"Don't believe everything you think"....you may just ruin everything.
I know this may turn into a rant but I have a topic I would like to address and gather opinions about.
I am a wayward spouse. I am the one who destroyed what could have been...
I have never had strong boundaries. Never a strong, respectful and loving relationship with myself. Never could say "no" very well.
When things got hard in my relationship I couldn't even say no to myself. I had an affair and nothing will ever be the same.
I am in a situation now where my bs believes that because I broke the boundaries of our relationship and therefore had ceased to respect his that I no longer deserve my own.
Now, I completely understand and respect that I gave up the the right to ask for trust, to be believed unconditionaly, privacy and just about any life outside of my relationship.
My problem is personal boundaries and the right to stand up for myself and our children. It has been two years since dday and I will admit that I have endured (with no disrespect to the pain of a betrayed spouse) an immense amount of anger. Name calling, belittling, shaming you name it I have accepted it. Unfortunately our children have experienced violence in our home now as well. Yelling, swearing, bs smashing things etc.
I can't allow this to happen anymore yet I am afraid that if I leave now I am failing my children even more by giving up. Again. I want our relationship to work but when I try to stand up for myself and protect our children from hearing this stuff everything becomes about my affair. If I ask to not discuss affair because kids are in the house I am trying to avoid responsibility. If I am assertive and say "I will not communicate with you in this manor, if you continue to speak to me this way I will leave the room" I am running. Sometimes I ask him to back off the discipline because I see him triggering and can sense that he will project anger at them, this becomes that I am a bitch.
I am so lost today. I want space. I need boundaries, I need to set boundaries and advocate for my kids. If I do this am I selfish? Am I putting his needs aside and being narcissistic? What about him and his boundaries? I feel as though he has stood up for himself and our children so I am not inconsiderate to him but, am I just delusional?
"A" I know you will read this. Im sorry if it hurts to see it. I need help.
DDay#1 September 2012
DDay#2 May 2013 (the remainder of my tt)
Children 4 and 6