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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: The fog is lifting
GotLost
♂ 44678
Member # 44678
Stop  Posted: 3:12 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to be brief. Not even sure I want to post yet. But thank you to everybody here. The stories, the FAQs, the healing library, all are helping.

My story, as short as I can make it: 20 year plus great marriage. Recent, multiple As (E and P). Have not been caught. Pain I caused a (knowing, aware) AP made me wake up and see what I'm doing to myself, to my marriage. To my wife.

I've quit. NCed APs. Other than that, I'm taking it slowly right now. It's hard to realize I caused this. Me, just me. Selfishly. Looking internally for reasons I did this. Not to blame the reasons, I just want to know how I could... Nothing was missing, everything was perfect, and yet I strayed, after all these years. Why?

Go ahead, 2x4 me. I might respond, I might ignore you. Right now it's about what's best for my marriage and my wife (and secondarily, me.) But know you're all helping just by being here and sharing. I think I'd better leave the stop sign up though, no BSs yet.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2014
ThatGuyNoMore
♂ 42899
Member # 42899
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I strongly recommend 2 things:

1. Individual counseling to go along with the readings to help you answer your question "why?" It's the question that all of us struggle with, and it takes a deep commitment to be honest with yourself to find that answer, which leads us to #2...

2. Tell your BW the full truth. No holding back anything. Yes, the revelation may end your marriage, but being completely open and honest with your BW is the first and most important step in the healing process.

Good luck. We'll all be here to support you through this.


Me and BW 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
D-Day 3/5/14
I lied to everyone, including myself.

Posts: 282 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: US
familyfirst
♀ 42651
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi GotLost. Welcome and congratulations on quitting your As. No lecture from me on not confessing. I haven't either. But stopping and dealing with the aftermath of an A on your own comes with its own challenges. First is the obvious lack of accountability. I for one had a few failed NCs. Is this the first time you quit? How long has it been since you had any contact with an AP?

It's also harder to explain making the changes in your life that will prevent you from having another A. I had a hard time explaining why I wanted to start counseling. Counseling is extremely helpful in figuring out your Why, but if you're not in IC right now, you can use SI to work through your issues. That means opening up and explaining your situation and how your As took place (one night stands? co-workers? Ashley Madison?). I get not wanting to reveal details. I held back a lot in the beginning because I thought, Wouldn't it just be my luck to have been so careful in my A and then get caught with my postings on SI?! But let go of those fears in the name of mental health. There are some extremely bright people on this site who have seen it all. And as unique as you think you are, chances are they've seen a similar situation and can offer some priceless feedback to help you.

Best of luck to you. Stick around and post. It really will help


Posts: 252 | Registered: Mar 2014
GotLost
♂ 44678
Member # 44678
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, both of you.

I'm not going to confess. At least, not anytime soon. I will probably go into this more, when I'm ready, but it goes against my entire philosophy. (Is it possible to TT SI? I don't want to do that.) I would not want to know, if somebody had hurt me that way. And it seems like I would only be causing pain.

familyfirst has hit on one of my major issues right now, though. Accountability. It doesn't seem fair that I'm going to "get away with this." Scare quotes because I haven't gotten away with it. I've hurt myself, one of my APs, and (to them, unknowingly) my family. But what does "fair" mean?

The other question, "Is this the first time I've quit?" Yes. But I don't anticipate any issues with that. I don't have problems stopping behavior I see as destructive. I don't have an addictive personality and I've sworn off of things before. Much more minor, but still, a record of success. "I spend too much time playing this silly game on the phone. I think I'll stop." = never played it again (even though it's still on my phone, didn't even bother deleting it.) I'm more worried about *why* I didn't see these things as destructive behavior until now. Boundaries?

I wish I could do IC along with the readings, but that's not feasible. Small community along with nobody thinking anything is wrong. Also, I'm not sure I could be counseled well. Hmmm. Ok, reveal this: Perhaps borderline NPD? I've taken the online tests. I'm not, according to them, and I'm probably not even as close as they indicate. Immodestly but truthfully, I'm extremely intelligent. Everything has always come easily to me. School, money, etc. I'm afraid I wouldn't respect most counselors, and I don't have a big enough pool to find one I could get along with. Perhaps this is part of the problem? (I don't think so, because my wife, my kids, my family, my friends, I *do* respect all of them. But I'm questioning everything now.)

