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Newest Member: hstones (61101)

User Topic: Question on 180 and Fixing underlying problem?
♀ 44599
Member # 44599
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted an intro on the just found out board yesterday. 3 weeks ago, I confirmed my husband's EA and mild PA. (Not to be naive and I don't believe everything he's telling me for sure, but I've gotten damn good at knowing when he's lying- he's not very good at it!). We seen a therapist 4 times so far and have talked every night. Therapists both think we are very capable of fixing this if we are both ok with that. We realize that we have always put friends, family, careers, kids 1st, from day 1. Never us at all. Therapist thinks this is our no.1 problem. We've also never been good at resolving conflict so we tend to ignore our problems. We recognize if we are to reconcile, these are areas to focus on. We set a date for tonight a few weeks ago (before this started) and we decided to still go for "us" time. I've read about the 180 to help guard ourselves, but how do you deal with the 180 and at the same time work on communicating, making ourselves 1st and being more vocal about our appreciation for each other? Seems counterproductive! My husband is very sensitive to this and while he understands that the burden is on him with regard to the A, we both have work to do on the underlying issues. Thanks in advance!

Posts: 230 | Registered: Aug 2014
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 is for a BS who has an unremorseful WS. Since you are trying to R, the 180 isn't needed here.

ETA: Its been 3 weeks since dday. Right now the therapist should be concentrating on getting the two of you through the affair fallout..not the problems in the marriage before dday.

Working on other problems, this soon after dday, is similar to trying to shut the door while your house is on fire. You put the fire out first.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:59 PM, August 23rd (Saturday)]

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 44599
Member # 44599
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That makes sense, both points. 1 therapist is sort of pooh-poohing the affair and focusing on underlying. We decided against her. The other has been working on both issues while we've been deciding what to do. While she focused on the A more, for sure, we were both already well into talking about underlying issues with all our talking.

As we have 5 days before we meet her again, any pointers are working on A issue appreciated! Thanks!!!

Posts: 230 | Registered: Aug 2014
Topic Posts: 3

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