She honestly expects him to talk to her and says she hates him (big deal) because he won't. He sent her an NC letter a while back, so he is not going to respond.
That is all very well and good. But the last time this happened (when he "dared" to ignore her), she went all bunny boiler on me and my family. So I am a bit nervous - to say the least - over here.
From what she says and has said in the past, here is her issue: because my H called her every morning so they could sext while he was on the way to work, and because they skyped every Saturday morning while touching themselves, and did little more than f--- 5-6 times each time they actually got together, which was usually once a month, she feels she owns him now. Yes, this hideous display of hormones running amuck went on for 6 years, but that entitles her to nothing. I found out, he ended it with her, and it is over. His little fantasy world ceased to exist. So has hers.
She has the audacity to tell me that she did not consider what they had together to be adultery (even though both of them were - and still are - married and, by her own admission, their relationship was nothing but sex, sex, and more sex). This is because he was her "soul mate" and he told her he loved her - every day. I'm sure he did - as a means of being grateful for her helping him get his rocks off.
She honestly believed she would end up with him and that he would dump me. Apparently he led her to believe that. I know she's read the same books I have. Don't they all promise their AP's that, with most of them returning to their spouses in the end?
I am convinced that she would be happy to have things go back just the way they were before I found out. After all, weren't we all happy then? And my answer to that is "Hell no!".
I was miserable during those 6 years, loving a man - deeply - who repeatedly put me down and criticized every word I said. Often in front of my children. I blamed it on the stress of his job and prayed every day during that time that God would heal our marriage. My sons weren't happy. My youngest son would often chase me out of the house as I ran out crying after one of my H's outbursts and beg me not to leave him, but finally told me he would understand if I did. My oldest son abuses his girlfriend and admits it is because that is how he saw his father treat me. No, dear OW. Nobody over here was happy during those 6 years. Not even your beloved AP - my H. It was often his guilt that made him lash out at me - at all of us sometimes.
And how happy were things in her household? Two years into their A, she made her poor H leave because she couldn't stand loving one man and coming home to another. And that poor guy waited the A out, fully expecting my H would leave her if, for no other reason, than because he had 2 sons who needed their father. (They have no children of their own).
The whole thing was a nightmare with a lot of very hurt people left in the aftermath of it all. Not to mention the horrible STD's she gave us (see my post in Reconciliation for details).
I am furious today and hope to God that she reads this post. She did untold damage to me and my family and my H, who is now extremely remorseful, is ashamed of every moment he spent with her, and wants nothing to do with her ever again. When I mention her, he cringes. He has wept countless tears over the extreme hurt she has caused me and eventually our youngest son, who found out about it all this summer.
I am not like her BS. I will not sit back and allow my H to f--- another woman while I just wait for it to come to the conclusion she is satisfied with. She doesn't like that it ended so abruptly? Well, tough tuna! That's how things like this end when one of the AP's loves his or her spouse enough to see it for what it is and ends it, hoping beyond hope that the true love of his life will forgive him enough to take him back. Which I have done.
I am sorry she does not love her H enough to give him the respect he deserves. My heart truly goes out to him.
But she needs to get a life and LEAVE US ALONE!!
To any of you who actually read through this ranting, thank you so much for being here. I needed this badly. I am on the brink of giving up over here.
Sending you strength, hon.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
Yes, I did contact the police and have started a file as they suggested. Apparently we have to wait until someone is "really" hurt before they can do anything. She lives in another state...
With what has transpired this week, I am very close to pressing charges. She slept with my H knowing she had 2 very serious, potentially deadly, STD's. I feel like egging her house and smashing her car - that's about as violent as I can get. But you get the picture. I have had it with her!!
Thanks for being there!! (((NIK)))
And if she still contacts him..or you? Press charges.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
NFS, she is not in control of him anymore (not that she ever actually was, but she thought that she was), so she is going crazy. I think it happens a lot. Your WH contributed to this problem by making a lot of empty promises. It may take a while (and I concur with the suggestion to have an attorney write a letter for you), but ignoring is the best route. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. Every contact from her sets you back some, I know.