I'm floundering. I don't know what to do. Ask questions please, help me get it out.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2014
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If therapy isn't an option, reading books is possibly the next best thing. What have you read so far?

You said you're looking internally. What have you dug up? As cliche as it sounds, many of us WS share a common history of childhood trauma or neglect. My guess is that, like me, you're guilt- and empathy-challenged. That usually has roots in childhood. Identifying FOO (family of origin) issues doesn't excuse our behavior, but often holds the keys to our recovery.

Welcome to SI.

Is it possible to TT SI?

Yes. We've got finely-tuned bullshit detectors around here, but clearly every cheater is a liar, so we generally don't judge.

BTW, you'll find plenty of extremely intelligent, accomplished people here. Infidelity doesn't discriminate.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
GotLost
♂ 44678
Member # 44678
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said you're looking internally. What have you dug up? As cliche as it sounds, many of us WS share a common history of childhood trauma or neglect. My guess is that, like me, you're guilt- and empathy-challenged. That usually has roots in childhood.

I think the first part (guilt- and empathy challenged) may be close to the mark. (I don't know that I know what guilt is. I always consider carefully and make my choices intentionally. I *chose* to do this, I thought it was best at the time. I don't feel guilty. Remorseful, and "I made the wrong choice." but not guilt.) But I don't think that has any roots in childhood. I had the perfect family, perfect childhood. (That's probably hard to believe, but I trust SI's bullshit detectors. American dream family.) Maybe something to do with my mother's death just after the longest and most important A started? She died of cancer, it was a two year process. That happened December 2012. (That outs me, if my AP shows up here. Fine. I think we're as OK as we can be, given that I've ended things. If you see this, please keep NC.)

I was selfish. I wanted to try things. I wanted to play. Somehow I convinced myself it wouldn't hurt anybody. And I can't deny, I enjoyed it. And it certain ways it made my marriage better! ("I should feel this good with my wife. Why don't I? We should do things together again!") This is part of my confusion. I didn't feel like anything was missing, and I fucked up anyway, and I used that, even while in the fog, to reconnect with my spouse. Sick?

Maybe that needs more explanation. I was very clear, with every AP: "I love my wife. She will always come first. This is just for 'fun.'" And sometimes, when I felt like doing something with an AP, I thought to myself, "wait. The most important person to me is my wife. Why don't I do that with *her*." And I did. Holding hands. Travel. Cooking together. Yet, it took almost two years to click, how horrible I was being, carrying on with APs.

If therapy isn't an option, reading books is possibly the next best thing. What have you read so far?

Only "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J. MacDonald" I didn't get too much from that. I have several tabs open to other books from the "books" thread, and I will be ordering a few. Most of them don't seem to address my situation - penitent and remorseful and owning it, yet not caught and not willing to reveal it.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2014
GotLost
♂ 44678
Member # 44678
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two things I forgot to add in that last post.

1) I register a bit on the Asperger's spectrum. Not high. I probably make too big a deal of that. You'd never know unless I told you. Just sensitive to noise, bad on the phone, not sure when a conversation is over, introverted (in the modern sense that I need alone time to recharge, not that I hate crowds or public speaking.) That sort of thing.

2) Yes, I noticed that there are plenty of intelligent people here. Ridiculously, that's part of why I feel "at home" here. *Everybody* seems to be using proper grammar. You all are wonderful.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2014
DrJekyll
♂ 43618
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GotLost

Have not been caught.

Do not wait to get caught. The BS always finds out. The truth always comes out. Your BS will be looking for anything to hold onto. And confessing the whole truth may just give her the one thing that keeps you together. Everyday that goes by your BS is going to rewrite, as you are lying and withholding the lie from her. Everyday that you do not tell, is causing more damage. Read the book "not just friends" and learn about disclosure of your A. Read "how to help your spouse heal from your A" So you do not make the tragic mistakes.

Pain I caused a (knowing, aware) AP made me wake up and see what I'm doing to myself, to my marriage. To my wife.

This is good that you woke up, but seriously you saw how you have hurt your AP? That is what woke you up? How have you been treating your BS?

Nothing was missing, everything was perfect, and yet I strayed, after all these years. Why?

This is a good place to start. But you are incorrect. Nothing was missing? Of course something was missing. Not from your M, but from deep inside you. Boundaries, morals, self worth? What is missing inside you?

I would not want to know, if somebody had hurt me that way. And it seems like I would only be causing pain.

