Conversely I bring new stuff into the house very cautiously because I know more stuff adds more stress and more clutter.
Anyway, this isn't to beat up on her. It's just interesting. Also interesting that I didn't notice very much. One of the nicest things about my sister and I getting a place was that we are both minimalist and we were able to keep the junk waaaaay down.
(Again, this is not to shame anyone or say that liking stuff is bad.. it's just not my style. I will admit that I like useful things and especially useful electronic things and if I had infinite money I'd probably turn my place into something resembling a space ship. A tasteful, minimalist, fully automated space ship.)
[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 12:53 AM, August 21st (Thursday)]
I edit often because my tablet is possessed!
I'm glad you're happy with your living arrangements, but your environment would probably be considered sterile and uninviting to a lot of people...
Live and let live, and watch the labels.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
All I've ever wanted was a place I could feel okay having people over. Never had that growing up or in my marriage.
Everyone definitely has their own style, comfort level but there are extremes to everything.
At the first court hearing for temporary orders, I brought pictures. I asked for a dumpster, the looks from the mediator and judge were actually quite humorous. I may have been the first person to be awarded a dumpster during a divorce.
We filled it, the great big one that you see on construction sites. It was nothing of value to anyone. Just debris that he had acquired, honestly just garbage, old sofas, ripped and dirty, odd pieces of wood, rotted, I don't even know what else, just junk.
x didn't say one word about the request just agreed immediately, I think he was embarrassed for anyone to see the pictures. He loved to watch the show hoarders and criticize the people that lived that way. I would just look at him and be dumbfounded. Of course I could never mention it and if I ever complained, I would have paid the price.
Now when I come home and see my yard, I smile, I no longer feel ashamed.
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie
She recently had surgery on her foot and we had to help her get in the house. It was extremely difficult. A hospital bed had been set up on the ground floor and a wheelchair provided. She can't use the chair because there isn't enough floor surface to be able to move in it. And she has a walker but that too is very difficult. We are hoping the physical therapists will recommend some help for this problem she's developed. As her friends it's hard to know what to do for her. We care about her and don't want to insult her. We're just damn worried about her.
Ex was a hoarder. I had to rent a dumpster this summer and I filled it. He took the stuff he wanted and left the rest for me to deal with. And the cost. I should have been thinking and dealt with it during the divorce process so he would have had to at least paid 1/2. I asked him this summer what I'm supposed to do with all this crap? He said "I don't care." His attitude towards life..........Or "I don't know." There was so much shit in that garage if baffled my mind. Guess I had gotten used to it as well after all those years (even though I didn't like the stuff he kept holding onto) I dealt with in my mind because he was my husband.
And a garage. FINALLY. 9 years together and I've never had the use of one.
One time he came home with a green tank of some kind of gas. He'd found it on the side of the road. It looked like a propane tank, but it wasn't marked in any way. I was flabergasted. What if it was a poison of some kind?? He kept it. He even moved it across country when we moved from NY to AZ. He probably still has it.
He'd bring home large springs, screw drivers, wheels of all kinds. He'd just put them in the garage. You couldn't MOVE in there let alone get a car in. But it was his 'thing' and it wasn't worth arguing over.
Now, he had an acquaintance who was a hoarder. He was an older man who had never married and lived for years with his mother. The mother died some years ago, and when he was ready to move into senior living, he asked the X to help. He had TV guides (as well as other magazines) going back to the 1950s! He still had all of his mother's clothing, including her underwear. His car was full of old newspapers with just enough room for him to get into the driver seat. He was a HOARDER
She'd keep every single catalog we received in the mail. When I started to throw them away before she saw them, she started making sure she'd get to the mailbox before I did. When I complained about the clutter, she added several junk mail "organizers" to the list of junk she bought from Target. Never used them, though. When you'd open a cabinet in the kitchen or the living room, junk mail would spill out onto the floor. She belonged to some newsgroup online called "The Fly Lady," who apparently cured clutter in many households. I think that's where the junk-mail organizer idea came from.
She wasn't bad about money, really. It was just endless clutter. Even though her mother was a difficult person, I'd look forward to their visits because it was the only time of the year she'd do something about the clutter. And if I tried (my solution was to throw everything out), she'd get really pissed off.
