I recently had an old A discovered by my BH--he has reached out to the community here for help and I am also. He has invited me to view any responses to his post and I will of course do the same for him. First I want to share the situation as he has very eloquently (and far kinder than I deserve) written:
My wife and I celebrated our 20th anniversary earlier this summer, we have 2 boys. My wife and I married pretty young, I am told I am her first and she never had a chance to date or develop a social life until I scooped her up. I had a little more experience, not much. One month ago I could have stood on the mountains and screamed how perfect and wonderful my life was, I guess I spoke too soon. Don't ever take for granted what you have. I woke up this morning to a black and white world and I am completely numb.
As I mentioned we were married young and thought we were in love, the problem is we had no idea how to communicate and my wife is a very closed person. After the birth of our second about 10 years ago, my wife had severe post partum depression and was even suicidal. I suspected this but had no idea how to approach or help. I guess someone else did.
My D-day would be about 3 weeks ago I guess. I was in bed with my wife falling asleep, she was on her phone. My head was by her shoulder and we both assumed I was asleep. Something awoke me and I glanced at her phone and saw a rather explicit image very briefly and the end of a text message that closed with "Night Sweetie". I woke up and snapped out of it. I asked her about the "Night Sweetie" only because I wanted to see how clean she would come. For the most part she just talked it out and tried to cover up the text, she did not come forward or confess anything else and it was late. I guess I should have been more honest also.
The next day we went out for a bit with the kids and did family stuff. We came home and I was in a dangerously dark place that I am almost ashamed of. I decided to not do what I had in mind but tell her what I had seen as a picture. This led to days and weeks of talking (mostly on my part), soul searching and some details. I wasn't sure how much I should ask for and she answered whatever I did ask but didn't offer much more. She showed no emotion, just steel resolve. At first she didn't want to break off "their" friendship because of how he helped her thru the dark times of her life and he truly was a "friend". A few days in I did force her to break it with a message she showed me and I saw the response back from him confirming her request. I found out that they had sexted several times, initiated by both over 7 years! I also found out that there had been a petting incident back when this started 7 years ago, she was completely transparent as to what I asked and asked for forgiveness. I do trust that she wants to get back but I truly don't know if she knows how.
I stewed with my feelings for 3 weeks and tried to get over this and let her relax and both of us get on with our marriage but I couldn't drop the nagging feelings. Finally I found SI and I read and read. I found that my feelings are not wrong and I needed more detail. I had said a LOT to my wife over the past 3 weeks but she has said virtually nothing, she has listened. I shared this site with her and she read all that I asked her to. We sat together and read the FAQs and answered questions. Finally I asked her to detail the actual events so I could get a better understanding of her thoughts, I had NO idea. I am back at D-day times 10.
We started back at the beginning and she repeatedly stresses how bad a place she was in and how dark her world was and how she couldn't communicate. She had no one to turn to and she was a worthless person. She found a male friend at work she could simply talk with. She could go to him to discuss her day or issues. This led to some other comforts and eventually led to her going to his house to watch a movie while his wife was there. Nothing happened and I do believe that. She tried to keep giving me the petting issue and I had perceived it as just a passing action at a convenient place so I didn't put as much weight into that as the sexting. It was a long time ago and fairly innocent, I thought. She was withholding the details to shield me but we agreed we needed to go over them last night. The petting incident was actually her leaving the house, going to his house, switching cars and going to dinner. He then asked her if she liked stars and they went to a park. They walked thru the park to a secluded area and he made sexual offers and suggestions as to his abilities. They really just sat and talked though. During the talking he advanced on her and the "petting" incident is him fondling her thru her top and rubbing her. When he tried to go up her shirt is when my wife apparently got scared and stopped the action. Although this was something she tried to offer early on, she does not see it as cheating. In her mind cheating is only touching genitals or intercourse so she saved those for the marriage. I almost threw up at this, literally.
The sexting was actually a year and a half of Cyber Sex between the two of them while I was away or sleeping. It was words and many pictures both ways and involved complete sexual acts and release, digitally. They also would have still been working together and doing lunch meets. Again, not cheating supposedly. I see it as dating and a year and a half of sneaking around behind my back. He traveled a lot and supposedly had no contact with her for about 5 years.
The exchange 4 weeks ago was his coming back to town and "poking" here on Facebook. They exchange pleasantries and eventually he sent a picture of "himself", 2 actually. She bantered with him a bit and even offered that it was a positive thing for her but she needed to leave for work.
She never saw this as cheating or wrong and was not going to stop or tell me even after the initial discovery. One of the worst parts is that I really have wanted to do sexting and tried with her a while back, in hindsight my timing was wrong and she got the picture at work and it could have been embarrassing I guess. She came home and scolded me for that and never tried again with me. She was comfortable doing this with him but embarrassed with me... She still can't Sext with me.
She claims that she is sorry and that she will do anything to fix this. She claims to have broken off contact with him. She supposedly is starting to see all this as wrong. I talk and talk and talk and she sits on the couch and stares back at me emotionless. Understand that she NEVER cries and internalizes everything but I am doing ALL the talking here and I don't know what else to say. I asked her to come to this site and I am going to show her my post. I don't know what else to do?
Sorry for the ramble, we can't possibly afford counseling and we are not counseling kind of people. I want this fixed and she says she does but I have no idea where to turn or what to do to fix this. I am at work now trying to deal. My wife does not work with him anymore but she works nights and I work days, I did ask her to call in tonight so we will see if she can see this. Thoughts?
So...from my side of it...(I am not looking for pity or to try to justify what I have done, just some more info that I will try to put out as impartially as I can--please feel free to call me on this if it really is not, I am also still working through this)
He is very right--I am for the most part very unemotional and am the poster child for compartmentalizing. Over the last few years I have really worked to open up, to realize my self worth for myself without looking for external validation. I still struggle with this every day and know it. I have suffered from depression and not just post-partum. Never sought help--this was just a flaw that I felt I had to deal with on my own. I fix objects for a living--I can see very quickly what these objects need and how to deal with it. I can't see how I can possibly even begin to try to "fix" this situation. I am at a desperate loss as to what to do. I have tried to read, I have asked BH what he needs, I have been far more open and honest about the A and anything else we have discussed than I may have ever been about anything else in my life. I realize I am still grieving for the loss of the A, but mostly for the shock of discovery and abruptness of the NC. It is not something I feel I need anymore, it is not even something I still want--I had moved past that before the most recent contact--the one that led to D-Day. There were never any delusions about a life with the AP, we both knew and agreed that it was just cheap quick thrills. I honestly never in my mind at the time thought I was hurting anyone else (since D-Day I am still realizing more every day and with every discussion how wrong that statement is.) I want so desperately to work toward R and I know it will take a LOT of time on his part and even more effort on mine, I just don't know where to start. I do not want to lose my BH and fear that I may have done irreparable damage to him and to us. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay if I want to--I very much want to stay if he will let me and VERY MUCH still love him, probably more now than ever, maybe because of the new-found openness and communication? Or the fact that I so nearly obliterated something we had that really was so beautiful, but I guess I was still selfishly blind and taking life for granted? I just don't know what else I can do to help him start down a path of healing. If anyone can point me in the right direction I would love to hear anything you have to offer. I am not too proud to admit my failure as a person and partner, I want to own my S and do whatever is necessary to work towards R.