Topic: What I see – three years out
Member # 32900
| Posted: 9:07 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014|
At three years out I can honestly say the pain does not control me. I could never have predicted my reaction three years ago. I can hardly believe the path I have traveled these past three years. I would never had thought I could be dismantled but the building blocks of who I was were not built for this and they crumbled. As I recovered I believed I completely lost me and what it meant to be me. I actually understood why someone would take their own life, something that had been inconceivable to me before. In reality what was me (my foundation) was completely numb. At the core of the destruction was how I defined myself through my M (bad blueprints). That has changed and that has made life better.
The biggest issue holding me back in healing was I did not trust myself. The biggest thing holding back the trust in myself was being able to show love and to be vulnerable (who I am) and expect I would be ok if it were to happen again. There are so many other issues but this for me is at the core of moving forward.
I’ve learned that while the building blocks were destroyed there was a strong foundation. It has taken three years to build the ground floor but I trust myself now. I believe my view of the world, love and M has changed and it is better suited to survive a nuclear strike. For a while that did not look the way I wanted it to (pitty party for one, very negative view of love…). Now I know what I previously believed about love was not wrong. What was wrong were my beliefs about what it meant about me when it all went wrong, and what my options are when it does go wrong. I have a long way to go building back the house that is me (a very long way). We have a lifetime of work building up the M as well. I am not satisfied with where I am nor where the M is. I am happy. I have many beliefs that have been shaken and I am working through that now. I am happy to be on the road I am traveling and I am happy with the path we are blazing with the M. If it happens again, or if the M dies, I will be sad and momentarily devastated. But I now trust myself. I will get up and continue and I will not crumble.
I initially wrote this for myself. I hope it will help anyone who is now feeling anything like I did. With the work on yourself you can heal. Remember their choice had nothing to do with who you are. The M is not who you are, it never was and it never should be. If you are in the hard work of R do not loose how important it is to work on you. If you are S or D I think this part is the same – working on you is important.
[This message edited by foundoutlater at 9:09 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]
Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.
Posts: 1325 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 38653
| Posted: 11:28 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014|
Thanks for your honest and heartfelt perspective. It's not going to be "better" three years out, but there's a significant amount of introspection and some distance that helps clarify things. That's what I learned from your post and what I will hold on to as I have just passed the 18 month DD mark. I really appreciate this
Me (BS) 44 Him (FWS) 45
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 12 years, T 20 years
Posts: 571 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 26133
| Posted: 3:47 AM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014|
Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.
Posts: 5638 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Member # 27968
| Posted: 4:18 AM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014|
BS Me 63
WS Him 64
I can dwell in the negative or seek the positive...one road is lonely...the other teeming with life.
Posts: 1856 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 43649
| Posted: 5:00 AM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014|
With the work on yourself you can heal. Remember their choice had nothing to do with who you are. The M is not who you are, it never was and it never should be. If you are in the hard work of R do not loose how important it is to work on you. If you are S or D I think this part is the same – working on you is important.
Good stuff FOL and thanks for sharing. The above is so very true as I am just beginning to discover on my own journey. It is ironic the devastating pain we have to go through to eventually be able to find our real selves. Harville Hendrix even suggests that we subconsciously choose our marriage partner to try and heal our inner pain from childhood although I'm not too convinced by that theory myself.
Simply just having the desire for introspection and insight into ourselves and how we got to be the individuals we are goes a long way to help us come to terms with our suffering.
'The difficulty we have in accepting responsibility for our behaviour lies in the desire to avoid the pain of the consequences of that behaviour'.
Posts: 257 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Member # 30213
| Posted: 6:24 AM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014|
Great post and good for you! I am almost five years out and it took a few years...or more....for me to finally fully realize that when it comes to whys and trust, I needed to focus on me...that I can't "fix" anything in him. I, too, had some of the same realizations about pain and life and as a result have much greater empathy for others in emotional distress even though I may not understand the source of their pain. I place a real high value on honesty now. I guess our BS eyes have opened and so many things in life are clearer now...too bad the trade-off was that loss of innocence...blind bliss. This road to understanding is a life-long endeavor and I welcome every new insight even though some are painful. As the saying goes...
God grant me the serenity to accept those I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can and the wisdom to know that person is me.
Posts: 705 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 43489
| Posted: 7:53 AM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014|
I would never had thought I could be dismantled but the building blocks of who I was were not built for this and they crumbled. As I recovered I believed I completely lost me and what it meant to be me. I actually understood why someone would take their own life, something that had been inconceivable to me before. In reality what was me (my foundation) was completely numb. At the core of the destruction was how I defined myself through my M (bad blueprints). That has changed and that has made life better.
FOL… there were so many moments reading your post where your words halted me and my brain was suspended in time thinking Yes! Even your comment about understanding how someone could take their own life, now. It's like a layer of life was removed from me after experiencing such shattering pain and I now feel everything on a more powerful level. A more accurate level. The filter is gone and I see others' pain with clarity. I feel it with clarity. I have always been an empathetic person, but now I see all the edges of pain and suffering and I know what it's like to have unbearable anguish. I went to Colorado last week with my fWH and three children. It was part of my healing since for as long as I can remember my healing place I go to in my mind is a Colorado mountain top. I did mountain top yoga and let all that beautiful pure air fill and heal my lungs and spirit. While sitting with my H later and thinking about the damage inside me these words just came out of my mouth… "I feel like you cut my umbilical cord and launched me from a Medieval sling shot into a dark, barren, and frightening land." For so long I felt I had no defenses in this new land. I just scurried from place to place in confusion and resting exhausted in crouched fetal positions. My identity was wife to a man who devoted himself to only me. My blue print was as you described your blue print. I even thought you were a woman while I was reading your post and was happy to read you are a man. It makes this a truly human condition.
Next Monday is my one year antiversary and the triggers are slamming me left and right. Thank you for writing this. Sometimes I read posts on SI that are so perfectly timed for what I need at that moment that I actually have a moment where I think the person wrote the post just for me. Then all the responses come and I feel the community. God bless SI. It has sometimes served as life support for me.
Posts: 132 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 37107
| Posted: 2:28 AM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014|
Thank you so much for this foundoutlater. Such a profound post. Couldn't have come at a better time for me.
Together 30 yrs, M 26 years
2 daughters 25yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 20yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later
Posts: 1293 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 40999
| Posted: 3:39 AM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014|
I'm at 3 years and I wish I could say things were so good. I know who I am I know what I believe in that has never changed. What has changed is I am no longer caring about others as much as I am watching out for my own back. Since he has not done the hard work rug sweeping etc and we never talk about it since it makes him feel so bad. Until a time when he can step up we will remain together and it will be miserable. His choice
Posts: 63 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Modesto
Member # 38044
| Posted: 4:56 AM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014|
This resonated with me.....hard!!!!!
MC started focusing on the whole "foundational, defining" thing recently......but my IC work entered this months ago. I resisted at first, but finally "shattered". Once I did, I entered the next level. At first I thought it was D time.....but now I see it is growth time. Perhaps this is a spot common to many BS's...and could explain the increase in D around the 2 year mark?
I trust you have wisdom that I am close to owning as my own.
This journey is unlike anything I ever imagined. Makes sense though......because if it were familiar, would any new wisdom or growth occur within me?
God is with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:00 AM, August 24th (Sunday)]
ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.
Posts: 5553 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
|Topic Posts: 10|