My main question is....do you think its possible to be "just friends" with an ex and/or healthy to do so? I, for one, cannot wrap my head around this concept. The only way I can heal from a romantic relationship ending is space and time. I can't be "friends" with someone that I had romantic feelings for. This may be just a personal thing. However, I have had many exes who thought this was possible......whether they were being genuine or just trying to keep their foot in the door for a hopeful future reconciliation.....I don't know. Either way.... I nipped it in the bud because I just CAN'T do that.
Thoughts on this? I'm just being nosy....
ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12
But with romantic partners since my marriage ended, I often try to be "friendly" if not exactly "friends". Not in the keep a foot in the door way, but because I saw something in the man that made me like him. A dating relationship not working out, doesn't mean those qualities aren't still there. I think though "staying friends" is kind of idealized concept. More appealing in theory for me than in reality.
Has it worked for me to remain friends with past romantic partners is a different question! 1 yes; 2 no's and 1 yet to be determined.
My first serious boyfriend I was on cordial terms with for awhile, but he has married now (to a woman who shares my first name!) and our contact has pretty much stopped, which I respect and understand. I do wish there could be more of a friendship there however. The cheating ex and I will never ever be friends, but that's self-explanatory.
So I do think all situations and people are different on this one!
In the world of adult dating I think it gets really murky, keeping past significant others around. When you used to be intimate with someone I think it can blur the boundaries about what is appropriate behavior between people. Or appropriate discussion topics. It's one thing to lean on exes as an emotional crutch when you are single, but then when you are in a relationship it can be confusing. People may claim they don't have feelings for exes, but if you can't break emotional ties with a past partner then maybe you still do IMO.
Me? I've never kept in contact with exes. I feel it's not healthy for either person and can get in the way of the next relationship. I know that I still have nostalgia for old flames sometimes, so I protect my current relationship with strong boundaries.
Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him
I think the people that do keep in touch, or become "friends" weren't really in love with each other.
I've always heard that you either love someone forever, or not at all.
There are two that I will love forever, but just not meant to be with them (neither of them my ex). I wish them well but have NC with them because it would be too weird.
I don't see the point of contact with her post-D, let alone a friendship.
A previous ex of mine was somebody I'd run into every so often - same professional circles etc so it was unavoidable. We were certainly civil and polite whenever we interacted, but we weren't meeting up for coffee or drinks or whatever after we went our separate ways.
Almost done with D
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.
I know that I still have nostalgia for old flames sometimes, so I protect my current relationship with strong boundaries.
This is me. Strong boundaries are important to me so I treat anyone that I'm with in a relationship with the same respect that I need in return. I can't date someone who is close friends with women they have slept with either....and that's probably because its a trigger point for me. My XWH was "just friends" with a girl that he thought of "like a sister" and she ultimately ended up being the MOW and the reason for my divorce. Hence.....I just can't go there!
NO and HELL NO.
"FOREVER IN LOVE" lasts only 14 years.
My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23
If you are talking about the ex's that brought us here to SI, then no I don't think it's healthy. I don't need "friends" who habitually lie (to everyone, not just to me), who don't keep their word, who have zero empathy and no regard for how their actions affect others, and the list goes on.
There is simply no room for anyone like that in my life, and I have too much self-respect to subject myself to that sort of treatment, from a romantic partner or a "friend".
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords
The ex? I am only politely civil out of necessity. He wants to be "friends" and is always saying "let's remember the good times," to which my response is . Friends don't betray friends.
I think people have conflicting definitions of what "friend" means, and therein lies the problem.
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
In practice, much more difficult.
You need a cooling-down period, and, then, how do you start up the friendship again? If I contact them, it seems like creepy married guy seeking something outside the marriage. And if they contact me, it seems like creepy potential OW seeking to disrupt a marriage. None of the women I dated would do that.
The goal would be to seek couple friends anyway... so that could create an awkward dynamic. Best to leave it alone and make new friends.
Now that hope is gone and he has remarried, i'm not feeling all that chummy.
(which also signifies to me that my desire to be friends was insincere)
I would like to be friends with my ex because of our shared history, and because I am like that with people I know that I have been close to and tend to stay in touch for life.
But on a practical basis I cannot see how it is possible, and so I haven't tried. Perhaps I will send X a program from the memorial for my brother in law who was once his brother in law for many years so the NC of numerous years would be momentarily broken. But a friendship sounds impossible. Even if was not still living with OW, there is just too much betrayal and hurt.
Knowing what a worm he is capable of being would prevent a true friendship from emerging.
However, I am friends with a couple of my other X's. This was mainly due to honesty. The relationships ended civilly, there was no cheating. These are men that I respected during the relationship and more because of how the ending was handled. Neither of them is a super close friend but they'd both come help if I called at 2 in the afternoon or 2 in the morning.
We are friends but we keep a respectful distance because of all of us are now involved in other relationships. I respect the feelings of their wives and try and not hang out with them at uncomfortable frequency. I also try and be very transparent with the wives so that the friendship isn't a problem for their relationships or mine.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
We have an undeniable history. We were together for almost 40 years. We know each other inside and out and share a DS and now a DGS.
We speak infrequently, but we are 'friends' on FB, mostly to share pics of DGS, but we do still have mutual friends, so we'd see postings from each other occasionally anyway. I don't see us ever getting together socially, especially since we live 2500 miles apart. I have no interest in interacting with his OW, as I don't care for her personally, but I'm over him and the A.