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lknup posted 8/28/2014 21:28 PM

It seems that every email exchange with NPD STBX, I end up looking like the unreasonable one by the time it is over. I try to only email necessities regarding the kids, but I need to say something in this case:

Divorce is not final but we have a parenting plan. I have been very willing to swap weekends to accommodate Swiper's schedule. He emailed a couple of weeks ago with his requested weekends for the fall. I replied back let me check on some dates and I would confirm. 24 hours later, I replied that all was fine except for one Saturday in November which he wanted to attend an event with DD. That weekend is defined in the PP as mine for a weekend event DD and I go to every year. No reply on his part so I must have ticked him off.

Today, DD asks if we have to attend weekend event this year. I know where this is headed, and she confirms Swiper had already told her he was buying tickets for his event, then had to say no we can't go because you need to attend x event with your mom. DD was clearly torn. She LOVES x event. She should not be put in the middle unnecessarily. So, please help me not sound like the B*tch I want to be. We are very close to a signed agreement, so I only want him to consider this in the future.

"Dear Asshole". Scratch that.

"Dear Swiper,

DD was upset because she wants to attend both event x and event y and feels torn between both parents. By checking the schedule prior to mentioning these things to the kids, hopefully we can avoid putting them in the middle of such situations in the future.
Thanks for considering this,

Lknup"

And even with your help I guarantee he will make me look bad somehow.

Nature_Girl posted 8/28/2014 21:33 PM

Don't bother with the email. You aren't going to teach him anything. He already knows this information about not putting your DD in the middle of a power struggle.

This email is just going to be ego kibbles for him. Truly, it will serve you not at all, it will only thrill him to know that he's gotten to you.

lknup posted 8/28/2014 21:58 PM

NG, I know you have lots of experience in this area and I see your point. He has done this before and I let it slide. But I really feel like I need to say something this time to at least put the thought in his head perhaps he shouldn't and in the event we end up in front of a judge. He is Disney Dad to the max. I don't intend to reply to whatever spew he shoots back.

Maybe something like this:
Dear Swiper,
I am sure it was unintentional, but mentioning event y to DD really put her in a position of being torn between her parents. Let's try to avoid this in the future by discussing the schedule first.

Thanks,
Lknup

[This message edited by lknup at 9:58 PM, August 28th (Thursday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 8/28/2014 22:19 PM

I cannot vary from the mandated schedule with NPD FT. If I give an inch he takes 7000 miles and then attacks me verbally.

I think you are being too accommodating and causing trouble for yourself. However, I don't know you or your situation. I just know what hell getting rid of an NPD asshat is.

homewrecked2011 posted 8/28/2014 22:23 PM

You can try,,, but it probably will start an argument.

My XWH and OW got the kids all psyched up for a trip with them to Wisconsin this summer. Told the kids how they would get to sail, water ski, jet ski, etc... THEN the asses emailed me asking for permission. They know there are no overnights with girlfriend or they wouldn't have even asked me.

So people this sick are not going to understand a nice email from you asking for common decency to their children.

Just tell your child yall will be doing the usual event and that you are sorry this was discussed with you - it's really for the parent's to discuss. Hug her. And try to be a grey rock to these people. Only way to get away from the games like this!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:24 PM, August 28th (Thursday)]

Nature_Girl posted 8/28/2014 22:51 PM

I know you'll go ahead & send something. I know this because I did it, too. All it got me was additional lawyer fees and a verbal spanking from his attorney that I needed to stop nannying him and mothering him, that I needed to stop telling him what to do, that I was not to dictate what he said or discussed with the children, yadda yadda yadda. It was used against me in an attempt to prove I was a helicopter parent intent on interfering with his relationship with the children, aka parental alienation.

Just prepare yourself. You will probably pay dearly in some way for sending your message.

Softcentre posted 8/29/2014 01:25 AM

I also recommend crickets, but if you have to send something, don't be nice, be neutral & stick to the real issue.

Maybe

"Swiper,

You already know the schedule for weekends. Telling DD that you want to get tickets for event Y, but can't because she is going with me to event X that weekend, puts DD in the middle of a conversation you should be having directly with me. In future, please keep DD away from these issues. "

I have had to do this a couple of times. It has worked well for me, but only because The Arse is concerned about his reputation and is passive aggressive (I don't think an overt NPD would react the same way). I have also taught ds7 to say "Mummy says, please talk to her" if The Arse tries to put ds in the middle.

[This message edited by Softcentre at 1:26 AM, August 29th, 2014 (Friday)]

Sad in AZ posted 8/29/2014 01:40 AM

IDK how old your DD is, but how about something like this:

"DD, the weekend of event X is your weekend with me. We both like and plan for this event, so let's just go forward with it this year. Let's look at the calendar for next year to see where things stand, and you can decide what you want to do."

Take him ENTIRELY out of the planning. Since these are events that DD wants to go to, let her make the plans. DO NOT give him any power in this.

lknup posted 8/29/2014 03:54 AM

Thanks. I am going to sit on this at least until tonight. Kids go to dinner with him and I don't want to piss him off beforehand. I probably should handle with DD only. She is only 9 and a bit young for her age. I couldn't help but tear up when she told me.
I don't understand wtf he would do this. His reputation with the kids/outside world is so important to him. I try not to say anything about his parenting. He has made a point of doing things I objected to while we were married. So, DD 13 has driven a car, they ride without seat belts on country roads and no telling what else.

[This message edited by lknup at 4:02 AM, August 29th (Friday)]

phmh posted 8/29/2014 06:44 AM

Don't send anything!!!

All it's going to do is cement in his mind that you're crazy, all while giving him ego kibbles.

He knows he shouldn't have done what he did. He doesn't care because he's NPD. There is nothing -- absolutely nothing -- that you can say that would get through to him.

Any attention is good attention in his mind, and if he's an intelligent NPD, he'll find a way to use what you say to him against you.

You have to adopt an entirely different mindset when dealing with NPD. They don't think like you and me.

Please listen to those who have BTDT with NPDs.

Ignore. Crickets. Unless absolutely necessary (and our minds can twist what is "necessary," so I'd recommend posting here to see if it really is for a few months until you get the hang of it.)

NC as much as possible -- will help you heal and it's your only hope of eventually ramping down the crazy in your life due to the NPD.

neverdidithink posted 8/29/2014 13:30 PM

I'd tell DD "Oh honey, you're with me that weekend and we already have plans" She will get used to the schedule and things like this will be very matter-of-fact in no time.

Keep Swiper out of it, that one's a no-win.

lknup posted 8/29/2014 20:35 PM

Thanks for straightening me out. I will not say/email anything.

Latest is some confusion over the visitation schedule this weekend. When I forwarded him the email I sent, he replies back that he thought we had already agreed to what he wanted. Ummm, no. I never did, Swiper. I said you could have x time(my weekend) but I might want you to take that earlier in the weekend. Then I emailed to confirm his time. But again he has already told the kids. Another email exchange bound to go awry. I will forward the two emails that have what I agreed to, but If I don't respond otherwise tonight is that passive aggressive?

He obviously read the emails. First one also had the November weekend mess and second contained other kid stuff he responded to. Sigh, no 2x4's needed. I know he is screwing with me.

Softcentre posted 8/30/2014 01:21 AM

Unfortunately,that's exactly why we say to stick to the letter of the decree with an NPD...even then they try to play games