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Newest Member: Findinghope101 (61130)

User Topic: I feel so stupid
♂ 44606
Member # 44606
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently found out that my wife is cheating on me. We've been married 11 yrs. Sadly I have been depressed for many of them due to not being able to have a child and job changes. It seemed that when I was almost out of the hole something threw me right back in it. Yes I will admit that I am not the most talkative when I was in that hell. She admitted to me that she didn't do enough to try to pull me out of it. She told me that she wants a divorce a few months ago, but she has made no attempt to file or anything and I don't want that. I have prayed on the issue for some time. I really got concerned when she mistakenly told me that she left work one day at 3 P.M. when she normally gets off at 7 P.M. and she didn't get home until almost 9 P.M. She said that she stayed until 8 P.M., which explains getting home at the time she did. At this time I didn't have any real proof so all I could do was believe her. One day she was checking her messages and I was able to read one from him that said "Baby IWLY4E" I was floored. So I started watching her discreetly and I was able to get her phone lock code. She deleted most texts but I did see a few from her to him that stated that she loves him and such, but she not unresponsive to me. I'm torn because I don't think she wants to divorce me, but this guy is telling her what she wants to hear. I love my wife with all my heart and soul. I know when I tell her that I know about him and have proof she is still going to deny it. But I have the text.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: philadelphia
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brother you need to understand that no matter what the condition of the M was or how you behaved over the years had/has nothing to do with her cheating. Infidelity is a choice that an individual makes, it usually is consummated after many, many bad decisions done for solely selfish reasons. In the end it never was anyone's fault but the person who is doing the cheating. I don't care if you were Atilla the Hun, if she was that miserable she could have asked for a divorce before going out and fucking around with another man. But no, she decides to lie, sneak around and cheat on you. So you see she had many chances to do the noble thing yet she CHOSE to lie and cheat. Don't for once second take any blame for her affair. You are responsible for 50% of the marital issues, she is 100% responsible for her A. Don't let her try and tag you for blame. As for the current situation I would suggest you get your shit together before confronting her. You have to assume that divorce is on the horizon and prepare accordingly. I'm not saying that D is going to happen but its best to prepare for the worst. Consult with an attorney and find out your rights and responsibilities, get positioned to sever all financial ties and any other dual responsibilities you may have with her. I'd also suggest you get as much evidence as humanly possible and stash copies of that shit away from where she could find it. Develop a plan of action for confrontation and the aftermath. Right now you want to make things better and get your W back. But the sad reality is that your never, ever going to look at your W the same ever again. I'd also suggest to think long and hard about what exactly you want. Ask yourself can you get over this betrayal ? You need to be honest with yourself now bro.

Your in no rush to make a decision but its prudent that you get things in order no matter which way this goes. Should you attempt R she needs to understand that there can be no contact with OM ever again. No friends, no closure, no goodbyes in person etc. She must sever those ties willingly and quickly. Do not make any deals with her, allow her to bully you into negotiating shit etc. It has to be a final split with OM or nothing. If D is the only option here then you have to protect yourself and kids if you have any. Ensure you don't get screwed over any more then you already have been. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but this is a great place for support, healing, advice and understanding. We all have been in your shoes and trust me your situation is not unique. I know it seems like no one in the world has ever gone through your pain, but we have. Surprisingly affairs and people who cheat have many similarities. They act the same way, say the same stupid shit and how things go down is the same no matter what the situation. Read up in the healing library and keep posting and reading. Its kind of slow here on the weekends but others will be along shortly to answer questions and give you advice. I suggest you listen to them as this place is a god send for those who have been betrayed. Try and take care of yourself as best as possible. Eat, sleep and hydrate. If you find that you cant like many of us have I suggest you enlist the help of professionals. There is nothing wrong with seeing a Dr. or therapist. They actually help very much. Hang in there my man and don't give up the fight. We are here for you when you need us.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 6851 | Registered: Nov 2007
♂ 44606
Member # 44606
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice. I don't want to rush into a quick judgement. I'm going to do some reading on this site and take it all in before I make a decision. The sad thing is I thing that the guy she is dealing with is married too. I do however have his number also. Sadly I feel that if he is married I want her to know also. So I am trying to find a legit cell phone reversal lookup service so I can get that info for her, no matter my outcome.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: philadelphia
♂ 41947
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here we go again. Sorry you are here. From what you just described, you don't need to do much reading here because Stronger08 just laid it all out perfectly for you . And you are going to get a bunch of responses that will give you the advice he just did in different words.
So here is what I would recommend
(1) understand that you wife is undoubtedly fucking another man. Sorry, no way to sugar coat that one, and the sooner you move from denial and hope to anger the better off you will be.
(2) the chances that she does not know he is also married is so small it is not even worth mentioning.
(3) abut guess what. The fact that you know he is married and know the phone number is your best chance to stop it if you don't spend too much time reading and help yourself. Call the wife of OM and let her know. You might just get lucky and bring enough chaos to his life that he will have more to worry about that planing his next trust with your wife. And for heavens sake, do not tell her you are going to do this.