This is a cover your own ass philosophy. and if you would not want to know the truth of your situation that is putting your head in the sand. And that you would rather live a lie. If somebody has the capability to hurt you that badly, wouldn't you want to know? If your best friend was screwing your BS, you would rather them not tell you, so that you can keep being best friends? So your best friend could come over and cook out with you and watch sports with you. Never knowing what he is doing behind your back? Because your best friend caused you that pain? I think that this is a rationalization you are using to try and keep your M. Because if you look at it as anyone else besides your W. You would want to know.

I don't have problems stopping behavior I see as destructive.

doesn't match with
I'm not going to confess.

unless you do not see lying as destructive. and then that is a whole different animal.

Perhaps borderline NPD

the good news is, if you are full blown NPD. you would never consider the fact that you might be. Because NPD can never admit there is a flaw in them. and for this reason NPD cannot be fixed. Because to fix something first you have to acknowledge there is a problem. So then if you are considering this, where did this start? NPD symptoms can be do to addictions, can be learned behaviors. So where does it start? Parents? Mentors?

I had the perfect family, perfect childhood.

Really? Is that the truth? Or is that how you choose to remember it?

Maybe something to do with my mother's death just after the longest and most important A started? She died of cancer, it was a two year process. That happened December 2012

So to make sure I have this straight, your mom got sick, and so you had an A? Why does your mom have this much power over you? Why would your mom's death cause you to lash out at your BS? Did your mom not like your BS?

And it certain ways it made my marriage better!

How is this? The moment you had an A, your M ended and you ripped your BS heart out. The only thing now is that she doesn't know it yet. Not telling her does not protect her. Not doing it in the first place does. Again she is going to find out. It is just a matter of how. it may be years down the road. and your AP may have a moment of clarity, or bitterness toward you and then she may tell your BS.

Yet, it took almost two years to click, how horrible I was being,

So you do not think that your BS noticed you were being horrible to her? I was an ass to me BS. I knocked off my behaviors and was being nicer, treating her better. and 9 months later the A all came out. Not when I was shitty but when we were getting closer as a couple. That is what you have to look forward to. and when that happens, all of the bonding and reconnecting you are doing now will be a lie in her eyes.

penitent and remorseful and owning it, yet not caught and not willing to reveal it.

the reason they do not address it, is because you cannot be penitent, remorseful, or owning it. while you are hiding it. By not telling the truth to your BS, you are definitely not owning it. Owning your actions means taking accountability. And you are not accountable as long as she doesn't know. They are in direct opposition to each other.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 894 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
SlowUptake
♂ 40484
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go ahead, 2x4 me.
"One is happy to be of service".

Immodestly but truthfully, I'm extremely intelligent.
Well on the surface, it looks like low self esteem isn't one of your foibles. From what I'm reading arrogance may be though.
One of the first things I had to do for my recovery from being a selfish, entitled arsehole(WS), was to find my 'humble' and cultivate it.

I'm not going to confess. At least, not anytime soon. I will probably go into this more, when I'm ready, but it goes against my entire philosophy.
Just what philosophy would that be, the "No matter what, I'm going to protect my cheating arse", school of thought?

penitent and remorseful and owning it
Not seeing it yet. But there's always hope.

You will be inundated with all sorts of reasons to confess.
Mostly the reasons are to do with what's owed to your BS and that's fair enough.

The best reason IMHO is if you don't confess and face consequences, where is the motivation for real change? Because so far your own conscience without external motivation hasn't been up to the task.

Good luck on your journey to a better you.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 8:02 AM, August 29th (Friday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Lostinmyownhead
♂ 44545
Member # 44545
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure how to quote someone, so I'm just going to go ahead and plunge right in anyway...

First of all, biggest red flag I see? You sudenly realized your A(s) was/were bad things because you hurt an AP? What about BS? When did you start to consider her feelings and what it would do to her? Why were AP's feelings so much more important/resonant?

Second, you say you can quit destructive behaviors whenever you feel like it. You've had multiple A's. Why exactly were these not destructive, given that you're married? Were you "entitled" to have A's for some reason? If you were the exception to the rule, why?

As far as your A's helping your marriage? I have to flat-out call bullshit. You know why they helped? Because you felt like the man because some other woman thought you were hot stuff (eho kibbles? not totally sure on the terminology there). You know what helps a marriage? Not having more A's. If you can't enjoy time with your wife or make an effort to do more things with her without practicing on OW, then things were definitely not as perfect as you think.

