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Do they ever get it?

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Hopeful74 posted 8/28/2014 20:55 PM

I'm sure that it is a sillily question, and it really should not matter. But, do they ever get it? Years down the road, does it ever occur to them exactly what they have done?! Do they remember what we BS truly are? Or will we forever be the monsters that they made us in order to have their affairs?

Heal&Deal posted 8/28/2014 22:03 PM

It seems different for everyone...what the mind remembers and forgets, where the focus lies. Almost 4 years after Dday, the way I remember the relationship and feel about what it was is definitely different than how I remembered it as I processed through grieving the M.

For most humans, I suppose there is some kind of evolution to our thoughts as we process through life. There is, however, no way of precisely predicting what a person's thoughts will evolve to.

[This message edited by Heal&Deal at 10:03 PM, August 28th (Thursday)]

fireproof posted 8/28/2014 22:20 PM

Honestly No. Do they think about it and possibly regret it- I would hope so. But someone who would really get it would not have done it in the first place.

You are right- it doesn't matter in the sense you will be on your way in life and to ponder this question would be turning around on your NB. It simply is a non-factor.

Good luck!

Hopeful74 posted 8/28/2014 23:13 PM


You are right- it doesn't matter in the sense you will be on your way in life and to ponder this question would be turning around on your NB. It simply is a non-factor.

I understand this. It makes me sad that I will be remembered this way by someone that I invested so much in. But, then again, I don't have a very high opinion of him either!

[This message edited by Hopeful74 at 11:14 PM, August 28th (Thursday)]

dbellanon posted 8/29/2014 01:00 AM

The way I see it is that they have no real reason to reevaluate the story that they have told themselves. What do they have to gain from being honest with themselves except guilt and shame? It's working for them. It makes them feel better about themselves, and it makes others see them in a better light when they sell their twisted narratives to them. I can't say anything about the long term, but over the last year my XWW's blame shifting has only gotten worse. It's possible she could come to, but I don't see any reason why she would. The more she tears me down, the more she builds herself up. It's all false, of course, but she isn't the first person to build her life and reputation on a foundation of lies, and she won't be the last.

Sad in AZ posted 8/29/2014 01:45 AM

The best way to look at this is "Who cares?" Once you have healed, you won't care if they get it or not; it's a non-starter.

Softcentre posted 8/29/2014 02:57 AM

IME, of the ones who walk away, some do, most don't.

- xWW I know/knew still blames her xBH 12 years later. She has remarried recently and has already been flirting with The Arse on FB (she contacted me, ugh!). BUT, she still talks mostly about her Ex, and seems to still want him, but is trying to tell herself she's better off without him IYSWIM? So she's an unremorseful blameshifter, but is feeling regret

- One xWW I know denies her A, it doesn't exist in her history and they just 'grew apart'. Who knows what she actually feels. But no signs of remorse.

- One WH I know (who didn't walk) is still with his BW, but, IMO, is whiteknuckling it (his A was with the first xWW I mentioned) & his wife has rugswept. He is still flirting with younger women...12years on. No sign of remorse.

- One xWH I know,walked away. He only started to get it once his xBW told him she was getting married. He begged for another chance, was willing to make the changes...but it was too late.

- One xWH married his OW. They both have no remorse for what they did. They 'feel bad' that his xBW got hurt, but feel that they were meant to be together and that xBW has 'issues'

- Another xWP married his OW. They have done the work on themselves to make sure they don't repeat the pattern. This is complicated for them. They got married,then became Christians, then regretted HOW they got together, but not that they ARE together. Both minimise the xBP's pain.


All of these had A's between 7-15 years ago.

GetEvenInAZ posted 8/29/2014 04:16 AM

IMHO-No, they don't suddenly "get over it'.

I see WS's in 3 categories;
Those who get it immediately. See wayward forum.
Those that want to get it but are strugglung.
Those who don't get it, don't want to get it, or are perfectly fine not getting it.

Most of us in S/D are stuck with #3.

HurtingandLost posted 8/29/2014 08:46 AM

My ex (the troll) from my 1st marriage still lives in the alternate universe of I'm the monster. She has told so many lies about me though that she hasnt been able to keep them straight over the years and I'm sure folks see them for what they are.

My stbx alternates between looking at the damage and recreating some alternate storyline of our marriage to change the narrative. While not happily ever after by any stretch of drug induced hallucination, the wild ups and downs had ceased over the past three years until she cheated again.

PNWDad posted 8/29/2014 12:50 PM

I don't think so. I never discuss it with my XWW any more but up until we last spoke of it, she still places blame on me.

She never showed true remorse and has always been the type to skirt accountability and I'm sure she still is convinced to this day, and tells everyone else that it was largely my fault that she had affairs.

betrayedpregnant posted 8/29/2014 14:45 PM

dbellanon has a good theory. They have nothing to gain from "getting it".

Whovian posted 8/29/2014 15:04 PM

In my experience, my WXH doesn't get it. He thinks it's all my fault that he cheated, that I drove him to it by not wanting to have sex twice a day. I don't think he'll ever get it, but he's not my problem to deal with any more and I no longer care that he doesn't get it.

Angeles85 posted 8/29/2014 15:31 PM

The first months after DDAY I really wanted him to at least accept what he did, to man up and tell me straight to my face that YES HE CHEATED ON ME!! ....after all I went through and all the lies and excuses and blaming me I realized that would never happen. At this point in my life I don't care anymore.

[This message edited by Angeles85 at 3:33 PM, August 29th (Friday)]

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