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Newest Member: bob74 (46035)

User Topic: Family wedding this weekend - Do I have to go???
dragonfly14
♀ 44473
Member # 44473
Question  Posted: 3:55 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband's brother is getting married on Saturday (His 2nd marriage to a woman he cheated with while married to his first wife). It's a tiny ceremony with six people total if I go. His brother, his mother, and her husband are coming out from Kansas for the event.

There are multiple reasons I don't want to go. The biggest one being our current situation and I don't really feel like spending an entire day with his family pretending like all is ok. Especially family that has been married multiple times.

The ceremony is taking place in the mountains. So having to give up part of my holiday weekend to drive in mountain holiday traffic to be with people I only kind of sort of like is not my idea of fun.

My husband has said it wouldn't be a big deal if I don't go. We're already leaving the kids with my mom so we don't have to put them through all of this. My husband is going as he will be the best man. He doesn't think any of his family will care if I go or not (which I believe, because that's how they are.)

I do feel guilty over all of this. His brother was in our wedding party and regardless of how this wedding came about I would feel bad for totally snubbing it. On the other hand I feel I do deserve to be a bit selfish and take control over my three day weekend and make it as stress free and relaxing as I possibly can.

What do you all think?


DDay: 8/6/14
BS - Me
WH - SA, Online Affairs, Email Sexting, CL Ads.
Married 12 years
2 kids

Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2014
somanyyears
♂ 26970
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..
His 2nd marriage to a woman he cheated with while married to his first wife).

..there's reason enough NOT to go! Going would condone the BIL actions..

..absolutely, do what you think is best for YOU.

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4134 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay at home by yourself and relax. Given the circumstances, I wouldn't go.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5237 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
trying22
♀ 44592
Member # 44592
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see how this would be difficulty. Its family so you feel obligation to go.. but under the circumstances I think you have every right not to go.. you should do what you heart tells you too.. if you do go it may bring back strong memories and upset you so hopefully your spouse will be understanding and be there for you..


Me-33 BS Him-32WS
Married 5 years
Office affair lasting 9 months in 2012
When he told me Feb 2014

Posts: 69 | Registered: Aug 2014
determinata
42124
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If his family won't care about your being there or not and you don't want to go, gently, it sounds like you are getting in the way of your own contentment. Why?


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Chicky
♀ 18622
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have adopted a practice in my life that has helped me tremendoulsy when dealing with this type of issue, especially since I have the inlaws from hell (the supported and encouraged the affair ):

Regardless of the situation or occasion, if I DO NOT WANT to do it, I DON'T. Point. Blank. Period. (and I don't offer any other explanation other than, "I just don't want to")


There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 576 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
LoveHerStill
♂ 31504
Member # 31504
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would just tell them the truth if it was me in this situation. I would tell them that I do not support a marriage based on infidelity. I feel that attending would signal that I condone adultery, and I do not.

Brother or not, I am surprised that your husband is attending after what he has done and what he has put you through.

Bottom line, if you don't feel comfortable going, don't. That is what healthy boundaries are all about!


Me BH-45
Her WW-44
Married-20yrs
Together-26yrs
D-Day 4/11/10
Divorced 9/13/2010
XWW Married OM 5/23/2011

There is hope. Once you truly commit to focusing on yourself and letting go, it comes back, and you will appreciate it like never before.


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Seattle, WA
deena04
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, August 30th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you aren't comfortable, tell WS and have him go without you if he chooses. He can offer up the explanation as long as you are not painted as the bad guy.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1307 | Registered: Dec 2013
Ghostrider
♂ 32604
Member # 32604
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, August 30th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see why you have to participate. It's your call. Not going is completely understandable to a calm rational thinking person.


BH (me), WW (her), 2 boys

"You will never be the same. You accept it. You will never have closure. There is no such a word as closure. Closure does not exist. Life is different. Now you get to choose what you're going to do with it."


Posts: 435 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 9

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