As far difficulty in finding a counselor? I can respect that you're an intelligent person. Not knowing you, you might be merely smart, or you might be in the upper level for MENSA. But I guarantee when it comes to psychoanalysis, you are a raging moron next to a trained professional. We all are (no offense anyone!). That's why we're in therapy. If you can't "respect" a counselor, that's a pure ego issue.

Finally, what is the philosophy that makes you think concealing your A's for an undetermined period of time, and only revealing them on your timetable is a good idea? I tihnk it's a terrible one, but I'm genuinely curious about how you view the issue. Damage control is all about protecting yourself from being hurt, not your BS. She's going to be devastated, and it will not get any better by being dragged out.


Posts: 166 | Registered: Aug 2014
Zugzwang
♂ 39069
Member # 39069
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, you state there was no FOO issues. Maybe your childhood was too good. Leaving you spoiled and entitled lacking the empathy needed to acknowledge the pain you were causing your BS for your own "playtime". With a touch of conflict avoidance since you are taking the time out to notify your AP on SI to NC as well. Other than the obvious not telling your BS because "you don't want to cause pain". Newsflash...you already have. I agree with others...you are being selfish...you don't want to lose your wife and she deserves to know. IMHO...it sounds like your mother played a huge role in your life and you are lost without her guidance and accountability. In addition...you do NOT respect your wife. If you did, you wouldn't of had an affair. I would focus on the role your mother played in your life and marriage.


WH(me) - 38
BW - 38
2 Kids 4 and 2
In R trying to work things out.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Apr 2013
GotLost
♂ 44678
Member # 44678
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is going to be long. So much to respond to.

Read the book "not just friends" and learn about disclosure of your A.

Ordered.

I had the perfect family, perfect childhood.

Really? Is that the truth? Or is that how you choose to remember it?

Really. Upper middle class "Leave it to Beaver." But at some point this becomes "thou dost protest too much," so I'll leave it for now.

This is a good place to start. But you are incorrect. Nothing was missing? Of course something was missing. Not from your M, but from deep inside you. Boundaries, morals, self worth? What is missing inside you?

Boundaries, morals. Good call.

So to make sure I have this straight, your mom got sick, and so you had an A? Why does your mom have this much power over you? Why would your mom's death cause you to lash out at your BS? Did your mom not like your BS?

This is the first thing you've said where I feel misunderstood. I wasn't saying that was the reason, merely offering it up as information, a possibility. Her illness, and grief after her death, were certainly huge factors in my life (in our life!) at the time. My mom and BS were family, BS loved her as much as I did, and she loved BS.

I don't know the reason I did this. But I do know it was about me, selfishness, what I could get, rather than lashing out at my BS. (Why I ignored my BSs feelings is something to consider, but it was not anger towards her.)

One of the first things I had to do for my recovery from being a selfish, entitled arsehole(WS), was to find my 'humble' and cultivate it.

Tell me more about how to do this. Because I *am* a selfish entitled arsehole, and the As aren't the only symptom, just by far the worst.

As far as your A's helping your marriage? I have to flat-out call bullshit. You know why they helped? Because you felt like the man because some other woman thought you were hot stuff (eho kibbles? not totally sure on the terminology there). You know what helps a marriage? Not having more A's. If you can't enjoy time with your wife or make an effort to do more things with her without practicing on OW, then things were definitely not as perfect as you think.

Another great call. *I* wasn't as perfect as I think. Even before the As. New realization. (Great. More that's my fault.)

But I guarantee when it comes to psychoanalysis, you are a raging moron next to a trained professional. We all are (no offense anyone!). That's why we're in therapy. If you can't "respect" a counselor, that's a pure ego issue.

I completely agree with this, maybe that's sort of what I was trying to get at. I'm going to put my so called "intelligent" brain up to the task of figuring out how I can get into therapy. I was making excuses. There must be plenty of counselors I could respect, and even if I don't find one, I can still learn.

Finally, all the things I didn't quote, I'm listening, not ignoring you. All related to my philosophy, hurting people, my lying, confessing, etc. I need to think, to process what I've done, where I've failed my philosophy and/or where it may be wrong. If I respond now I'll just be arguing and I don't want to do that.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2014
familyfirst
♀ 42651
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW I quit the A on my own too. But just stopping didn't make it all better, didn't make me better. I missed it. I missed AP. I couldn't un-know that kind of excitement. I started seeing all the routine and responsibilities in my life like an albatross. I recognized how distant my H and I really were and became depressed thinking this was what I was destined to have forever. What I'm trying to say is the ability to quit does not mean you are cured. They call it white knuckling here on SI. You need to dig to kill that part of you that wanted the A in the first place.

