter to let them know that I loved them and I tried my hardest to keep it together but I cannot handle it anymore.

I know what she said and that it seems like the end. But this setback just happened yesterday. Give her some time to cool off.

I told my WH we were done many, many times. When I said it, I actually meant it, but it was because I was so hurt. So scared of what was going to happen. By the next day or so, I had put the moving boxes back up into the garage. Please, please don't do anything desperate. Give this some time. Your children deserve both parents!

It's not over yet...

Please stop! Your children won't blame you if you do this, they will blame THEMSELVES! Call a support hotline, now! Please.

Mate,

Call this number first. 1-800-273-TALK (8255). I'm not a trained professional, but those folks are.

I know my former wife. When she makes a decision especially one of this magnatuide she does not change her mind. Even if she decided later that she was wrong she will stick to the original decision out of principal.
I have no one else to blame for my actions and the consequences of them.
I am tired of hurting everyone and everything else around me.

Then stop hurting them. Call the hotline number and get some help. Then each day, get up and keep trying. YOU can do this!

Listen, I am a been there, done that, suicidal thinker a couple times in my life. But here's the thing, when I look back on when I thought all was lost, I didn't know what was going to happen in the future. I thought I knew every day was going to be full of nothingness and heartache, but I was wrong. In fact the problems that I thought were worth ending it all were not as bad as I thought. I was just in a tailspin of depression and exaggerating everything.

So I have a new approach when I feel like there's nothing left to live for. Wait one year and make sure that I'm absolutely correct. Why not? What's one more year? So far it barely takes a few weeks before I realize I was out of my mind crazy when I was considering suicide. Please try that. Just wait and see. Verify you're making the right decision. Give yourself some time to be right about this big decision, you deserve it!
((((brokendreams01))))

[This message edited by familyfirst at 10:40 AM, August 21st (Thursday)]

And if a year sounds too daunting, start with one day. Then a week. Then another week. You still have one dream that you can make come true - you can become healthy and be a great dad to those boys. That's worth a phone call to the hotline in my opinion.

I hurt so bad deep inside my soul right now and everything in my world that I care about has been ripped away from me.
I THE ONE WHO RIPPED IT ALL APART
how am I supposed to go on knowing that I completely and utterly destroyed not just my kids but my darling wife too.
for what
how can I continue this path of demolishing everything around me and act like every thing is going to be OK when I know it's not
when I know that I did this
I did this
it has to stop and I need to put an end to it for good.

call the hotline, now!

please do not do this to your children.