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Mind Movies During Sex

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YooperLady posted 8/27/2014 21:49 PM

WH and I are working towards R. Mostly it's going well and we are having sex again...really good sex. But right in the middle of it, WHAM! I get pictures of them together and wonder if he did these things with her. Did he touch her like this too. Is there a way to shut that off?

Amazingyetlost posted 8/27/2014 23:15 PM

YooperLady

yeah, the worst is that they pop up when you think you are being swept away... sigh... I just try to push them out, but when I can't I actually yell in frustration, and that puts a damper on the action... usually also leads into the "did you do this with her..." thing. I really want to get past this but, from reading about so many others who struggle with this, it sounds like it takes a long long time. I have to work with my IC more on this, no spectacular insights on how to avoid

YooperLady posted 8/28/2014 15:13 PM

I appreciate the comments. Do you also wake up in the middle of the night and think about the whole situation? I do that and sometimes work up so much anger that I can't get back to sleep.

ReconcilingWife posted 8/28/2014 15:28 PM

I wish I knew how to turn off the mind movies when we are physically intimate (I haven't gotten as far as intercourse yet!). I find it a bit easier if I've had a couple of glasses of wine. It doesn't necessarily shut the movies off, but I'm more likely to sort of shrug at them.

And yes, I wake up in the middle of the night, think about things, and get angry. Today, for instance, I've been awake since 3:30 AM.

needfriendshere posted 8/28/2014 15:42 PM

I am sorry you are experiencing this too. My H and I have re-established a wonderful love life, but, like you, those images will not go away. I even nightmare about them once I fall asleep - almost every night.

I wake up from those dreams and can not get back to sleep. Sleep has been minimal since Dday.

I have a question: do any of you ever have day-mares about this stuff? Images that suddenly flash before your eyes of WS and AP together? That started about a month after Dday and still happens when I least expect it - while my H is driving us somewhere, during dinner out together, while we are out sight-seeing. Out of the blue - wham! I see it and it scares me to death and ruins our day...

Ghostrider posted 8/28/2014 21:35 PM

It takes time. A long time. I don't think you can short circuit it. Your brain needs to process it. You think less about after 1yr, less after 2. It's been 3 for me. Don't think about it much. But on occasion I do. Doesn't mess up though.

dameia posted 8/28/2014 21:57 PM

I hate to say it but I think it's just a matter of time. I still get the mind movies and I'm 2+ years out from DDay.

The good news is they do happen less frequently now. But they're still there and I doubt they will ever fully go away. Now I just accept them, acknowledge that it sucks, its painful, and totally unfair.

Questioningall posted 8/28/2014 22:13 PM

I get those thoughts, too. I finally asked WH if there was anything we've done that he and LTAP didn't do. He came up with one position. So I know he did everything else and I have to push those thoughts out of my head every time. Once, I told myself that his time with her was in the past and this time with me was now and for the rest of our lives. It helped.

I never cared what WH did with any women who came before me. But now sex is more complicated and less special because he went outside our marriage for it. There was one time in the last 5 months I didn't think of LTAP when WH and I had sex. One time.

WillThrive posted 8/28/2014 23:22 PM

I feel so normal! The mind movies are horrible. I have not been close to intimacy - the images just play and desire goes away. Questioning, you pegged my thoughts exactly. I never gave a thought to the women before, but him having sex with someone else during our marriage bothers me. A lot. It doesn't help that he belittled my sexual abilities during the a, I just didn't know why. And now that I do, there's a soundtrack to go with the images.

WillThrive posted 8/28/2014 23:23 PM

I feel so normal! The mind movies are horrible. I have not been close to intimacy - the images just play and desire goes away. Questioning, you pegged my thoughts exactly. I never gave a thought to the women before, but him having sex with someone else during our marriage bothers me. A lot. It doesn't help that he belittled my sexual abilities during the a, I just didn't know why. And now that I do, there's a soundtrack to go with the images.
If anyone has ideas on turning them off, I hope they'll share.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 8/28/2014 23:34 PM

I don't want to promote alcohol as a "fix" but I don't think a little would hurt to relax you before sex. It usually helps me if I'm having a really tough time with the mind movies before being intimate. If your opposed to that or feel you can never be intimate without it, talk to your health care provider.

