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Newest Member: ashm7 (60758)

User Topic: Not sure what I'm doing..
♀ 44598
Member # 44598
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, I'm newly registered but I've lurked around the forums for the past few years (hope that doesn't sound creepy!). I had wrote out a long explanation of the events and why I'm where I am today but it ended up being a novel. So I'll try to summarize. I met my exbf online when I was 17, he was 21. I'm American, he's British. He came to visit and our first son was conceived. We were best friends, partners in crime...except I noticed an escalating drinking problem. ExBf decided to stay in the states for awhile but after 2 years decided we should move to England. Drinking and dabbling in drugs started, but I became pregnant with our second and felt stranded in a different country. Suspicion of cheating started but I could never find anything.
Eventually I decided to move back home with the boys, and gave the ex an ultimatum. Get help, we'll come home. He found a job that allowed him to travel. He went missing for a week and I decided to check our joint email, found he had slept with an English girl and started a relationship while in Poland. Email and phone confrontation, he promised to end it and make amends. We stayed in touch for 4 months before he disappeared again. Thanks to social media, found out he was back in Poland with OW. Refused to speak to me. For almost five years, he's had no contact with me or our children. I had to struggle to get on my feet with no college education, job experience or skills. Our youngest son was diagnosed with autism and I had to stop working to care for him and take public assistance. I fought for international child support but only received one payment. My oldest became angry and violent after being abandoned. We went through therapy for him and myself. I am finishing what feels like the worlds longest Psychology degree. I've made friends and found strength.
A month ago the Ex emailed out the blue. "I'm so sorry, I want to be a part of the kids lives, I never stopped loving you.." etc. Through him and others I found out that he had been badly beaten in a foreign county, requiring metal plates to be placed in his head. Last year he tried to commit suicide and was committed for 90 days. He's going to therapy and treatment for the drugs. I let him Skype with us a few times. I placed boundaries on what me and him could talk about but that doesn't stop him from expressing a desire to get his family back.
I feel sorry for him. I don't want him to feel hopeless and try to kill himself again. I want him to have a relationship with his kids. And I do still have some feelings for him, even after nights spent awake thinking of ways to get revenge...
Deep down I know it'd be backing a losing horse. Hes already shown signs of drinking again. The Polish girl still has their picture up on FB. And he's obviously not stable, just from things he's said. But i'll be damned if theres still not part of me that would try if given the chance. I hate that part of me right now.
Is there anyone who has reconciled after you and the kids were left like garbage? Anyone go back to a "recovering" addict? Again I'm in therapy and I'm a psych student. I know. But I just need to hear it from other people who have been there instead of the people around me who say "never say never".

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: United States
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel sorry for him. I don't want him to feel hopeless and try to kill himself again. I

This sounds co-dependent to me and this is not a solid reason
for reuniting. I'm all about forgiveness but letting this man back into your life and your kids, IMO would be undoing all of your progress. Your child had to seek therapy after being abandoned, what if he does it again? You've come so far after he basically left you hanging with no support, financial or emotional. I would strongly advise to not let him back in but if you do, a little at a time until he proves he's changed.
I would just hate to see all of your hard work to make it on.your own, be destroyed by someone who cared so little about his family. Take care and I wish you and the kids the best life.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 26133
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to be a mother tigress for your cubs and protecting them from dangers like your ex. It is interesting to explore what part of you is attracted to getting back into the mud hole with an addict, and as a psychology student you will know it has nothing to do with him and needs looking at so you do not make the mistake of endangering you and your kids' lives and well being again. Focus on those needs in you, figure out what they are and how they can be resolved. And stay away from your ex. Please. You have made so many gains in your life, they cannot be risked.

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5883 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
♀ 24572
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No no no. Just no. He sounds like a disaster and you got away from him YEARS ago. Find someone healthy who doesn't need fixing.

Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.

Posts: 1463 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
♀ 43496
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize he is the father if your children. This does not give him automatic rights and access to them after YEARS of abandonment. If, given all that you know of him and psychology, you rationally still want to resume contact, you can of course do that. But for goodness sake keep your kids shielded until you establish that he is stable and will be there for them going forward. The LAST thing they need is Dad to re-appear and then drop off again.

Me: 33, BW Him: 40, fWH
Together 11y, married 8
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email
Working on R, and it's working

Posts: 3226 | Registered: May 2014
♀ 44598
Member # 44598
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all! I needed a reality check and asking people who know was it. I know the disaster addicts can bring to a family, its why I flew back across an ocean to shield my kids from him. And of course he's saying all the right things and showing me that he kept my name tattooed on his arm despite OW (???) to try to reel me in. It worked a little. But I'm strongly in the camp that thinks if a cheater has half a chance, they'll do it again. The lies and manipulations needed to betray your family like that don't just disappear overnight. I will allow moderated contact with him and the kids, and reiterate my boundaries of what me and him discuss. Plus, keep my therapy appointment next week :). Thank you again!!
Edit: Forgot to add that my therapist suggested contact for the children's sake, mainly my oldest who knows what's going on in regards to his father. I would have no contact, but the Ex's parents stopped contact with my kids last year after the suicide attempt because it was somehow my thesis will be about these people honestly. But my desire for my son to have contact with his other side of the family, doesn't stop me from wanting to keep him safe. So moderation and boundaries was what I was told was needed.

[This message edited by LionessRoar at 1:40 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 6

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