You already know there is an inappropriate relationship going on. You are not in a court of law so you do not have to prove anything to anyone but yourself.

Your other option is to snoop and hope it stops and make nice to her and let her be the happy housewife with you and have her boyfriend on the side. You won't be sleeping very well while you do this if you choose that option because your gut will be churning constantly.

You already have enough to stop this . I'll let the others tell you what is going to happen if you call his wife. If you don't do that you'll be posting here a long time and you will still wind up in a open marriage that you did not choose. Right now she is in control. Only you can change that

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
♂ 35603
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try Googling the number. The only way to save your marriage is for BOTH of you to be all in. That means he has to be completely out of the picture. The best way to do that is exposing him to his wife. In order for him to get with you wife he had to string a lot of bull together, which she bought. But the truth is he just wanted to get laid. When the shit hits the fan at home, typically, the OM will throw your wife under the bus, with no hesitation. When this happens, your wife will be angry with you at first, but then at him and then st herself. This will help remove the fog from her brain and really see how disgusting she was being.


Do NOT tell your wife what your plans are. If you do your wife will get word to him. They'll get their stories straight and getting to his wife will be exponentially more difficult.

[This message edited by hatefulnow at 8:01 PM, August 24th (Sunday)]

Posts: 154 | Registered: May 2012
♂ 44606
Member # 44606
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK you helped me make the decision easier. The only question I have is do any of you know a good legit cell phone reversal look up service so I can do that and get it out of the way. All of the ones I have checked out seemed to be scams. Thanks in advance. And I didn't plan to tell my wife shit until after I did it. She just got another message from the asshole.

[This message edited by evdawg at 9:23 PM, August 24th (Sunday)]

Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: philadelphia
♀ 44248
Member # 44248
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with ALL THE ABOVE. Please listen to what others here are telling you. I wish I would have posted my story and asked for help right after DDay happened to me, but I didn't and now I'm regretting some of the things I should have done, but didn't and some of the things I did, but shouldn't have.

1. Tell the OMs wife and don't let your WW know you are doing this! You need to take control of the situation. My WH was such a wuss, he didn't even have the balls to tell his AP that he was married. I demanded that he did, or this M was over, but he still didn't do it. So I walked to the other room, dialed her number and told her myself. It was the scariest thing I had done on my own. I was shaking and could barely hold the phone. Afterwards, I ran to the bathroom and puked. WH got pissed and walked out the door, but at that moment I found my power and my strength and I knew I wasn't the crazy one, HE WAS!

2. Please get STD testing, its gross and violating, but its seriously the best thing you can do for yourself just so you know you are ok.

The best advice that people here on SI have given me is take your time. That becomes you new four letter word: TIME. You feel like you have to make all your decisions STAT or else nothing will get fixed. Just start to become comfortable with the unknown and not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow, or tonight, or in the next few hours. I still struggle with this, but have learned that if I listened to this sooner, I may have been in a better position than I am now with my WH. Yes, there are some things you need to implement immediately, but you don't need to make decisions on R or D right now. Friends and/or family might push you to file for D or to just move on and get over it, but just remember you need to do what is right for you when you are ready.

Take care of yourself first. Remember she put her needs first during the time she was giving herself to this dude, so she is being nothing but selfish at the moment. Be selfish for YOU now, think about YOURSELF (and your kids if there are any.) She is also thinking crazy because most waywards have their heads up their asses at this point.

Hugs to you ((((evdawg))))

Me: BS 26 Him: WH 27
Married: 5 years, together 7. No kids.
DDay: 6/3/14 and TT till 9/5/14
Separated, headed for divorce
Trying to accept this nightmare is real every morning.
Hold on, this will hurt more than anything has before

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: VA
♂ 41947
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK you helped me make the decision easier. The only question I have is do any of you know a good legit cell phone reversal look up service so I can do that and get it out of the way. All of the ones I have checked out seemed to be scams. Thanks in advance. And I didn't plan to tell my wife shit until after I did it. She just got another message from the asshole.


Congratulations. The above indicates it only took you six hours on the forum to figure out what you need to do. You are already making positive steps.

I do not know of cell number reverser, but I do know you need to get a VAR in her car and a GPS on her car like yesterday. She will undoubtedly be talking to him in her car where she believes you have no chance to listen.