One of my Whys from IC might fit you. (1st world problem alert) I'm successful in my career, have 2 beautiful children that are accomplished in sports and academics, I live in a big house, my H and I drive nice cars, we take vacations where ever we want and have no debt. All this can be a detriment. My IC said I'm used to conquering, and I've run out of challenges. She said if I got a new job, or if one of my children was hurt or became ill, I never would have considered the A. I would have poured my time and mental energy into the more worthy cause. But I was fresh out of worthy causes and had mental energy to spare. Idle hands... The A with all the track covering was mind Olympics and highly stimulating. The deception bothered me, but I remember pridefuly thinking "I could write a book on how to have an A and not get caught!" That 7 month ago smug version of myself makes me want to puke now.

But why did I choose an A for kicks instead of ....training for a marathon or climbing Mt Everest? Because I had poor boundaries, because I want external validation, because the right situation presented itself, because I'm afraid of becoming old and unattractive, because I was lacking close emotional connections with friends and family, etc. You get the idea. Now I work on my boundaries, all the time. Now I foster family relationships beyond small talk to hit that deeper need. All those symptoms need addressing. First step is to start identifying all those reasons.

I like this line

Is it possible to TT SI?

yeah, it is. Presumably you are here and posting because you see there might be a benefit? TTing in this arena will only delay your progress.

What type of As did you engage in? How long did they last?


Posts: 252 | Registered: Mar 2014
GotLost
♂ 44678
Member # 44678
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my Whys from IC might fit you. (1st world problem alert) I'm successful in my career, have 2 beautiful children that are accomplished in sports and academics ...

I've usually waited a bit to respond, to think about what I wanted to say, but oh gawd. Yes. Calling it "one of my Whys" makes it feel like an excuse to me, but I see *all* of that. Free time and no challenges (I made enough money and quit my side business, I already ran my marathon, work is easy.) And the validation, and the horrible boundaries. Not so much the lack of close emotional attachments, but just wanting more. Wow.

As for the TT to SI, I'm working on a timeline. This is painful. I'm a selfish immoral idiot. Some of you are going to judge me even more than you already do.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2014
DrJekyll
♂ 43618
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for the TT to SI, I'm working on a timeline. This is painful. I'm a selfish immoral idiot. Some of you are going to judge me even more than you already do.

To be clear on this. We do not judge what you have done. There are people on here that have done less, and people that have done more. We are not here to judge your past. We all have pasts. We are here to go on this journey also, and help each other along the way. To give support when needed, and a swift kick in the pants when needed.

It doesn't matter what you did. what matters is that you are honest. If you are really looking for help/support we cannot help if you lie to us. Frankly it will be a waste of time. And any advice may not actually fit.

And about being selfish, how to change that? Be selfless. A big part of that is confession to your BS. Right now you are being selfish by keeping the information from her. the selfless act would be to disclose to her. and let her make her own mind up. and then if she chooses to stay. how much more authentic that would be.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 894 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
GotLost
♂ 44678
Member # 44678
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Timeline:
1987 In high school. Started dating BS, first and only girl I ever dated.
1990 Made out with another girl after a party. Had clear invitation to spend the night. Made excuse and left, because I “had intramural football in the morning.” Smooth…
1991 Married BS. We were virgins.
1998 Experimented with best friend's wife, with his knowledge and approval. But not my BSs. Twice.
2001 Other time with friend’s wife. Good, nothing special, thought I got it out of my system. Still good friends with them.
2010 Mom diagnosed with cancer
2011 “ONS” in another city. Mind-blowing sex. Not really ONS, since it led to a brief EA and plans to see each other again, which fell through. Contact trickled off, haven’t spoken to her in a couple of years.
2012 Made OkCupid profile. “Married, looking for more, no drama, no professionals.” Never messaged anybody, just visited other profiles.
2012 Future long term AP contacts me on OkCupid. She’s in an open marriage, her husband knows all. Met for drinks. EA almost immediately. PA fairly quickly too. Lots of sneaking around on my end.
2012 Mom dies.
2013 3 month EA with coworker, all texting online. Long term AP knows and encourages flirtation at first, then gets jealous and asks me to stop. I do. Definitely would have become physical if we hadn’t stopped, although she would have been cheating too.
2014 (2-3 weeks ago) Started PA with an acquaintance in another city. Immediate strong connection, online EA when I return home. Caused issues with long term AP which led to inner realization “WTF am I doing?”
Last week NCed APs, joined SI.
Now: posting, working, processing

[This message edited by GotLost at 1:45 PM, August 29th (Friday)]


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2014
DrJekyll
♂ 43618
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GotLost

First, brave of you. looking at your past and putting it out here. a good step toward accountability.

