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Am I a jerk?

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Heal&Deal posted 8/25/2014 23:07 PM

Due to XH's shenanigans shortly after our D, I had him removed from the list of authorized adults to pick DS up. In order for him to pick DS up, I had to leave written notice with the daycare. This prevented XH from picking DS up without telling me, as had happened on numerous occasions - truly terrifying to get to your child's class to find them not there. Additionally, on the occasion that XH would let me know he was picking DS up, it would be when he was on his way to DS or as he was pulling away from the daycare with DS.

Fast forward 2 years to last week. DS started PreK at a new school. XH has been civil, helpful even, over recent months. He was excited and showed up to parent night. Then, when he realized that written notice would still be required for XH to pick up DS from school, he became angry and has not spoken to me or had any visitation with DS.

I feel like a jerk, like I crushed the good vibe, but I cannot imagine going back to the days when XH would disregard the custody agreement and just pick DS up whenever he wanted with little or no notice.

ArkLaMiss posted 8/25/2014 23:17 PM

Hmmmmm, I say smart move on your part! Too bad he's mad. If I were you, I wouldn't change a thing. He was using your son as a pawn to hurt YOU, so you took your balls and went home. Brilliant move on your part!

ArkLaMiss posted 8/25/2014 23:19 PM

Oh, and NO you're not a jerk. You beat him at his own game and he's pissed that he no longer has that control.

GabyBaby posted 8/25/2014 23:20 PM

Nope!
You did what was right and necessary based on HIS behavior. It sounds like he continues to dislike feeling consequences for his actions...

Jrazz posted 8/25/2014 23:26 PM

Isn't it funny how we sometimes base our perceptions of our actions on people's reactions? Like, we can do the right thing but if someone wigs out in response we call our own motivations into question.

If you remove his tantrum from the equation you will see that you have acted fairly and responsibly, with your DS's best interests in mind.

NOT a jerk.

(((H&D)))

gonnabe2016 posted 8/25/2014 23:53 PM

Has not . . . had any visitation with DS.
And you're wondering if YOU'RE the jerk?

What were the circumstances of him *realizing* that you would still have to okay him picking DS up from school? Sounds to me as if your ex had a grand scheme that you foiled and now he's pissed about it. He was being "civil, helpful even" while the daycare moratorium on him was in place but he's now decided to act like an ass? Seems to me as if his niceness was due to ulterior motives.......

His actions are proving that you are not a jerk for continuing the *written notice only* parameters.

Pass posted 8/26/2014 09:02 AM

he became angry and has not spoken to me or had any visitation with DS.

Okay, so he became angry, and has not spoken to you. He doesn't like the consequences of his past actions, but chooses to blame you. That's not really a surprise, right?

But he has stopped seeing his son? Please tell me how that makes sense to anyone. There is NOTHING The Princess could do to make me stop wanting to see my boys. Nothing at all. This guy is an arsehole.

You are not the jerk. You kept things the way they were because of his irresponsible actions, and he is choosing to punish everyone. Fuck him!

SkeerdButHopeful posted 8/26/2014 17:53 PM

"Isn't it funny how we sometimes base our perceptions of our actions on people's reactions? Like, we can do the right thing but if someone wigs out in response we call our own motivations into question."

SO TRUE!

Heal&Deal posted 8/28/2014 20:09 PM

What were the circumstances of him *realizing* that you would still have to okay him picking DS up from school? Sounds to me as if your ex had a grand scheme that you foiled and now he's pissed about it. He was being "civil, helpful even" while the daycare moratorium on him was in place but he's now decided to act like an ass?

XH realized that he the pick up restrictions transferred to DS's new school on the second day of the new school year when he texted to inform me that he was 10 minutes out from picking DS up. I texted back that, as with the daycare, he would need to provide notice of intent to pick up DS by morning drop off time to give me to write a note allowing it. He replied saying, "That's F*ing ridiculous."

XH does not think he should have to give notice when picking up DS (note: I am sole custodian and the custody agreement actually requires 2 weeks advance notice for visitation). He likes to pick up and drop off DS at will with no notice. He does not like being responsible for upholding an agreed schedule. He was quite excited about the new school, likely at least partially because he saw it as the end to the scheduling requirement. His image is also quite important to him and I suspect he does not like the message that him being on the restricted list might send to school faculty members.

XH operating method is typically parenting by convenience. Still, XH generally does something fun with DS, who loves his father immensely. I diligently try to make visitation easy because of this, but a line must be drawn. In this case, my limit is knowing, at all times, where my child is located and who is responsible for his care. Also, prior to the restricted pick up, it sucked to have no certainty of how my evenings would go, whether I would have DS, where I would have to pick him up, etc. Still, when my child looks at me, sadness in his eyes and confides how much he misses his daddy, I feel like a jerk, because I know in my heart that he would see his daddy more if the restricted pick up was not in place.

Amazonia posted 8/29/2014 00:41 AM

If you were being unreasonable about letting him give notice and then (you) telling the school to let him pick your son up, I'd think you were maybe being a jerk, but it doesn't sound like you're doing that.

