I'm not sure what to do with myself. BW told me last night our M feels like it always has and I may be doing all this internal work and introspection, but to her I seem like the same person and no different. She said she doesn't think we work as a couple, and we have nothing in common, we haven't had sex in over a week, she's been depressed, doesn't initiate conversation with me, plays on facebook and other mindless things. When I suggest doing something together she says she doesn't *want* to do anything with me. I told her that all I can do is tell her how I feel and keeping saying how sorry I am. She said "well, that's not making it better"
It's hard living our lives when we're waiting for the other shoe to drop, and now with our anniversary in a couple days, the other shoe is being waved around. One minute she's telling me what restaurants she wouldn't mind me taking her to, and the next she's asking me if she should move out and how she might just go out by herself that day. She says she was willing to work on things and really forgave me the first time. Now, the second time she feels "I killed it" and she doesn't love me.
I don't know how to get this rollercoaster to go back up again. Each time it goes down I wonder if this is the end. She says she's been increasingly depressed about us and she doesn't want to feel like she's leading me on by staying together.
All this is completely understandable and I know I'm the one who caused all this. I did what I could. I gently told her that if she's "checked out" then there's nothing I can really do, but if there's anything left at all of her feelings for me (I pointed out that she sometimes slips and calls me dear, and other things), that she should stay and let time work its magic and maybe someday she might want to do things together and have date nights etc.
If she needs to detach, I understand that it's for her own sanity. If I truly killed it and it will never get better, then I want her to be happy even if it's without me, and I told her as much. I told her I guess I wouldn't make any restaurant reservations - if she decides she wants to go out with me, we can do so spontaneously, and if she doesn't that's fine too.
I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm having a self-pity party, but I'm definitely sad. It's hard to be cheerful in the face of all this. I wish there was something more I could do for her and for us.
It feels out of my hands, and yet, the things she says makes it seem like I should be doing more.
I'm not sure what though. She thinks our son isn't getting enough exercise and I need to do something with him that has exercise. He doesn't want to sign up for any sports. He does like laser tag, but that's not exactly a lot of exercise, plus that can get expensive.
Our son feels like he doesn't have any friends either and our depression has definitely rubbed off on him. I thought about getting him horseback riding lessons but that doesn't seem like much exercise and I'm not sure he'd be into that. He mentioned archery at one point, but again, that doesn't seem like much exercise.
He hates going for walks and bike rides. He is currently taking drum lessons that I bring him to once a week, and he's not at the level where it would be nearly enough exercise either.
I feel guilty when I play video games or do anything for me that's relaxing. We played rocksmith together for a while, but not lately.
I don't know if she means the things she's said, or if it's just a temporary down on the coaster, or if it's our anniversary in a couple days that's really making it hit home for her lately. Her biggest trigger is me, so I try to give her space. But that doesn't feel like I'm working on anything either, just avoiding each other and making it worse.
We both haven't been sleeping well. A lot of tossing and turning. I still waved goodbye when she left for work and she waved to me.
All I have is my son. I'm here. I'm posting. I'm reading. I'm practicing mindfulness and active listening and being responsible without expecting a pat on the back each time. But it doesn't seem like enough. What am I missing?
I know I'm not responsible for her feelings. I've been working real hard on letting go of the outcome. But it doesn't seem like it. Not from this post anyway. But I'm being honest. These are my feelings and worries.
What do I do? When she gets home, should I already be on the couch? Is she waiting for *me* to say, ok, fine, you're right, lets separate? Because that's not what I want and I'm not going to say it. Is that just me avoiding conflict if I'm the one that waits? Do I just go about my day as though she never said these things to me? Do I say "Hi, how was your day?" when she gets home and climb into our master bed like everything is going to be fine?
This, like, all my other vents, is pointless, doesn't resolve anything and just makes me look like I don't really get the depths of her pain and I'm not remorseful.
She admits that we know each other better than anyone, but says maybe we're just meant to be friends.
I feel very much alone these days though I know I'm in good company here. I told her I know it takes years to heal from what I've done and that I'm willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes.
This post is all over the place. I could just delete this. Just having a hard time. So what do I want? Reassurance? A kind word? Someone to say, hang in there? Is that being selfish?
My heart hurts. Her heart hurts. We're all hurting.
[This message edited by SelfishHusband at 9:54 AM, August 28th (Thursday)]