SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Hopeful74 posted 8/26/2014 22:22 PM

So my STBX, who was up my ass 2 short months ago and couldn't do enough for me (except anything I needed), started pulling back and, because I know the signs by now, I invoked NC. I knew he was seeing someone but he denied it. Told me loved me and was waiting for me and I would see how much he loves me. Well, tonight, my friend from work texted me that he was at a local restaurant with a girl. And sent me a picture. I couldn't see the girl, but he was sitting at the table, gazing at her the way he gazed at me for 17 and a half fucking years. Why did he come back, just to do it again?! How can he just throw me away over and over again?! What did I ever do to him that he feels I deserve this?! I know I shouldn't be, but I am so hurt all over again. I don't even know what to do with this pain. I know that we are headed for divorce and I am the one that wants this, but how can he treat me like this?! We were supposed to take this year and work on ourselves, but he just keeps replacing me! And I know he is a piece if shit, so why do I keep letting myself get hurt by him?! I am having a hard time remembering that I am the prize when he keeps moving on.

[This message edited by Hopeful74 at 10:27 PM, August 26th (Tuesday)]

gma56 posted 8/26/2014 22:31 PM

We were supposed to take this year and work on ourselves, but he just keeps replacing me! And I know he is a piece if shit, so why do I keep letting myself get hurt by him?!

Because you love who you thought he was. :
sad: Remember when they show you who they are now, believe them.

Get back to the 180 and work it hard. it's for you ! NC except for kids and finances. He has shown you once again what kind of a man he is... His actions just showed you once again that he continues to lie and cheat. Protect your heart from him and know many of us did similar. Also a WS has months or years on us detaching from the marriage, it's new to us.
Many hugs,
Gma

Hopeful74 posted 8/26/2014 22:45 PM

Thanks GMa. I am not sure how to detach. I have not been talking to him, except for the kids (I did send him a text tonight oops!). But am not letting go completely. I think I'm on the right track and then BAM I get sucker punched again! I don't understand how you can someone you love over and over again!

deena posted 8/26/2014 22:55 PM

When they show you how they have become. Believe them.
They are not worth what they used to be. They are not who you fell in love with.
We have to get over this hurt and see them for who they are now.
I may not be in good place right now but this I can say. They will take as much as they can take from you.....leave you empty and drop you on the road. Then keep on trying to suck you dry.

Turn away.....run away....they are not worth thinking about.

gma56 posted 8/26/2014 22:56 PM

I visualized FT as a big diseased green walking penis. I even drew one, took pic of it and put on my wallpaper on my phone.
Yeah it was kind of hard not to remember what a lying prick he was and where that dick had been in.

Do whatever works to detach. Might want to post a new thread and ask what helped others.
Hugs you will do it for yourself and kids.
Gma

persevere posted 8/26/2014 23:01 PM

I'm so sorry - but it's for the best that you found out about his date. Now your NC will be stronger for you. He is not going to change, but if you stick to a strong NC your expectation will change. FTG and move forward. ((Hopeful74))

Hopeful74 posted 8/26/2014 23:08 PM

I know in my head he is not going to change and was probably never the man I gave him credit for. I just wish the rest of me would move on!!

persevere posted 8/26/2014 23:13 PM

You will move on - stick to NC - it will gradually get easier.

Hopeful74 posted 8/26/2014 23:26 PM

That is my plan persevere!! Thanks for the support!

Hopeful74 posted 8/27/2014 08:33 AM

I did break NC today to tell him that he needs to have a talk with DD if he is going to be flaunting his relationships in the county we live in (he lives with his parents 2 counties over), because it would be hurtful to her if she ran into him with his new conquest.

[This message edited by Hopeful74 at 8:34 AM, August 27th (Wednesday)]

SBB posted 8/27/2014 10:16 AM

These 2 articles helped give me Aha moments to understand the kick in the guts you describe

Because You're SO Special
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/a-vain-fantasy-his-one-true-love-the-exception-that-confirms-the-rule/

Romantic Infidelity
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

I hope they help. I know what a mindfuck it can be but you absolutely have to know that this has nothing to do with you or even the next victim and everything to do with his fuckedupness.

Hopeful74 posted 8/27/2014 10:20 AM

Thank you SBB. I will definately check those articles out!!

sparkysable posted 8/27/2014 10:43 AM

Actions speak louder than words. He's telling you all the right things, but then he's out schmoozing his new conquest. I'm glad your friend sent you that picture.

His words mean nothing, so you need to stop listening to anything that comes out of his mouth. Don't talk to him if you don't have to.

Hopeful74 posted 8/27/2014 10:58 AM

I have. I realized what he was doing about a month ago and invoked NC, which he has only been too happy to oblige. I do take comfort in know that his insecurities won't allow him to be alone, while I am actually ok alone. Not too lonely yet. I was just talking to my sister about maybr going out in a group setting with some friends (guys and girls). I don't want a relationship, but just hanging out and meeting new people. Any thoughts on that anyone? I have been in IC for 7 months, and am not looking to move into a relationship to replace my marriage. I have given this a lot of thought and am not trying to get over him dating. But, I would like to mingle.

Hopeful74 posted 8/28/2014 14:33 PM

Thanks for the supprt everyone! Just wanted to let ya'll know I am having a better day. Still not able to eat much, but that is working in my favor!!
Trying to look at all the positives now. Looking forward to moving forward and being a better me. I really don't want this to define me. And, I know any future with him, it would. I am learning about respect and boundaries and it is ok for me to demand both. And I have formed a new friendship with my neighbor that would not have been possible had this not happened. And I would rather have her as a friend than him as a husband. She is fiercly loyal. So, I guess it is a tradeoff.
I just wanted to share my positive thoughts today. Because, who knows? I will probably need more support and encouragement tomorrow!!

gma56 posted 8/28/2014 15:30 PM

That's exactly what you need to be doing ! Making new friends and doing social outings. Trying new things and doing what you love.
What you're doing is rebuilding your life !

Gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 3:31 PM, August 28th (Thursday)]

Hopeful74 posted 8/28/2014 16:11 PM

That's what I am working on. Thanks GMa! Quick question, when does faking it become making it??

SBB posted 8/29/2014 00:33 AM

You fake it till you make it - someday soon you'll realise you're not faking it.

The faking it is to get you out if your house and doing things. Life has a funny way of going on even when you feel like your world has collapsed. It is important to get out there and remind yourself that life does go on.

thebighurt posted 8/29/2014 00:55 AM

What did I ever do to him that he feels I deserve this?! I know I shouldn't be, but I am so hurt all over again. 

You don't have to do anything. What you do or have done did not affect this; its all about him and what he wants. Nothing else and no one else means anything.

Listen to Gma about detaching, doing what you need and rebuilding your life. She's right. Hugs.