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I don't know how normal this is but hear me out. For the first few months after the A, my BH expressed often that he should have killed me. Killed the OM. I took that for a while. There was an incident. I called the police. Now they are involved in this. It's complicated. But he seems to be drawn to extreme fantasies of rage. I think sometimes it's just his way of expressing himself but there is a part of me that cringes every time I think he's angry because there is a precedent. He blames me for the legal incident. I mean, I did call the police. I was scared and he had been saying things that made me fear for my safety but I don't know if I believe he would ever really hurt me. He doesn't say he should have killed me anymore but he does say he things that give me pause. It's just distressing to see and hear him so full of hate and rage at the world knowing that I fueled it with the A. I'm worried about him.

[This message edited by shambolic at 9:58 PM, August 28th (Thursday)]

I'm new here. But *I* don't think that's ok. I'm glad you called the police. And I'm glad you're worried about him. I hope everything works out.

In all my years here, newly betrayed spouses usually express rage and have violent fantasies. Who wouldn't?

I took that for a while. There was an incident. I called the police. Now they are involved in this. It's complicated.

Now; what was 'an incident'?

[This message edited by FinallyHappy at 3:23 AM, August 29th (Friday)]

Dealing with the police is never any fun. If he was charged with Criminal Domestic Violence, he is in for a world of hurt when it comes to the courts and the fallout that comes with a CDV charge. Contrary to television shows, once an arrest is made, there isn't an option to "press charges." It is in the State's hands at that point if they decide to prosecute, and they will since more than 90% of people take a plea bargain rather than go to trial.

When people are mad and in a rage, they almost never take responsibility for their anger. Something outside themselves "caused" their anger, so you "caused" him to get mad. Then you "caused" the police to show up and now everything is your fault because he can't or won't take responsibility for his anger issues.

This is a shitty situation and I'm sorry you're dealing with it.

I think it's fairly "normal". That doesn't make it feel any better, nor does it make it ok. You have a right to physical safety. Just MHO.

I think some have fantasies, but most never speak a word of it because there is something about saying it aloud that takes an extra step in the fantasy, per say.

I think anyone who has someone that angry and then threatens your life, those words should be taken seriously. Those are serious words about a serious event. The fact that he is still struggling with this anger could mean that he has taken it internally because of the current legal situation of the charges. Be very careful with this.

Is he in IC? This would be the best case scenario for the both of you. He can document his progress and you can feel safe. Also, the courts always want to see the gradual change in the individuals and this would also help his case.