-Sent NC letter to OW last winter, had already not made any attempts to contact her for months prior, and none since.
-She broke NC request in April by email. He immediately showed me and again requested her to stop. Told her that I was the only one that mattered and he had no desire to speak w/ her ever again.
-Willingly gave me a list of all passwords to emails, bank accounts, etc.
-Does not take his phone anywhere. Leaves it with me to look at and check messages.
-Sends me emails from work to let me know he is thinking about me and what he is doing.
-Always comes home on time, or tells me exactly when he will be home if plans change.
-Does not go anywhere without me, or at least asks if I want to come.
-Agreed to MC, and we've been going for most of the last year.
-Agreed to polygraph if I need it. (we don't have a place locally, but it's still on the table).
-Has read through a couple books, and tries to talk to me about things he reads and how they apply to us.
-Has written me numerous letters of apology
-Endures many of my emotional tirades, mood swings and late night conversations. Comforts and reassures me as best he can.
-We've discussed his "whys" and he explains the affair was a result of poor self-esteem, need for external validation, and poor understanding of boundaries. Accepts responsibility for affair and many of our issues prior.
-Is going to write a complete timeline of events for me today (I hadn't asked until recently, but should have earlier)
-He seems much less emotionally guarded, willing to talk things through, and asks me what I need. I've seem him cry more in the last year than in the past six we've been together.
BUT - and this is where my fears stem:
-There have been small details he withheld or lied about, claiming he was so ashamed and did not want to give me more mental pictures. He has expressed a fear of conflict resulting from FOO issues. I tend to react in anger, and have not made him feel it was safe to express himself. I am trying to be understanding of his needs, and not react so harshly when he is genuinely trying to be honest. Not trying to rugsweep or minimize, but feel free to whack me over the head if you think I'm being too easy, or have anything else to add about what he/we can do.
Longer than I planned for. I'm just trying to process some thoughts floating through my head
It seems to be remorse. Yay for you! I'm not sure the severity if what was held back or it it's important to you that you now have all the information. I'm struggling with knowing because I got TT over a long period of time. I cannot yet trust her because of it. Worse, if they are similar with FOO issues, it seems a family thing, this lying. I expect it takes time to change that behavior, which is painful following infidelity.
Good luck to you.
As for the holding back, here's my take. I had to know details and I demanded them. Problem is the A took place 19 years prior to dday so she honestly couldn't remember the details. At 4 1/2 years out I am now kinda glad she couldn't remember. The details I do have are forever imprinted on my mind in the form of mental images that I put together and I know these to be accurate. The rest are also mental images but I know they're probably not accurate so that somehow makes them less painful.
I may be the exception to the rule and you may feel totally different than I do. Everyone handles this situation differently so if you find comfort or peace in his actions then allow yourself to feel that comfort and peace. For a long time I would not let myself feel peace over anything my FWW did or said. I kept myself in a dark place all the time. It infected every aspect of my life and maybe that was just a bi-product of the immense pain I felt. Who knows?
I do know this. There is happiness after the darkness.
Trust is difficult to earn but so very easy to lose. It's a gift that should be treasured and guarded.
At the same time though, I think I project feelings from a lot of the negative stories into my own life. This lead me to feel very guarded and suspicious around my WBF, more so than I think is warranted.
ding ding ding lol
I am not nearly as far out as you are, but I do this same thing. It thrusts me back into DDay and even if I am having a good day, sometimes it brings me down. I am "lucky" with a very remorseful WH. We sit and talk for hours now when we get home from work, versus watching TV for 5 hours. I feel strangely more connected to him because he is finally opening up. Seems like his reasons are the same as your WS, and on DDay it was like he was whacked in the head and snapped out of this hell he was making for himself (and me). I can see him changing, see him opening up, doing the hard ass work. At this point, I want to believe that this is our new future, because it's looking better than our M was pre-a (only married for 1 year at time of DDay but WH had been getting to a very dark place for a few months and wasn't letting me in or opening up to me at ALL). So I can only hope that he continues. It sounds like your WH is remorseful to me...but then again I don't have a lot of experience with this yet so I could be wrong, I don't think so though.
I am starting to learn that I need to trust my gut, feel whatever feelings I have in the moment (even if they are happy...i don't need to keep dragging myself through the mud), and take all the advice I get here with a grain of salt. :) Keep posting, I look forward to hearing more of your success as I am sure it will keep coming.
"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela
However, he needs to understand that knowing the truth, even when it hurts, is more conducive to your healing than forever wondering. He also needs to feel safe in revealing the details you want, so try to control expressing the anger that you (justifiably) feel.
