First of all - thank you all much for sharing your lives and experiences here. Reading your words has given me so much strength and I honestly know I would not be where I right now without you. I am completely heart broken but I have a new strength in myself that I don't think I have ever had.
**warning - I made this very long**
I could make this post really long and provide details that I am just too tired to write right now, bit 100% willing to share. So feel free to ask anything.
My dday was Saturday. That is the day when truth was given to me. My wife and I have been together for 5 years and married almost 3. We were both in marriages that were ending. I had 1.85 feet out the door and ended it for her. She left hers for me. So we started the wrong way. We each have 9 year old girls and a 2 year old girl together.
I fell deep in love with her and thought we had something special. We are both very passionate people with personalities that are probably too similar. It meant when it was good it was great, and when it was bad it was toxic. She expresses her emotions and hurt by projecting anger and just straight meanness. I am a pleaser fixer, and when she cussed me out, I would try to make it stop but resort to turning my hurt back into saying shit to her and being mean right back. That was absolutely wrong of me - and her.
So we ended up pushing each other further and further away. Why should I massage her feet if she is going to treat me that way was my thinking. I was the picture perfect husband - except for the mean retaliations.
I have always wanted to be the perfect person. I was actually good at it too. I did well in school, got married - but to a person I didn't love. I lived the story book life, bit lied to myself about being happy. But I kept going, kept the white picket fence, had the perfect daughter - and left all that when I finally couldn't live the lie anymore. I stayed with my firsts wife almost 10 years. We were together since high school, but I never truly loved her. So I left. I live 4 hours away from that life now due to work asking me to move.
I started over with my now WW. My career exploded into a great thing.
Ok - enough about me. I am going to post this before my battery dies and will continue after charge. Don't want to lose all those details I said I wasn't going to write :)
Back to finish and I am barraged by the length of that first part. I have a lot to get out :)
*********** so here it is. We have been in a bad place for a year. We stopped fighting because she quit caring. And ten I noticed something different. She has no life outside our house. No girlfriends. She hates girls cause they are catty and judgemental she says. But she wants to go out. I'm suspicious but ok. Next weekend, wants to go out. Red flags. Uses a mutual friend as her excuse. A harmless guy that Iet through her. Out till 2. I ask a question about where and she nes a place that turns out I know changed owners and names. I ask friend in a roundabout way and find out way they didn't go out together. I confront and she lies.
*******£ here is where I wish I had found the forum earlier. I snoop and read an email to a coworker from previous job that says, my husband won't let me go out cause he doesn't trust me - for good reason. I would be single if I could afford it. DEVASTION ENSUES. I wait and snoop a little longer. Find an email of a hotel confirmation on her phone for 3 weeks out. I confronted her about us - she says she needs a break - I say that means you are cheating. She lies and I tell her I am not ok with cheating. I have made it clear from the start I would be devastated by her being with another man. She denied - lied.
I tried to nice her back. I didn't say anything about hotel knowledge. That Friday (hotel night) I asked her to meet me. We talked and I tried to convince her to love me, told her I would be hurt if she cheated on me. She lied straight to my face and made all of our problems my fault. But she swore she wasn't, was nice, and promised no cheating and said can I hold you to the same standard. I felt a connection (stupid) and trusted her. No hotel mention. She had fantasy draft night, that's why she was out that night. I checked status of hotel by confirmation number and "shockingly" she went though with it. I called her on A at 1:30 when she got home. She lied to my face and went to bed. I said I know what you did and let her go to end cause I couldn't do it that night with the hurt. Told her everything I knew at breakfast and she admitted after more lies.
I will get more succinct - battery almost died again. We had semi- truthful coverasatin and then done I went to talk to a good friend. I had told him about my suspicions already. Good talk and I went home. Stayed calm and niced cause I love her. Talked more next day and I ended up nicing again. Turns out the pre-fuck Friday convo only "fueled her fire." I was devastated. I cried and tried to reason. I did all the wrong things. We middled along until I found this forum.
I devoured your words. I gained strength and told her the deal. I didn't before cause I was scared to lose her - same pattern from our whole life together. She used bad marriage as excuse and I said NO. All on you. She told more and I said no 3 people marriage period. She said it was superficial with a guy in same situation as her. I told her NC and she said already ended. We got to a point of no return and quit for night. I was calm and strong because of you.
Tonight when girls went to bed I picked it back up. Strongly but not a dick. She talked some and gave more. Coworker but won't give up name. Hasn't had contact. We keep talking and she says her problem is boredom with any long term thing. She admits to other affairs. I say divorce. Find out it was one other about a year ago. I pressed gently to keep convo going and comes out it was a month with coworker ended by her cause "it wasn't worth it." It took much work and strength to keep this convo going. Old me would have gone ape shit before I read this site and found strength. She was remorseful for hurting me for the first real time.
She has a problem with the way "society" views sexual things. I said society has a problem with you hurting other people. You can be a single slut and you get side eyes, your married to a dedicated husband and father and they condemn you rightfully.
Her dilemma is whether she can ever be monogomous. She honestly doesn't know. I say you don't have to it just want be with me. Says she will fight divorce cause she doesn't want to lose our marriage. She is fucked up and knows it.
I own my mistakes but know this isn't my fault.
We got to a stopping point. I am faced with 2 A's and a wife I STILL love with both of us knowing she is fucked up. I will go see a lawyer tomorrow to find out the deal (virginia).
Want to know what's crazy? I still want to hope. There may be a random 1% chance we R. But only if she can commit to fixing herself. I know she deserves nothing from me, but I love her.
[This message edited by Exhausted1 at 11:40 PM, August 28th (Thursday)]