SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

First of all - thank you all much for sharing your lives and experiences here. Reading your words has given me so much strength and I honestly know I would not be where I right now without you. I am completely heart broken but I have a new strength in myself that I don't think I have ever had.
**warning - I made this very long**
I could make this post really long and provide details that I am just too tired to write right now, bit 100% willing to share. So feel free to ask anything.

My dday was Saturday. That is the day when truth was given to me. My wife and I have been together for 5 years and married almost 3. We were both in marriages that were ending. I had 1.85 feet out the door and ended it for her. She left hers for me. So we started the wrong way. We each have 9 year old girls and a 2 year old girl together.

I fell deep in love with her and thought we had something special. We are both very passionate people with personalities that are probably too similar. It meant when it was good it was great, and when it was bad it was toxic. She expresses her emotions and hurt by projecting anger and just straight meanness. I am a pleaser fixer, and when she cussed me out, I would try to make it stop but resort to turning my hurt back into saying shit to her and being mean right back. That was absolutely wrong of me - and her.

So we ended up pushing each other further and further away. Why should I massage her feet if she is going to treat me that way was my thinking. I was the picture perfect husband - except for the mean retaliations.

I have always wanted to be the perfect person. I was actually good at it too. I did well in school, got married - but to a person I didn't love. I lived the story book life, bit lied to myself about being happy. But I kept going, kept the white picket fence, had the perfect daughter - and left all that when I finally couldn't live the lie anymore. I stayed with my firsts wife almost 10 years. We were together since high school, but I never truly loved her. So I left. I live 4 hours away from that life now due to work asking me to move.

I started over with my now WW. My career exploded into a great thing.

Ok - enough about me. I am going to post this before my battery dies and will continue after charge. Don't want to lose all those details I said I wasn't going to write :)

Back to finish and I am barraged by the length of that first part. I have a lot to get out :)

*********** so here it is. We have been in a bad place for a year. We stopped fighting because she quit caring. And ten I noticed something different. She has no life outside our house. No girlfriends. She hates girls cause they are catty and judgemental she says. But she wants to go out. I'm suspicious but ok. Next weekend, wants to go out. Red flags. Uses a mutual friend as her excuse. A harmless guy that Iet through her. Out till 2. I ask a question about where and she nes a place that turns out I know changed owners and names. I ask friend in a roundabout way and find out way they didn't go out together. I confront and she lies.

*******£ here is where I wish I had found the forum earlier. I snoop and read an email to a coworker from previous job that says, my husband won't let me go out cause he doesn't trust me - for good reason. I would be single if I could afford it. DEVASTION ENSUES. I wait and snoop a little longer. Find an email of a hotel confirmation on her phone for 3 weeks out. I confronted her about us - she says she needs a break - I say that means you are cheating. She lies and I tell her I am not ok with cheating. I have made it clear from the start I would be devastated by her being with another man. She denied - lied.

I tried to nice her back. I didn't say anything about hotel knowledge. That Friday (hotel night) I asked her to meet me. We talked and I tried to convince her to love me, told her I would be hurt if she cheated on me. She lied straight to my face and made all of our problems my fault. But she swore she wasn't, was nice, and promised no cheating and said can I hold you to the same standard. I felt a connection (stupid) and trusted her. No hotel mention. She had fantasy draft night, that's why she was out that night. I checked status of hotel by confirmation number and "shockingly" she went though with it. I called her on A at 1:30 when she got home. She lied to my face and went to bed. I said I know what you did and let her go to end cause I couldn't do it that night with the hurt. Told her everything I knew at breakfast and she admitted after more lies.

I will get more succinct - battery almost died again. We had semi- truthful coverasatin and then done I went to talk to a good friend. I had told him about my suspicions already. Good talk and I went home. Stayed calm and niced cause I love her. Talked more next day and I ended up nicing again. Turns out the pre-fuck Friday convo only "fueled her fire." I was devastated. I cried and tried to reason. I did all the wrong things. We middled along until I found this forum.

I devoured your words. I gained strength and told her the deal. I didn't before cause I was scared to lose her - same pattern from our whole life together. She used bad marriage as excuse and I said NO. All on you. She told more and I said no 3 people marriage period. She said it was superficial with a guy in same situation as her. I told her NC and she said already ended. We got to a point of no return and quit for night. I was calm and strong because of you.