On the other hand, played-a-fool brings up a good point:
At 4 1/2 years out I am now kinda glad she couldn't remember. The details I do have are forever imprinted on my mind in the form of mental images that I put together and I know these to be accurate. The rest are also mental images but I know they're probably not accurate so that somehow makes them less painful.
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA
Regarding the withholding and your anger, try not to beat yourself up about it. You're not the only one. I made it almost impossible for fwh to tell me everything. I freaked every time.
I didn't get the truth until I realised this too. Not all my fault of course. He should have told me it all at the start.
It's not always a smooth ride when this stuff comes out.
Sounds like you're doing well
You won't know whether it is true remorse for some time. But sure sounds good to me!
BH (Me) 49
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R
I did the same thing for a long time here. It got to the point that I felt better when I wasn't reading or posting on here I felt better. When I was here, I focused on the affair, felt like I couldn't trust my own instincts and in general felt bad. I disappeared for a couple of months.
A fight brought me back here and in a recent thread some people made a really good point to me. Take what you need and leave the rest. If you instead try to take in everything everyone else is saying it will only bring you down. Enjoy your remorseful spouse. Far to few around here get that.
Married 6 years. Dating 10. Living together 8.
If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world
- Harry Chapin
it sounds like you're dipping a toe into letting your walls down but it's scary without them.
My therapist told me something that really helped. She said I clearly loved H but was too scared to let him in fully and start moving forward because - and here she sort of looked to the side of her and screwed up her face thoughtfully - I'm just not quite sure yet if I feel safe with you.......She went on to say that is totally healthy.
Even if you know the full story, even if you love them, even if you want to move on and throw yourself back into the relationship, there will still be doubts, niggles, insecurity, worries etc.
It's normal, you have been hurt and those walls keep us safe.
I don't know if this will help but I am finding as I feel a bit more secure (since his last revelation I feel I have the truth) that the walls are developing little holes all by themselves. I keep poking a few more bricks out when I am feeling brave and more tumble free.
There are a lot of bricks though so I am taking my time. Nothing wrong with that. I still have plenty to hide behind and lick my wounds when I need to, and I still do. I am sort of half in and half out depending how safe or worried I feel on any given day/situation and I am ok with that.
I loved how you said 'is it safe to come out yet' it conjured up an image that really sums it up beautifully.
I take regular breaks from SI, I tend to only come on if I am feeling really good, or really bad. I also identify with other people's stories and they can trigger my insecurities and doubts like nothing else on earth.
Just my thoughts.
[This message edited by olwen at 10:10 AM, August 23rd (Saturday)]
[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 11:25 AM, August 23rd (Saturday)]
You are lucky to have such a remorseful WS. Really. All of what you wrote sounds good. I do have some compassion for both sides when it comes to holding back some details. I get why people do it. It is hard for them to accept the concept that the whole truth is the answer. It is very hard to deal with the shame and guilt of the ugly details IMO especially if the person is remorseful. It is easy to convine themselves that they don't want to hurt you worse, but they also don't want to shred their last bit of self-respect or self-image protection. But in reality, keeping little pieces of the truth secret really IS damaging. I think it's a more difficult concept to internalize than SI makes it seem.
I do think your WS is on the right path though. But I also understand how TT will keep your defenses up and continue to hurt you. Hang in there. I think you are doing great.
" I will not define myself by what went wrong yesterday when I can draw upon Life and Love right now." R.R
I agree. Trust YOUR gut. If you believe he's being remorseful, then he is. If you feel he is holding back, then odds are good. Use the information shared on here to explore what you know about yourself rather than talk you out of what you know to be true. When I come here I basically know what my gut tells me, I just need empowered to follow through.
I am willingly keeping myself in that dark place and hiding behind walls of anger and sadness out of fear. Sometimes I just want to ask, is it safe to come out yet?
Nursing the hurt. It is a comfortable place to be at times. You will know when you can do it less and less. Look at the progress you have made - it will continue. The 2-5 years quoted for healing isn't stagnant time. You guys seem to be on the right track. There will be ups & downs. It's all normal.
Perhaps not reading other threads will help you. Maybe concentrate on just your own journey and posting and learning are where you need to be right now. There will come a day when others' stories won't become your own - you do have to be diligent about reminding yourself of that.
Is your WBF in IC? I see you seem to think he has gotten to his *whys* but has he worked to learn new coping skills so that the next time he feels he is not being valued he doesn't look for external validation?
Your WBF seems remorseful. Time for him to take the next step with an IC well versed in WW behavior/thinking and getting to the root of the problem.