Hopefully time will help us all with this!

Lark posted 8/28/2014 23:46 PM

Normal :( the mind movies are awful. During the worst early ones, I asked my husband to slow down on things, talk to me. Talk.to.me. Not dirty talk, just talk so I felt "here." and in the moment.

I also have nightmares of them together. Of me walking up to them. I had a horrible nightmare once where I was having a miscarriage and OW1 was sitting there laughing at me. I wake up and think of them. I sit there in the middle of the night thinking of it.

It sucks. I hate it.

damaged13 posted 8/29/2014 02:41 AM

That happened to me early on when we were still having sex. It's really hard to deal with, always made me cry during. We went through HB & me reclaiming my territory but it didn't last long. Like others, I took the alcohol route but I'm not much of a drinker so that didn't last long either. As far as I can piece together the timeline, he started asking for something new in bed after he was with the skank but long before I knew about her. I'll never be able to do that particular thing again He denies that he did it with her. I spend most of the night online because I can't sleep

I have a question: do any of you ever have day-mares about this stuff? Images that suddenly flash before your eyes of WS and AP together?

NFH, that just happened to me today while I was cleaning the bathroom. I wondered if he took a shower with the skank, something we've always enjoyed. She spent a weekend with him here while we were engaged long distance. He has lived in our home for 25 years. I've lived here with him for 9 years. I'm pretty sure every woman he's ever been with he fucked in "our" bedroom, although he denies that too. I never thought about it before DDay but now it haunts me. Time to move.

Amazingyetlost posted 8/29/2014 03:45 AM

Yooperlady

I appreciate the comments. Do you also wake up in the middle of the night and think about the whole situation? I do that and sometimes work up so much anger that I can't get back to sleep.

I've been working on four hours a night sleep for three months -- I've exhausted my store of sleeping pills, and they simply don't keep me asleep anyway... And that is four hours cumulative, having woken up most nights not being able to breathe from anxiety. I don't remember if bad dreams are doing this. But anger in the night and not being able to sleep again, oh yes

YooperLady posted 8/29/2014 12:18 PM

I always thought I could handle a betrayal because it's not really about me, but about his lack of a moral compass. HA! How arrogant on my part. I am so devastated by this some days I'm crippled. I've never asked if she spent the night in my bed because I'm afraid of the answer. I also have never asked about how the sex was with her, same reason. When I finally have a good day, it's usually followed by a bad one. Sucks is too mild of a word.

needfriendshere posted 8/29/2014 13:42 PM

Yooperlady, I know what you mean. I wouldn't want to know that either because I really like our bed. But I DO know that H skyped her on Saturday mornings sitting in the recliner while they touched themselves, and that makes me want to burn the recliner! Seriously. I hate that chair.

And I know that he made a point of getting to work early a lot of the time when no one was around so he could call her and they could "make love over the phone". (She lived in another state, so they actually got together "only" about once a month). I hate his office chair too - in fact, I hate his whole office. I re-decorated it recently so that it would have my touch in it and remind him only of me, but it doesn't help.

Nightmares, day-mares, triggers - it's all one big mess. And we are all broken...No two ways around it.

trustedg posted 8/29/2014 14:24 PM

I would love to be able to shut them off!!! Damn movies during sex, usually just when it is getting good.

I keep thinking about the movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, where a guy has just one portion of his memory erased so he can forget a woman. I need that for me. Wonder if hypnotism would work?

And yes, I wake up it the middle of the night and it just pops into my head. I can't stop the thoughts, can't get back to sleep. At first I was just sad and would sometimes start crying, now I am angry, I want to get up and break something. I can think of several things I'd like to break but won't go there ;-)

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