I haven't posted in a long time. Honestly, I stopped looking at the website because my BH thinks it is "crap". But today, this morning actually, I found myself looking here to help me gain courage, to help me dig deep and to help me push on.
A lot has happened since my last post. I have moved, my BH and I started a business, and I everyday work on myself and being the best me that i can be. On numerous occasions (besides today) my BH has told me he has seen a great change. It's nice to be recognized but at the same time its hard because i should have been better before!
It was a risk starting this business but i am all in him with that so i can't be afraid. I trust him but he doesn't trust me. He has the ability to basically ruin all i've worked for and ruin me financially. This is a risk that i am taking. I believe in him.
This afternoon we were talking about how he doesn't get this "feeling" from me and that i haven't been fully honest with him. He doesn't get that feeling because i haven't been. I have told him all the "events" and all the people that i was sexting but i left out a detail here and a detail there. Because I am the one that did this i have to pay the price. Today it came down to him letting me know he would ruin me if i didn't come clean. It took him to put me in a corner to get me to give him the last of it. He promised that he would love me even after i told him but it doesn't seem that that is how things are going.
He made a promise to me that it didn't matter what i told him that he would be here and the most important thing was the truth. I agree. I think i knew this was coming and thats why i came to the site this morning.
I have now told him all the detail, i have told him everything but he is expecting more. He thinks i slept with the whole world and wants to know about it. He makes me feel like i have to lie about sleeping with more people because he won't believe anything else. I didn't lie and i didn't make things up just because that is what he expected.
I can't be hurt and annoyed with him yet I am. He has since said he is going to phase me out of the company, hates me, and doesn't want to be married to me because there are prettier women out there. Also, we basically have a lot riding on a specific work contract and he said that if we don't get this one we are done done.
I am ashamed that I hadn't told him everything. Because I held off I made his head run wild and he is choosing to believe his thoughts and not me. I deserve that.
I also feel a sense of peace. His ultimatums have lead me to come to full disclosure. Its like a weight has been lifted. He can't use threats to get me to tell him anything else because it's out there. Does this make any sense?
Whether he doesn't want me involved or doesn't want to be married to me any longer I know that i have given him what he needs to make his choice. the full truth. I am at peace with knowing i have a long hard road ahead of me but i also know that i am going to do whatever i can to help him.
That being said - i have said "I" a lot in this post which is selfish but i needed to be able to share how i am feeling at this moment.
I am not better. I am not okay. But i feel like i took a step and crossed a personal threshold. I should have done it long ago but I am glad that i finally did it.
[This message edited by lostlove7 at 7:48 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]