Divorce was tough, though. She did have her good points. The only really great moment in the divorce process was, one month after it was final, when I took all the clutter and put it in the garage. I stacked half of our large garage eight feet high, solid with junk. And she took it all away in a U-Haul. That felt good.
My son tells me they had boxes stacked through the entire living room and dining room for about a month. Then she threw almost all of it away. Go figure.
Now, he had an acquaintance who was a hoarder. He was an older man who had never married and lived for years with his mother. The mother died some years ago, and when he was ready to move into senior living, he asked the X to help. He had TV guides (as well as other magazines) going back to the 1950s! He still had all of his mother's clothing, including her underwear.
Had a similar situation. XPOS's uncle. Never married, lived with his parents until they passed then it was just him and his sister (also never married). Then she passed. Then he passed. The family had been in that home for about 50 years. DS and I ended up being the ones to clean it out - four floors of 50 years worth of hoarding. Magazines, phone books, old bills, you name it going back to the 50s. Nothing was thrown away. I spent weeks sitting at a shredder. The uncle did not touch a thing after his parents passed, including clothing down to underwear. DS and I spent an entire summer cleaning the place out getting it ready to sell. That made me realize even more how much I hate "stuff" overload.
I do think that it's a bit soon to be saying that my space is sterile and uninviting (especially without knowing what it looks like...) because this is the first place I've been totally in charge of for about a decade and I just moved in a month ago starting with almost no stuff, just what I could carry in the car. And no, I'm not perfect. I am prone to being cluttered myself if my mood gets low or I get really stressed out. But I'm trying to see what I can do with a fresh start. I just don't want it to get away from me, so I'm being really careful about making changes before I figure out how to organize what I have.
I think adding furniture and decorations is always fine as long as there's space for it. And places to put things / organization.
Hmmm... being brutally honest with myself, I will say that I tend to collect lots of pieces of paper because they don't take much physical space and I'm never quite sure what I'll need in the future. I think with a decent filing system that's okay. I do periodically go through and purge stuff I no longer need. I also keep a lot of old computer files/photos, but those are fully digital and don't take up much space and are easily organized by date. I do understand that items can be very hard to discard, either for practical or nostalgic reasons. When I and XW ran out of money a few years ago we ended up bailing and going to live with in laws for a few months and I was left with the task of getting our apartment down to a couple suitcases and giving away/throwing away almost everything else because of the really short notice. It was heartbreaking.
His idea of "cleaning the garage" was to re-stack the PILES of crap in to neater heaps. Drove me insane- because when I wanted something on the bottom of the pile, I had to dismantle the whole thing to get to it. We never used the garage because it was full of junk.
One of my favorite memories of the divorce was when I rented a Uhaul truck and my dad came over. For two days we hauled crap out of that garage and threw it in the truck. TWO DAYS it took.
Drove to the dump and unloaded all of it. The trash weighed just under one ton. It was incredibly freeing to throw out gobs of his collected "stuff" that he couldn't bear to part with. Best one of all? The white, painted cutout plywood reindeer that his father had made for us. We lived in a twin home with no front yard. To this day I have no idea why he gave us those stupid ugly reindeer when we had absolutely no place to put them even if we did like the hideous things. I told the ex NO WAY was I ever putting those things anywhere near my house LOL.
To this day, I still take great joy in throwing things away.
I think it's so great PIC that you are getting this chance to set your place up just like you want, and that you're taking your time about it since part of what's going on (dream budget and spaceship aside) is you figuring out what exactly you like. That's what a proper NB is all about!
However, if I did have a lot of money I think I'd love to try out some of the home automation and the colored lights and stuff, but... honestly I am starting to see the value of the traditional decorations and plants and warm earthy colors and so on. I'm finding that now that I don't live in a desert, I actually like all this nature/low tech stuff.
After my D, and moving 3 times in 3 years, I found that material things just aren't important. If I don't see, use, or touch something at least once every 6 months (that could be shortened), then why do I keep it? I have cleaned out a lot of unnecessary items and could still get rid of more.
I like living in an uncluttered space, it is soothing to me. It's not for everyone, but for me it is the way to live.
I regularly do a clean out every 6 months or so and toss stuff out, donate or recycle it, the ex used to hate it . If I haven't used it in 12 months it goes.
Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.