BW's depression is bad. I don't know what to do for her. She pushes me away when I offer. I think on some level she really does want me there to care for her, but (1) she has always pushed others away when she's hurt, like a wounded animal that retreats into a cave; and (2) it hurts like hell to have me, her tormentor, be the only one she can turn to for care. She's living in hell, and I created it.
I don't know if you've personally gone through depression but if not, it's like nothing you've experienced. It can be extremely debilitating and painful and changes how you think.
You may have been a contributing factor and you can't fix her - that's hard to deal with, but accept that she may not want you to fix her problems right now, and instead try to find her someone else who can. For her sake and safety.
OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.
Hopeful but cautious
Please don't assume that your BW's method needs to be remedied. It might be more comfortable for you if she had a different approach, one in which she turned to you, but it is not necessarily worrisome that she does not.
Focus on you. How do you feel? What can you do to channel your feelings so that you move forward constructively?
There's plenty of work to so, to repair the damage done by infidelity. None of it requires fixing your wife. Fix yourself instead--so that one day, she will feel safe turning toward you.
All that said, depression is a medical illness. If she is depressed-and she may or may not be, as it can be very difficult to discern depression from the normal, absolutely (and necessary) passage through grief, I'd encourage her to see a doctor. And, of course; IC helps, too. Pushing her won't work; she'll go when the pain of staying in the same place is greater than the fear of seeking treatment.
[This message edited by solus sto at 4:35 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]
[This message edited by BlueBlueEyes at 7:19 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]
BW and I talked this evening after the younger kids went to bed. This has been a bad week for her--just deeply depressed. Today, her feelings are more numbness. Anger fits in there too. We're 6 months out from DDay, and she just feels stuck in limbo. She has no good choices, so she's waiting for a sign of some sort that will lead her to make a decision. She doesn't know how long she can go on feeling like this, and she doesn't trust me to be patient, selfless, and understanding while she figures things out for herself--nor should she since I've proven myself untrustworthy and selfish.
She was on AD's right after DDay. Those helped her get by the first month or so. She didn't refill the prescription. She's in IC and MC. She posts on SI regularly and has made some terrifically supportive friends from among the other BW's on here. All that helps some, but in those moments when she's alone, she curls up into a ball and sobs. She often stares into space when not immediately engaged with one of the family. She lacks her usual enthusiasm for things the kids do. I don't think she is suicidal, though.
I'm worried about her. I want to do something for her, not because I want to make myself feel better for making her a happier person to be around, and not for making her happier for the sake of my ego kibbles either, but because she is beyond grief, and that's not a healthy place to be.