After a few sessions with IC and continued pursuit by the OW, my H's IC told him to go complete NC. He told my H that the OW was probably a sociopath that would keep circling like a desperate vampire. She needed the contact to keep feeding her need. She could go away for a while and would circle back around hoping for a fix. Worse for us, after the first DDay, she was able to get him to break the first, flimsy NC he put in place and they went from a strong EA to a very passionate PA. She thought she could wear him down.
Encourage your H to stay NC, no matter how persistent the OW continues to be. Have everything forwarded to you immediately. If she ramps this up, have a third party send her a very terse letter, preferably a lawyer.
Did you contact her BH about her diseases? Have the attorney mention those, too, in his letter to the princess.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
Like she hasn't given us enough of her STD's and other crap. H wants to dive right back into that nightmare. About as much as he wants his eyeballs poked out. They are delusional and that's what frightens me the most. I think OW is what she accuses my H of being - a Narcissistic Psychopath. I have never been so frightened of anyone in my life...
I have not let her BS know about the STD's yet - I am too scared. I know I will do it, but after my H forwarded her message to me, I froze.
I KNOW she will go crazy when I tell him. He has been "on her side", which is really weird. He told my H (when my H called to apologize to him a few months back) that he thought my H was only thinking of himself and of me and did not consider what emotional damage he had done to his wife. I am not even sure what that means. What did he expect my H to do? There has been emotional damage all around. Yes, I will tell him but have no idea what to expect from them. Wish me luck!
Sounds like an attorney is your only hope, unless the house falls on her.. crosses fingers :)
When I was going through chemotherapy, which was the first time I had cancer about 13 years ago, my H and I could not make love for several months, but as I recall those days were some of the most loving days of our entire marriage. The way we supported and comforted each other and our children. The way we could laugh when my youngest son asked me to please put my head on (meaning my wig), which I tried to wear 24/7 - just to make him happy. The way we just held on to each other when times got especially rough. Now that was love...
Yes, the audacity of her remarks and actions is shocking. You hit the nail on the head. Thanks for being there. Today I feel hollow and really need friends like you.
And, yes, SpecialK, I have yet to figure her BH out.
[This message edited by needfriendshere at 4:19 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)]
I don't know where you live. I'm in NY and the lawyer explained that he'll prepare a letter, including a copy of the law she'd be violating if she didn't cease contact. If she still did it after getting the letter, he'd have a State Trooper go to her house to warn her that she'd be arrested the next time. Fortunately, the letter alone did the trick. (He had it delivered via a process server so she couldn't claim she never received it.)
It brought us blissful silence. No more cutesy texts (we were slow blocking her number only because we didn't know how. She got another phone.) No more emails, no more IM's, zippo.
I do hope that an attorney can help you with this. He did caution us that it could create a mess along the lines of her claiming he contacted/encouraged her but that never happened.
Gotta love the entitled OW's and their magical crotches.
"Maybe the BH is the OW's submissive. It sounds as if he is part of her sick game".
Well, that's all fine and dandy if that's how they want to conduct their marriage. It is not how we conduct ours. Can you believe that she MADE him move out when she fell in love with my H and he just waited around for my H to end it?
Thanks for your input, LivinginLimbo. Blissful silence would be a blessing! BTW, "magical crotches". I like that. Made me laugh.
I wish she could accept that and move on. She is, after all, married - for 31 or 32 years.
It sounds like you are doing well now. I am really happy for you.
As long as the men are in it only for sex, when the threat of losing their partners and their families arises (i.e., on Dday), they are able to often drop the OW's flat without a second thought. I have asked my H if he misses her - after all they carried on their A for 6 years - and he swears that he doesn't even think of her anymore. He goes on to say that the thought of her and what they did now sickens him. But she - someone who is also married and who is also supposedly attempting to R with her BH - just can not and will not let go.
Is it because women invest more emotion into these relationships? Even when they are all about sex?
This part confuses me...