How do you know he just sent her another message???

Now you have to ask yourself what is your goal here.??? i think your first goal is to stop the affair and then see if she still wants a divorce.

When you do get the OM information, call the house but do not say anything if you get voice mail. Do it when he would be at work. Don't be surprised if the OM wife is not believing you at first so be prepared to send her copies of the messages you recover.

One of two things will happen. All hell will break loose in his house or he will bull shit her and she will back down. But you can count on him telling your wife, and she sill go bonkers.

When that happens, stand your ground. That is when you give her your DEMANDS to stay married, starting with NC phone call with you present.
If she refuses to do that, your next step is an attorney.

Now that you know what is going on I do not think you need to gather enough evidence to go to the Supreme Court with.

The important thing is that she understands that you have no intention of remaining in a marriage with three people in it, and she is free to do whatever she wants but not as your wife.

She will minimize, blame you, and try to bully you into accepting things on her terms. That is where you have to decide what is the deal breaker for you.

DO NOT accept anything like "I just can't cut it off immediately", or "Can't i still be friends".
If you accept any of that then don't waste your time trying to do anything.

You are not to blame her. Visit your local electronics store tomorrow and start the serious snooping. But blow this affair up quickly. The longer you let it go on gathering ironclad documentation, which you already have, the harder it will be to stop.

Congratulations again on coming to your sense so quickly and starting to help yourself make it real for her.

If you read some other threads, you will see what those that refuse to believe what is going on have to endure.

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
♂ 33212
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Glad you came here and posted even under this sad circumstance.

Expose, Expose, Expose.

And keep posting. You will get the answers for your questions here.


Posts: 1971 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
♂ 44606
Member # 44606
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know she got another message because I can hear the phone go off. It pains me a little bit every time I hear it go off. I will definately see if i can find a spy shop to get the GPS. Tuesdays and Saturdays are her best days to have her fun because I work from 800-2300 on those days. I didn't think of the GPS thing. Thanks for looking out.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: philadelphia
♂ 41947
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She messaging him with you sitting in the house?? If she is doing that O would just take her cell phone from her and take it to a techie to back it?
You know what she is doing ?
Make an appointment with an attorney ASAP. If she has threatened you with divorce you need to be prepared have the attorney draw up divorce papers to give to her when you catch her and she either refuses to stop it and R or tries to stall you .
You can stop the divorce anytime you want but that makes it real for her .
But most importantly don't sit there and wait a month gathering shit that you already know.
Allowing him to text her at night while she is home in house with you is about as disrespectful as it gets.
This woman is not
The wife you married now and you have to get In that mindset.
When you confront her , no MC, no book reading until the affair stops to your satisfaction

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have like 500.00 you can access, you can get a PI to get what u need, w/odriving yourself crazy. My friend got one... the PI was way across Walmart pkg lot and took photos w one of those paparazzi cameras. Saw them throw a Kleenex from car, the PI took it to crime lab, got DNA. He put trackers on both cars for a week to find out routine, etc etc. he even found out when OM wife would b getting off work so my friend could bring her the evidence in person.

Be very calm as you gather all this,,, it may be the only way to wake your wife up.

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child.
Dday 12/19/11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!
D final10/30/2012

Posts: 4090 | Registered: Jan 2012
♂ 44606
Member # 44606
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, August 25th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I did have that kind of money just sitting there to hire a PI. But I know I'm going to need it for the attorney. I just called to set up my initial consultation with a lawyer. My heart is hurting, but I'm not going to allow her to walk all over me because she knows I really don't want to divorce her. I am going to get the GPS and Voice Recorder though. And thanks for the support because I did feel all alone in this. I knew the decisions that I had to make, but its hard coming to the realization that marriage to the person that you thought that you were going to spend the rest of your live with is over.

[This message edited by evdawg at 9:13 AM, August 25th (Monday)]

Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: philadelphia
♂ 41947
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, August 25th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Not sure what kind of work you do, but if you are pretty sure Tuesday and Saturday are the days she is most likely to meet him, you might see if you can take a few hours vacation time and be your own PI or take a vacation day. If you are hearing a bunch of phone messages and today is Monday, something is up.
On your lawyer consultation, remember lawyer is for legal advice. He or she is NOT a MC.I believe you need to get papers drawn up immediately so that when you confront her and get told she refuses to cut it off you just hand them to her.
it takes minumum 90 days and you can stop it anytime you want but that will make it real quickly for her, especially if OM is in trouble because you exposed it.


If you read around the board, there are those without your courage and mindset that are also not stupid but ARE ACTING STUPID as they flounder around trying to make nice to WW who are shitting all over them and make excuses for them.

