"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

ch777 posted 8/25/2014 16:41 PM

OK so after D-Day WW promised NC with OM. I was checking the phone bill for any texts and found none. This went on for a month. I felt this was a positive sign although my WW still was not happy in our marriage. So Saturday she tells me she needs to get out of the house and be alone. She wants to go see a movie by herself and maybe gets some drinks after. I said you are going to get drinks by yourself, all the while thinking do you think I'm stupid or something. She has been caught in lies before so red flags were all over this.
My DS is 17 years old so I put him in charge and told him I was going out for a bit. There is a mall near where the OM lives that has a movie theater with a nice bar connected to it. Even though there are many closer to our home, I had that gut feeling we all have had that is where she was going. I drove there and found her car in the parking lot. I knew what was up but a little voice in my head said what if she is here alone. I had to find out so I did a stakeout. I parked far enough away and waited.
This was at about 10:30 PM and I waited until 1:00 AM. There are not many cars left in the parking lot so I can clearly see a car driving up and stopping at her car. Out pops WW and OM. She gets in her car and he leans in and kisses her. I flip out start my car and pull up right next to them in dramatic fashion. I jump out and start asking questions such as are they planning to move in together are they in love ect ect. I did drop a few insults and F bombs but I tried to stay in control of myself. As much as I wanted to pound in his face I didn't and told him he can have her and she can have the divorce and this killed what little hope I had for R. He then asked me if I was going to hit my WW again. I was like WTF, I have never hit my wife and never would. I said well it looks like she is lying to both of us. She just wants to make me a terrible person to him. I left went home and went to bed. She came home, we yelled at each other and decided to D.

FrmrBH80124 posted 8/25/2014 16:46 PM

Ch777,

I'm so very sorry for you. You need to D her immediately. She is a lying, unremorseful cheater.

Told the OM that you hit her? Seriously, WTF?

Your life will be much better once she is gone.

Again, I'm so very sorry.

nowiknow23 posted 8/25/2014 16:50 PM

So sorry, ch777. Sounds like she took the A underground.

If I can make one recommendation, it's to keep a VAR on you at all times for your own protection. If she's made a claim of you hitting her, she may do so again, especially if she's concerned about how the D is going to turn out financially and custody-wise.

Protect yourself.

orbit19 posted 8/25/2014 17:12 PM

Really sorry to hear that ch777

nowiknow23 is spot on buy a var and have it on at all times and DONT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE

wifehad5 posted 8/25/2014 17:38 PM

If I can make one recommendation, it's to keep a VAR on you at all times for your own protection.

I'd like to third this piece of advice.

craig2001 posted 8/25/2014 17:41 PM

If you haven't seen a lawyer yet, do so immediately. Your wife is a dangerous liar and there is a difference between lying and a dangerous liar.

You might explain to her the liabilities of libel and you would consider suing her for libel if she continues to lie.

She has already threatened you with taking the house and the kids. Well, if she takes the house, she better have the money to buy your half.

She most likely has been having this affair for at least 5 years and has been lying all along. I say that because it is too odd for her to again be with the same guy as five years ago.

I only read a few of your posts...is this OM married?

Whatever you do, keep a VAR going all of the time. Do not let her lie to others like that again.

And see a lawyer tomorrow.

ch777 posted 8/25/2014 18:29 PM

I will be getting a VAR tomorrow. OM was married for the five years they didn't see each other but he divorced this year and he contacted my wife to pick up where they left off .

dragon1128 posted 8/25/2014 18:42 PM

ch777

The VAR is a good idea, and I would also consider installing cameras where you can. By telling another man that you hit her she put you in danger. The OM could've decided to try to harm you in order to endear himself to her.

Get out while you can, dude! There are billions of women out there waiting for you.

Dark Inertia posted 8/25/2014 19:36 PM

I am so sorry. :( And for the record YOU don't have to be the person to move out.

Uhtred posted 8/27/2014 20:11 PM

Dang man that really sucks. It sounds like to me you aren't going to be losing much once your able to remove yourself from the drama. Kudos for not pounding the other man out. They never really know the danger they are in do they? I hope you come out on top brother. Stay strong.