Holly-Isis posted 8/29/2014 04:17 AM

The custody agreement requires two weeks notice?

That's not standard by a long shot. I think by giving in to him and not requiring two weeks notice you might be shooting yourself in the foot by setting precedence.

When you follow the custody agreement you're not being a jerk. You're protecting yourself and your son from a selfish guy who sees people as options.

7yrsflushed posted 8/29/2014 07:51 AM

You are not a jerk at all. Your XH is though. He actually sounds like one of those not so bright criminals from Scooby Doo. He got pissed because his "brilliant" plan didn't work. I bet he muttered, "and I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids" as he stormed out didn't he.


ETA:

because I know in my heart that he would see his daddy more if the restricted pick up was not in place.
No your son would see his Dad more if his Dad would pull his head out of his ass and act like an adult. There is nothing stopping your XH from scheduling months in advance if needed on picking up and spending time with his child. There is NOTHING that would stop me from spending time with my kids. If I had to sing "everthing is awesome" in the middle of Times Square during rush hour every day to see my kids I would. This is all on your XH and you have nothing to feel lke a jerk about. If he had been following the guidelines for the last few years perhaps you would have thought about easing up a bit but you can't because he hasn't truly changed has he?

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 7:59 AM, August 29th (Friday)]

lknup posted 8/29/2014 09:19 AM

You are protecting your son and ex proved this on day 2 of school. Your son deserves to have a set schedule and know what his day looks like. Imagine his heartache to hope his dad might pick him up day after day. This way at least he knows in the morning.


Edited to correct typo.

[This message edited by lknup at 10:40 AM, August 29th (Friday)]

BtraydWife posted 8/29/2014 10:17 AM

when he texted to inform me that he was 10 minutes out from picking DS up. I texted back that, as with the daycare, he would need to provide notice of intent to pick up DS by morning drop off time to give me to write a note allowing it. He replied saying, "That's F*ing ridiculous."

We had a birthday party at our house when my oldest was around 5 or 6. I locked the door to our master bedroom because I didn't want kids going in there and I wasn't about to play door security during the party. At some point a little boy came over to me and asked why my bedroom door was locked. I giggled and said "that's exactly why".

The little boy at your party got mad.

StrongerOne posted 8/29/2014 10:58 AM

"Still, when my child looks at me, sadness in his eyes and confides how much he misses his daddy, I feel like a jerk..."

Of course you do, because you are a good parent and a good person. But that doesn't mean you are a jerk. I think this is an opportunity for you to give your DS hugs and to say, I'm sorry you haven't been able to see your daddy. The judge decided that daddy needs to email me (or whatever -- make it a short version, not the whole chapter and verse from the decree) and daddy and I have to do what the judge says. That is, put it on the judge/decree and, indirectly, daddy (which is where it squarely lies, right?).

So sorry your X is such a butthead and is making what should be a nice time (starting a pre-K and a new school) into a hassle. I hope you took pix of your baby starting his new school! He will like to see those when he starts high school -- my DS went and looked at all his old school pix last weekend, before starting 9th grade. Awfully sweet, made me verklempt! Focus on the nice stuff, and put Butthead in your mental trashbin, where he belongs.

EvenKeel posted 8/29/2014 12:46 PM

Hold fast and consistent. Your DS is young so you have a long way to go. It is important that you stick with your precedent.

My X still tests stuff...it is like they think if they wait long enough, you forget. Nope.

(Not a jerk...he is...he needs to set a visitation schedule for everyone's benefit)

Heal&Deal posted 8/29/2014 21:30 PM

Thanks to all for the words of encouragement and advice. As always SI support rocks!

ruinedandbroken posted 8/30/2014 11:01 AM

XH operating method is typically parenting by convenience. Still, XH generally does something fun with DS, who loves his father immensely. I diligently try to make visitation easy because of this, but a line must be drawn. In this case, my limit is knowing, at all times, where my child is located and who is responsible for his care. Also, prior to the restricted pick up, it sucked to have no certainty of how my evenings would go, whether I would have DS, where I would have to pick him up, etc. Still, when my child looks at me, sadness in his eyes and confides how much he misses his daddy, I feel like a jerk, because I know in my heart that he would see his daddy more if the restricted pick up was not in place.

Nope. This is all on him. You have no control over his behavior. You not allowing him to walk all over you and the decree does not make you a jerk. It is HIS choice to not see his son.

persevere posted 8/30/2014 13:51 PM

All you are doing is setting a boundary so that you always know where your son is. There is nothing unreasonable about that.

I think it's great that you work with him on visitation so flexibly, but for your son's safety, and due to your X's track record of sometimes not notifying you, this is necessary. It's as simple as that.

SpecialK posted 8/31/2014 12:03 PM

The "proper" response he should have given, was, I realize I made mistakes in the past, I hope you can trust me when I say I have learned from them and just want to be a good parent to our child."

His reaction just proves how much he "hasn't" changed. So I would keep the pick up procedure in place. You have to look out for your child, not his ego.

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