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Do we ever feel like we are special to our bs ever again?

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RSEB posted 8/28/2014 13:45 PM

I do not post hardly ever anymore...but I read EVERY day. I am a FWW who had a 6 year LTA. Dday was almost five years ago. I have been NC since dday and have read the books, done years of IC and managed to get my BH to MC when I used to be able to talk him into going.
I have read SO many threads lately posted by the BS and how they dont see us (the WS) as "special" any more...my BH STILL says that to me. He has taken the route of trying to bury my LTA as far down as he can. I have tried to help him but I have learned that I cannot force him to heal. So have any of you fellow WS ever felt truly special again to your BS? I just wish more then anything that I knew a way to make my betrayed BH happy "

Darkness Falls posted 8/28/2014 14:31 PM

I feel special to mine. He is choosing to marry me again; I can't think of a way to feel more special.

However, I have been in a kind of years-long plane (plain?) of flatness where I feel like....nothing is really special anymore when it comes to relationships. Having the affair, D-day, divorce, XH's rebound with xBFF, etc. all have served to show me that everyone is replaceable.

I'm glad we're getting remarried because I want to have children with him and it's necessary for that. But as far as the "special" aspect? I can take or leave it.

Used to be that being special...the MOST special...in a relationship was the most important thing in the world. I'm nothing like I used to be.

StartingFreshNow posted 8/28/2014 14:45 PM

My BH tells me he needs me and wants me. I don't feel I deserve this at all, but he does it and I do feel special from it. Last night I asked him to hold me because I was having a bad day and he did in the most perfect way I could have asked for. Yes, he makes me feel special.

However, there are definitely moments where all I feel like is a piece of ****. It's the good times that keep me going, that's for sure.

Sal1995 posted 8/28/2014 17:13 PM

A spouse's affair sends some unfortunate messages to the BS:

- You are expendable.

- I'm not exclusive to you.

- You are dull.

- You are substandard as a man/woman, and as a lover.

- You are replaceable, either completely or in certain aspects - such as intimacy.

- We should date other people...or at least I should date other people and you should be none the wiser.

- My love for you is conditional and depends largely on the way you make me feel at a given moment.

Regaining specialness after that isn't easy, if it's possible at all. I know my wife is struggling with this at the moment. No words of wisdom, just wanted you to know that there are many on both sides of this who are struggling. Best wishes.

underrepair posted 8/28/2014 17:45 PM

BS here -- hope it's ok if I reply… Sal1995 makes many good points. Yet I also think it depends on the relationship and on the situation. We are 8 years into recovery after a 10-year LTA. Time and perspective help a lot. My WS will never be as special to me as when we married, but 10 years of deception is still hard to wrap my head around. I am not sure I have really forgiven or that I trust 100 percent (or that I ever will). But we still have a close relationship and a lot of good times together. It might never be the same and it might never be as special, but the relationship is intact and we are generally happy.

Ghostrider posted 8/28/2014 21:18 PM

It's been 3yrs for us. My WW feels the same way. She wonders why I never say "I Love You". She's noticed that my birthday and Mother's Day cards to her are more about her accomplishments and not my Love for her. We talked 3hrs about this earlier this week. It's one of the unintended consequences of her actions. I don't really believe in Love. I asked her why she cared? She'd told me many times she loved me as she left the house to meet her OM's. It bothers her that I don't view her as special, makes insecure at times, but it's something she'll have to come to terms with. I have.

I don't feel special. I realize that I'm replaceable to her by someone she barely knows. I've come to terms.

I've told her that I think she's a better person now. More self-aware. But if she came to me tomorrow and told me it's over, I'd move on. I enjoy our time together today. But I don't plan far in the future. I have no illusions of forever.

apathetic1 posted 8/28/2014 21:56 PM

^^^. What GhostRider said.

Special was our wedding day.
Special was our vows.
Special was our honeymoon.
Special was our time together while we were being cheated on.

Special is a spouse who remains true to their vows.

Special with a cheater is gone, and never will be again. The blinders are off.

canwerebuild posted 8/28/2014 23:18 PM

Why be with someone that you don't consider special?

Lark posted 8/28/2014 23:43 PM

Why be with someone that you don't consider special?

I asked my husband that many times. Why do WS stay with their BS during As? I don't understand. (I don't mean this as a snark, and I know this isn't the place to ask those questions since there's a thread, just wanted to echo that I feel the same and feel the same confusion).

I'm still pretty raw post-dday, and I do feel my husband is special, especially when I see him wrestle with himself and work hard. However, like Sal1995 and apathetic posted, the A has really destroyed any surety I had that we were rocksolid and has really made me feel that in his eyes, I am not special. I am stable. I'm a great mom. I'm even a great wife. I'm not special though. One of the crappiest things he said was I asked him how he viewed me during the A, and he responded "I don't know. You were just.... there."

tl502 posted 8/28/2014 23:57 PM

My love for you is conditional and depends largely on the way you make me feel at a given moment.

