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I want him SO Badly!

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tornapartheart posted 8/28/2014 20:33 PM

I can't figure it out for the life of me why I am so overtly-sexually charged by WH after what he's done to me. I'm repulsed by his actions but now that he's moved out I want him even more, sexually. I found myself lusting after him like crazy and we have had sex (once) since our separation that was very hot and heavy. I find myself wanting him at all hours of the night and being flirtatious with him. Today he picked DD and I for a lunch date, and when DD was getting in her room I pushed him up against the kitchen sink and started rubbing myself against him and let my hands wander down south. We were very close to kissing and I could tell he was getting excited since he, erm...rose to the occasion? But he pulled away and said we shouldn't. I asked him why not and I kept teasing him and I could tell he was resisting the urge to touch me. He said we "shouldn't, until after we start MC."
I don't know why he's doing this, or what I'm doing.
If I'm trying to validate that he still finds me attractive or that I can still keep him on his toes. I don't know what it is but I've even found myself climaxing to thoughts and photos of him. Even when when we have been out with DD, I am F'ing him in my mind.
I feel crazy because after how he betrayed me, sex with him should be the last thing on my mind. But for me it's the opposite and I want to be all over him every second of every day. Can someone tell my if you've experienced this also or why you think I may be doing this?? :-/

BlueinStLou posted 8/28/2014 21:45 PM

BTDT. Sadly, I must caution you that by engaging in the hyper sexuality (hysterical bonding) with someone who is not committed to R, not remorseful, not honest, not anything, you will actually be making all those things less likely to happen.

After all, you are basically saying - Oh, you're getting cake from her? Well have some cake from me too! Is that what you want?

What you are craving is the physical closeness that can "feel" like a "real" relationship. During intense sex, your body can take over and you can escape the emotional pain. But it can be the worst thing to do.

What I found out later is that by giving the high frequency, high intensity sex, I was setting myself up to later learn that on a day when we had amazing sex TWICE, he had sex with her too - same day.

Be careful - and protect yourself from more pain and hurt.

Hugs to you. Be careful.

BtraydWife posted 8/28/2014 21:57 PM

Hysterical bonding is common and nothing to be ashamed of but blue is right. It's dangerous with an unremorseful wayward and also until you both test clean for stds.

The urge is normal. Last thing you expected though huh? Yeah it kinda throws people for a loop.

Jrazz posted 8/28/2014 22:23 PM

COMPLETELY normal. Not everybody goes through it, and it lasts different amounts of time for everyone.

I needed 3x a day every day for a couple weeks or I freaked out. I have never experienced anything like it.

Please take care of yourself. Know that if you have unprotected sex with him you are putting yourself at risk for anything he has brought home. If he is waiting for MC.... maybe he has more to confess.

(((tornapartheart)))

SparrowSoul posted 8/28/2014 23:18 PM

Totally normal! Hysterical Bonding, as it's called, is pretty standard for many couples going through this mess, but as others before me have said-- If your WS is unremorseful, fight the urge! Get yourself a nice little battery-operated pal in the interim if it helps you cope, but until you know that you two are on the same page, really and truly... Yeah, just don't. And damned sure don't if you haven't seen a clean STD screening for both yourself and for him.

KatieG posted 8/29/2014 04:31 AM

I look back on our early HB with regret now. So the advice here is good. I didn't have the full story and felt duped all over again, he was denying he had sex with her at the time and so it was pre STD screening too. Not good.

Its an instinctive response but I think you need to try and resist the urge. I think he has more to tell you so minimise further damage/regret now.

Hurtbuthopeful35 posted 8/29/2014 06:03 AM

I felt this way as well. WH seemed remorseful and I wanted to bond with him, to reclaim him, to keep his attention so he wouldn't think of her, to know he was attracted to me, and to show him I could meet his needs. I didn't know about SI or hysterical bonding; all I knew was I wanted my man to be MINE.

Though I can't say I regret it, I can see how this can backfire and cause a distraction. WH was happy with it but also felt like I was over compensating--and I was. Had he changed his mind afterwards and decided not to at, I would have been devastated! It did jump start our dormant sex life and we are now having sex a couple to a few times a week. At first the craving was non stop and I'm glad that has settled bc it was difficult to function.

As far as STDs were concerned-- yes, I was a bit worried however, he had been sleeping with her and I for over 3 years and was last with her 4 months prior to Dday so I kinda thought I was already doomed. In retrospect, a partner can carry an STD without you getting it for a long time. So it would be best to steer clear till after testing (do it ASAP). I called my GYN and they didn't even make me go in for an appt; they set me up with bloodworm right away. Have your WH go to bc he could carry something.

His saying "no" may have made you feel rejected. Clearly, he's still attracted to you. He just may be using a part of his body that he hasn't used in a while--his brain!


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