Next i would like to say, if you had told your BS back in 1998 and took accountability then. You may not be here now. This is one of those important points to coming clean with your BS. A big part of not keeping secrets and being truly intimate with your BS.

there definitely seems to be tendencies before your mom was diagnosed but you really stepped up your game there. I would look into this more. there seems to be a connection.

I find it a little funny that your AP got jealous of you cheating on her with another AP.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 894 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
familyfirst
♀ 42651
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm impressed with your transparency on the timeline. I think it shows how serious you are about changing. Not sure how much you've read on this site, but often an A is compared to an addiction. Your timeline looks like you've been escalating, needing more and more to get the high? You're also very fresh off of NC after years of getting those thrills. Serious questions for you
1) Was it your conscience that made you finally quit or just the realization that you were over your head juggling 3 women and all the associated bullshit? Again, no judgement, either way you stopped and that's the most important thing. I'm just wondering where your head is.
2) How firm were your NCs? Were they soft? "I'll always love you but it's just too hard.." or firm "Having an A was a terrible mistake. Never contact me again, I mean it, never"

I know you're proud of your cold turkey skills, but my advice to you in the short term is to identify the times you would interact with AP, and plan to have an alternate activity. Stay away from your computer, leave your phone in the car, cancel business trips, start taking walks, internet search every college football player, anything to feed your busy brain.

The next big move is to go mental NC. No day dreaming about any AP and what you did. No drafting pretend emails in your head. Try this and then let us know how you did. This was very hard for me and let me know how messed up I really was. I kept my A going in my head for way longer than I care to admit.

Keep up the good fight this weekend!


Posts: 252 | Registered: Mar 2014
GotLost
♂ 44678
Member # 44678
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find it a little funny that your AP got jealous of you cheating on her with another AP.

It's more than a little funny, both in "ha-ha" and "that's odd" senses. I see the humor in it. It helps to laugh a little.

1) Was it your conscience that made you finally quit or just the realization that you were over your head juggling 3 women and all the associated bullshit? Again, no judgement, either way you stopped and that's the most important thing. I'm just wondering where your head is.

A little of each. I was over my head, and I broke it off, and then the realization hit. The HUGE sense of relief. "It's over!" (Conscience? maybe not right then, but definitely now.) That's where my head is - I'm happier right now than I have been in a year, despite my shame and realizations of selfishness.

2) How firm were your NCs? Were they soft? "I'll always love you but it's just too hard.." or firm "Having an A was a terrible mistake. Never contact me again, I mean it, never"

Somewhere in between those, with long-term AP. When I broke it off, I hadn't come here yet. She was actually the one who suggested us getting support online, at forums, and the first one to suggest NC (I wanted to be "friends"...) Then I started reading here, and we decided NC was best for both of us. "New" AP and I weren't very entangled yet, I said "I can't do this, it's best if we don't talk." We may have to at some point a few months from now, but if we do I will treat it like a workplace situation.

I will definitely let you know how the mental NC goes. So far so good.

Keep up the good fight this weekend!

That's the one thing that will be easy. This weekend, at least. We are leaving on a camping trip shortly, and I'll be off the grid until Sunday.

Thank you both (and everybody else) for the support. I think I'll be here a while.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2014
mephistopheles
♂ 27375
Member # 27375
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, September 1st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fellowships have great advice on how to do disclosure. Get to a meeting, get a copy of the SA (Sexaholics Annonymous) White Book and read it. It's short.

If you still can't find a meeting, you can go to the SA website and order the White Book and lots of other literature on line. Don't do the disclosure thing half-assed, piecemeal or just to relieve your conscience. Trickle disclosure can do more damage than good. Disclosure is best done under the supervision and guidance of a therapist. But at least use the SA guidelines.

Good luck,

Meph


Posts: 53 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: NJ
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