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User Topic: Belief in marriage.
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss my 76 year old friend, "Beaufort". He passed away 7 months ago now. He had wisdom that matched or surpassed his age. I only lightly tapped into his wisdom...but am ever grateful for what he saw fit to impart to me.

Two things he told me that I wished I had investigated further....

"Blakesteele, you remind me of me at your age....doing life as if you were beating snakes".

I took that as a compliment to my strong work ethic. Now, 2 years post-DD and tons of IC.....I wonder if he meant something quite different.......


But this...this is what really intriques me.

"You must believe in marriage...and believe it works."

He was a strong Christian...beleived as I do that God designed marriage to "work". Not to "be happy"...not to "be contented"...but to "work". I am seeing first hand just how much "work" is needed to R a M after adultery....and I am also seeing just how little work my wife and I put into our M pre-A. (not intentionally really...but as a result of many subconcious issues).

This ties into a recent nugget from C.S. Lewis.

"ONLY A REAL RISK TESTS THE REALITY OF A BELIEF".

Many of us, myself included, believed adultery would be a deal breaker for us. This trial has tested THAT belief...and it came up false.

Many of us, myself included, believed we upheld all of our vows upon our DD. As this trial has unfolded for me, it is clear that that belief ALSO turned out to be false.

Many of us, myself included, believed we married the exact person we were meant to and would be with until death do us part. So far, that belief is proving to be true.

Many of us, myself included, believed we were doing M as good as we could have pre-A. That is belief IS true, given our level of knowledge at any given time.


Many of us, myself included, believed in God. As this trial has unfolded, that belief has proved true.


Point of this post?

Keep the faith....keep believing. Find the courage to test your beliefs, and then bravely face the results of that test. As beliefs are challenged and fall by the wayside....find the courage to believe in something again.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:57 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
notanavrageangel
♀ 44154
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blakesteele -

thank you for this! I love "Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief".

This just makes me think, and I could be alone in this thought...How do we really know how much something means to us, unless there is a threat of losing it. Just like the adage says, You don't know what you really have until it's gone.

I was in the camp of thinking an infidelity would destroy me, but I think given the circumstances and my particular WH, we have a chance to makes changes. We are fortunate in the fact that we are newly married, and if we were going to deal with this at any point, I suppose I am thankful we can learn these lessons early on. I know you posted on my earlier thread about abandonment, so I need to work on my issues surrounding that and WH needs to work on his low self esteem and fear of failure. We didn't notice we were broken until this happened, we didn't realize that we weren't putting in the effort and care that we should have been into our marriage all along.

I know some people would disagree with me and think that since he cheated so early into our marriage, that we are doomed. I am trying to look at this as a wake up call (for us both) to really learn from our mistakes and truly learn how to REALLY DEEPLY love each other in a way we never even imagined. I hope this can be an outcome after lots and lots of hard work and pain and heartache. I hope there is that light at the end of this tunnel.


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2014
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome.

C.S. Lewis rocks!


We are fortunate in the fact that we are newly married, and if we were going to deal with this at any point, I suppose I am thankful we can learn these lessons early on.

I see some on here say "If I were newly wed I would be gone" and "If I didn't have so much to loose, I would be gone" and "If I were younger and cuter I would be gone". I try to stay out of those threads.

I do because I was one of those guys....so firmly stating what I believed I would do.

Humility was sorely needed in my life...and this trial continues to do that for me.

As F'ed as this sounds.....if you can truly get into R (both spouses honestly desiring it for healthy reasons)....it matters not what age you are, if you are a SAHM or how long you have been married. It is a gift as it will lead to a maturity and intimacy that would most likely have eluded you for a lifetime.

What if I D'ed immediately...found a cute 20 something year old that worshiped the ground I walked on. Think I would have dug into my abandonment issues, seen my false intimacy coping mechs in the true light they ARE? NO WAY! Where would the motivation come from?


As a Christian who believe in eternity...our life on earth is but a blink of an eye. It is a training ground for your character. I hate the fact that for 30 years I remained mostly emotionally and spiritually in one place.

My wifes A, as dreadful as it was, has been the explosion needed to bust me out of my ruts.

Ruts are nothing more than graves with the ends kicked out.


My wife had an EA while we were engaged. We did not see that as the opportunity it was...and both rug swept that.

Fast forward 15 years. BOOM!

But what happend in those 15 years? Lots!!! Some good, some not so good.

We have two daughters, 7 and 10....they would not be here had we split.

I don't believe in luck or coincidences.

Everything happens for a reason.

I believe God gave me the wife he gave me. I also believe He loves us so much that he gave us free will...and stands out of our way as we use it. We are imperfect. Just because God put us together does NOT mean we will stay together....that dang free will thing! He intends for us to stay together, just like He intended for us to NOT sin as we have. But, until we get to heaven, we are going to remain imperfect and are called to improve. We are meant to BE like Jesus...not BE JESUS. KWIM?

Perfectionism. Turns out that is a part of me too. My false hope that if I did everything just right, the pain of abandonment I felt as a child would never re-enter my life again....and that is the birth place of my CoD.

Keep the faith. This is a roller coaster of a ride....but you have the stomach for it. You will have doubts...don't give in.

God is with us all.


[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:57 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
notanavrageangel
♀ 44154
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blakesteele -

Thanks for all your feedback. I am not really "religious" but I do believe that there is more to existance than this human experience we are having. Call it God, or the universe, to me it's all in your interpretation.

I agree that if I were to leave my M...how can I know that the next man I meet won't be equally broken. We will have our own sets of issues, maybe not an A but I am sure it would be something.

I am CHOOSING to see the light in this experience. I have seen threads where there is a lot of negative things happening, and at times it drags me down...I feel like I am taking this "too well" and then begin to fear I am rug sweeping, and then find something to be angry about and then rage and cry. It's kind of vicious. I am beginning to understand that it's okay to feel whatever I am feeling, even if it's a shred of happiness, or intimacy with my WH. I don't need to sabotage it just because we are only 6 weeks out and I am "supposed" to be more angry etc... There will be times I know where I truly am angry or sad, and that's okay too.

I believe that if I focus on healing me, WH heals himself...we can truly heal our marriage together and have the type of love and deep connection that most people never experience. Thank you for your post again. :)


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2014
Wodnships
42750
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This just makes me think, and I could be alone in this thought...How do we really know how much something means to us, unless there is a threat of losing it. Just like the adage says, You don't know what you really have until it's gone.

I've read that before many times of course. But, and I mean this gently, I think it's a crock. If you true then it means either you are self absorbed or you are too lost to stop and take a look at life. Never good. It's important to count your blessings in life. That saying is an excuse to not take the time to do this.

It is, however, true that they paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

C.S. Lewis rocks!

The ultimate atheist turned Christian and writer of the first chapter book I ever read. (That is a big deal for someone who didn't learn how to read until the summer between his 3rd and 4th grade years.) I Really should go back and reread them as an adult.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 577 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Topic Posts: 5

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