If I read you right, that is not your style. Congratulations to you for that. If any others BH are reading this, they should look at the time you first posted until now and use you as an example on how not to put up with infidelity.

Your user name should be I AM PRETTY FUCKING SMART


[This message edited by Badhurt at 9:26 AM, August 25th (Monday)]

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
♂ 44606
Member # 44606
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, August 25th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Badhurt. I still found myself getting down today. I was able to get the GPS and VAR. I just gotta find a spot to put them in her car. I was thinking under her seat but that's no good. She has a Fiesta. I have a Focus for work but I couldn't find a good spot. Any advice on that one?

Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: philadelphia
♂ 10337
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, August 25th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If her car has adjustable headrests, put it between the seat and headrest on the passenger side. Mic facing driver.

Posts: 1660 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
♂ 44606
Member # 44606
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, August 25th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Toby, you are a genius. I can put both in there and not have a issue. GOOD looking out. Beer for you

Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: philadelphia
♂ 41947
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, August 25th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Now that you have the snoop ware in place, your next job has to be finding the wife of OM pronto and exposing this. That is you best chance to end this quickly. That may not happen, but it could.

Everyone reading your post understands you are feeling down. Who would not be feeling down sitting in your own home hearing the phone go off from some guy who is fucking your wife.

That is why I need to tell you that you really need to decide if this is what you really want to do. Do not do the VAR thing because you are hoping to find out that she really is not cheating.

What you are probably going to hear is stuff that will make the hurt you have endured so far seem trivial. You already know she is cheating from what you have intercepted, so all you are going to be doing is inflicting more hurt on yourself to get more details and listen to all the gory talk that you are going to hear. Unless you live in a state that this will benefit you in a divorce, is this really going to help you.

I think the snoop stuff is best used when there is uncertainty or during R when you are trying to verify NC with OM. You have enough already to confront her.
Just a warning to be prepared for some tough stuff to hear.

You need to get to a lawyer right away. She has already threatened you with D, and she will not be a happy camper if the wife of OM ends her affair for her because of your action.

When that confrontation occurs, you need to be prepared. You will probably hear statements like these
"I have feeling for him. i can't just stop right away'
"I can't see why he and I can't be just friends"
The response top those statements is NO,NO,NO

You need to be prepared with what your demands for R are because if she finds either of the devices you are going to have to confront her. She will be confronting you and try to tell you you are invading her privacy. She lost her right to privacy when she spread her legs for another man.

Whatever you do don't let her know how you find out anything.

You will get a lot more advice IF she has any interest in r which she could have if OM dumps her. Then you will have to decide if being Plan B is acceptable to you.

Hopefully, one of the techies on here will help you find a way to trace that phone number. And if you do get wind of anything being planned or if she gives you some lame excuse about going somewhere on your long work day, you need to see if you can take a vacation day and be your own PI. it will save you a lot of anguish every night waiting to get to the VAR.

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
♂ 44606
Member # 44606
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know she is cheating. I want the VAR to gather more evidence plain and simple. I'm not doubting myself on that one at all. I really hope that some techie can get the number thing done then I can proceed. Like I stated earlier I have a appointment tomorrow with a lawyer. I'm not going to be the doormat. I'd rather be alone than with someone who is disrespecting me to my face. Once if anyone can give a hand with a reverse cell phone number look up, PLEASE let me know.

[This message edited by evdawg at 5:31 AM, August 26th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: philadelphia
♂ 41947
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Have you called your cell provider if phone is in your name and asked how it can be done???? Or just go into a best buy store and ask someone in cell phone department or Geek Squad???

When you have heard enough on the VAR, when you confront her she may give you some hints. If it is someone at her work, that may give you some leverage if you threaten to expose it there.

I hope when you meet with the attorney that you start him drawing up the papers for the initial filing. Based on all the phone calls you are hearing I do not expect it will take long for you to get what you need.

Does she have any idea you suspect anything????
Once the VAR is in place you might want to calmly give her a hint you suspect something without confronting. What that will certainly do is spur some conversation between her and OM on what they should do. Kind of like planting the seed in her head to give her something to think about.

Negative to that is it could go further underground, but if you are listening to her phone calls that will not matter. The GPS will also let you know where she is.

The most positive thing in this, if there is one, is that you are determined not to sacrifice your self worth to try to hold on to this marriage regardless of what she does. If you read some of the other posts, when the BH starts out by saying he has told his wife that he will tolerate anything except divorce, he is doomed to get twisted in the wind right from the start. She cannot be allowed to think that.

Stay strong. Good luck on the information you will gather. I hope it comes quickly.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 6:08 AM, August 26th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
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