This is how I felt for so long. I guess I still do to some degree. My h doesn't mean for me to feel this way. It's just the nature of the beast. It's hard to feel special after betrayal.

underrepair posted 8/29/2014 00:18 AM

Why be with someone that you don't consider special?

Why secretly cheat on -- and stay with -- someone who is supposed to be "special" to you?

I think both questions are pretty complicated. Nothing's black and white.

jb3199 posted 8/29/2014 00:48 AM

Why be with someone that you don't consider special?

Because, unfortunately, for many of us, that *specialness* has been removed from our existence...in current or future relationships. That innocence and blind faith that we had are forever gone.

I don't want to get into too big of any generalizations here, but this is the case for many of us. And while I am certain that many have reconciled to a point of having that special feeling rekindled, I doubt that this is the majority. Too much trauma has been inflicted.

Infidelity is a life changing event. I never would have thought that I could be so decimated, but that was because my WW was that *special* to me. And if the most important person in my life could do this, how do I put her back in that category that was solely reserved for only us?

saturnpatrick posted 8/29/2014 00:57 AM

JB nailed it.

Its not that spouse is no longer special. Its that special no longer exists.

ETA:
In the past I never thought once of what I would do if our M failed. It was special to me because I 'knew' that we would make it. I built my life around her.

Now, I run mental drills on what I will do if M fails. I've built my life since the A around having a safety net in case it fails. If she cheated now, I am so ready to just walk away. Supposing I met someone new after, I would do the same thing with that person also.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 1:02 AM, August 29th (Friday)]

SparrowSoul posted 8/29/2014 01:36 AM

Its not that spouse is no longer special. Its that special no longer exists.

ETA:
In the past I never thought once of what I would do if our M failed. It was special to me because I 'knew' that we would make it. I built my life around her.

Now, I run mental drills on what I will do if M fails. I've built my life since the A around having a safety net in case it fails. If she cheated now, I am so ready to just walk away. Supposing I met someone new after, I would do the same thing with that person also.

What SaturnPatrick said. At this point, I don't think I can ever get "special" back. It's largely about self-defense, anymore.

Believing in "special" is what led me to ignore my gut about my WBF's A. Believing in "special" let me think that this one was really different. Believing in "special" let me think that he actually valued me enough to do what was right.

I don't believe in "special" anymore. I believe in taking care of myself if/when he shows me, that one last time, that he doesn't believe in "special," either.

standinghere posted 8/29/2014 03:10 AM

My WS is, was, and always will be special to me.

Me, on the others hand...I've been shown what this is like, had my face rubbed in it, been in fear that I was going to lose my family, felt the agony of a spouse betraying me, watched her come in after taking the kids to meet him, and known I had done nothing wrong and nothing to deserve it, and screamed alone in my car on the way to work while slamming my hands into the steering wheel why I shout "why, why, why" over and over.

- You are expendable.

- I'm not exclusive to you.

- You are dull.

- You are substandard as a man/woman, and as a lover.

- You are replaceable, either completely or in certain aspects - such as intimacy.

- We should date other people...or at least I should date other people and you should be none the wiser.

- My love for you is conditional and depends largely on the way you make me feel at a given moment.

Do I feel special now? Yes.

But it is the specialness that has that all behind it.

Ghostrider posted 8/29/2014 07:41 AM

JB and Saturn captured my thoughts.

I won't find special again. Not with her or anyone else. It's been nuked. But maybe "special" never existed. It was my illusion.

I'm cool being with her. We have fun. She's a good mother. But I see her more as a girlfriend. If it ends, I'll move on.

I'm not angry at her. I've chosen to stay.

Melian40 posted 8/29/2014 12:57 PM

I think that not feeling special and not fully trusting is a baggage many of us will carry for the rest of our lives.

There is a saying:"If someone burns his tongue from eating soup, they will blow the yogurt"

seethelight posted 8/29/2014 15:00 PM

I don't feel special to my wayward spouse.

He had an affair. That made me feel very unspecial.

If he feels that I no longer feel he is special, he has to realize that he caused me to feel that way not I.

I think it sounds as if you are turning the tables on your spouse and claiming victim status.

[This message edited by seethelight at 3:02 PM, August 29th (Friday)]

seethelight posted 8/29/2014 15:04 PM

Why be with someone that you don't consider special?

Why cheat on someone that you chose as your mate, and would choose over an affair partner on dday?

seethelight posted 8/29/2014 15:52 PM

ETA:
In the past I never thought once of what I would do if our M failed. It was special to me because I 'knew' that we would make it. I built my life around her.

SaturnPatrick:

That's on target for me, too.

In my mind, my husband and our marriage was special because, I thought we had a great marriage and we were not a cheating statistic.

Now we are just another cheating disaster statistic.

We can't put that genie back in the bottle.

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