Ostrich80 posted 8/28/2014 00:10 AM

As painful as it is, now you know. No guessing, no half ass,attempts by her to blow smoke. I'm really sorry she did this but I hope you hold your ground and make it clear that she's not in charge. Get an attorney and a 4 th motion on the VAR..sounds like she's dragging your character through the mud. Geez like cheatings not enough, she has to label you as a wife beater...low blow. I wouldnt trust anything she says or does from this day forward.

keptmyword posted 8/28/2014 00:32 AM

He then asked me if I was going to hit my WW again. I was like WTF, I have never hit my wife and never would. I said well it looks like she is lying to both of us. She just wants to make me a terrible person to him.

This is dangerous. She is in full-blown fairy-tale fantasy land. Every fairy tale has a damsel-in-distress (her), a knight-in-shining-armor (him), and the role you have been unknowingly cast in, the villain.

She has to demonize you in order to give herself what she thinks is justification for acting like a shitbag.

1) Know with certainty that what she has been doing has nothing to do with you or your marriage.

2) Get a Voice Activated Recorder and keep it with you at all times.

3) I would HIGHLY suggest not being in the presence of this woman unless it is in a public area with plenty of people around and preferably with security cameras able to capture all interaction with her.

4) See an attorney immediately and get to know what you are facing.

5) I cannot stress enough that you should FILE for divorce and have her served with the judge-signed Petition for Dissolution of Marriage papers. This will be the first of the consequences she needs to experience for her actions.

6) Get angry. Let your pain and distress turn to anger - and use that anger in a controlled manner.

7) Prepare for her to become nasty and have nothing but contempt for you. Why would she be this way with you? Because you are the one who burst her fantasy world bubble and brought her back to reality. You are the one she deemed easy and predictable enough to be her chosen villain/scapegoat. I have been divorced from my POS XWW for a year and a half and she STILL blames ME for the problems in her life - even though I rarely see or speak to her. Waywards are addicted to excuses.

And, know that you can do better and live better than what you had with this lying, deceitful, backstabbing adulterer.

Be the example to your son that you have morals, values, and principles that you live by - especially during hard times. Show him that you adhere to these values and don't tolerate dishonesty, deception, and betrayal of trust.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 12:35 AM, August 28th (Thursday)]

10yearsafter posted 8/28/2014 08:05 AM

Did you kick her out.

tushnurse posted 8/28/2014 08:10 AM

And just in case you didn't catch this.....

If I can make one recommendation, it's to keep a VAR on you at all times for your own protection

Unremorseful WW's have a habit of lies of abuse.....DO NOT FALL INTO THAT TRAP....

((((and strength))))

ch777 posted 8/28/2014 21:51 PM

Well we have filed for D. Unfortunately she has yet to find a job and can't afford to move out yet. She is going to her mothers on the weekends but she is here weekdays. This makes for some uncomfortable nights. Some nights there is anger and yelling and some nights we try to be civil.

Ghostrider posted 8/28/2014 23:12 PM

She's told you who she is. Take her word for it. D.

determinata posted 8/28/2014 23:36 PM

ch777,
Why is she only at her Mom's on weekdays? Have you gotten the VAR? You need to protect yourself.

I am sorry you have arrived at this place but there is no more limbo. And a few years out, there will be infinitely less pain.

Stay strong and strategic.

jjct posted 8/29/2014 06:27 AM

we have filed for D

What does that mean? You filed together?
You have the same L?

Because

Some nights there is anger and yelling

is very risky to your cause. Did you get a VAR?
It was suggested by a poster to have NC with this woman - she has shown her willingness to lie and put you in danger.
You would not be the first one on here to be shoved into jail on false DV charges - only to get out and find everything: bank accts, home, children, job - cleaned out and left destitute and alone.
Don't risk that.

and some nights we try to be civil.

Stick to this - with a minimum of interaction. Do not confront or argue. Stop. Minimize interaction to about zero my friend.
(I'd say refer all questions to; "Talk to my lawyer.")....but...