Tonight when girls went to bed I picked it back up. Strongly but not a dick. She talked some and gave more. Coworker but won't give up name. Hasn't had contact. We keep talking and she says her problem is boredom with any long term thing. She admits to other affairs. I say divorce. Find out it was one other about a year ago. I pressed gently to keep convo going and comes out it was a month with coworker ended by her cause "it wasn't worth it." It took much work and strength to keep this convo going. Old me would have gone ape shit before I read this site and found strength. She was remorseful for hurting me for the first real time.

She has a problem with the way "society" views sexual things. I said society has a problem with you hurting other people. You can be a single slut and you get side eyes, your married to a dedicated husband and father and they condemn you rightfully.

Her dilemma is whether she can ever be monogomous. She honestly doesn't know. I say you don't have to it just want be with me. Says she will fight divorce cause she doesn't want to lose our marriage. She is fucked up and knows it.

I own my mistakes but know this isn't my fault.

We got to a stopping point. I am faced with 2 A's and a wife I STILL love with both of us knowing she is fucked up. I will go see a lawyer tomorrow to find out the deal (virginia).

Want to know what's crazy? I still want to hope. There may be a random 1% chance we R. But only if she can commit to fixing herself. I know she deserves nothing from me, but I love her.

[This message edited by Exhausted1 at 11:40 PM, August 28th (Thursday)]

Well, unfortunately you begging her to love you did not work and it will not.
So now you have one advantage in that you know exactly what she did and is doing. How you could have met with her hours before she was going to fuck another man and just kiss her and let her go do it is amazing to me.
Now you have two choices since she has admitted what she is doing
(1) you tell her how much you still love her , that all you want to do is be a better husband , and that you will forgive her and go to MC. If you choose this option, congratulations on becoming a partner in a open marriage.
(2) you tell her this is fucking stopping right now and that she is free to do whatever she wants but that you choose not to share your wife with another man. You give her about ten minutes to tell you who the OM is and to tell you that she wants to stay married to you.

If she refuses you tell her you will be providing her with divorce papers as soon as your attorney gets them ready and you suggest she secure legal representation. You can stop that process any time you want but that sends clear message you are not fucking around and that there are consequences she will feel.
If she is remorseful ,which appears not to be the case so far, then you tell her what your demands are to remain I. This relationship.
No Contact with OM
Transparency of all her social media
Commitment to R
You do not ask you demand.
You do not back pedal or accept any blame for her affair.
And if OM is married you expose immediately to his wife

What you have done so far will result in you continuing to eat this unfortunate shit sandwich she has served you.

Only you can stop this. Not without pain.
Call your attorney tomorrow.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 11:44 PM, August 28th (Thursday)]

There are several affairs. She has been deceitful long term. She confuses her resentment at society as justification for fucking around on you. She is not remorseful other than for being found out and your reaction.

She is still reluctant to tell you the truth. That is not fighting for your marriage. That is covering her ass. She has not left the job. Essentially not doing any of the hard work here.

Divorce. Sorry to say it, but I don't see your love for her as being reciprocated in kind.

Your wife has cheated on you at least three times now, she has told you she does not believe in monogamy , and she has told you she has no intention of stopping her behavior.

The idiotic statement that she will fight a divorce is silly . You file the papers and she can fight all she wants.

Until she changes her thoughts what advice can anyone give you that will make any difference. All you can do is decide what you will do.

Google Polyamory and you will see what she is asking for. In short , she would like to be married to you but fuck other men.

She is not having affairs because she is not keeping these guys around. She is just fucking the and when she get stored of them moving in to the next one.

Is that how you want to live???

If not file the papers.

You're on the right path. First is respect for self, without it you don't have the power to put yourself first and make the hard choices.

I would have several issues with your WW. One is the monogamy issue, if true then before you commit to R she will have a heck of a lot of work to do.

The other is her how she deals with issues in the marriage, more specifically the way she treats you.
Severe lack of respect means it's easier for her to detach and pursue these affairs.

It's telling she said she will fight for the marriage..not necessarily for you. Maybe she finally sees you are serious and she's about to lose her good way of life.

Again you are on the right path. Keep being strong and firm. Only with true remorse can you think of heading towards R otherwise in her words she will surely repeat it her behavior again.

I fear failure and dealing with the consequences.

She expects failure and just pushs the consequences aside. Someone will come along to scoop up the skinny blonde. So she has never ha to pay the piper.

She actually sees a slim regret and want to keep this one.

Without some serious ass change in course, she lost him. And I think she regrets it - but it's in her nature to say oh well, that's what I thought would happen - when she made it happen.

I will stay strong and talk to lawyer. I really hate not being there for another child 24/7. I will fight for asuch as I can - hope for 50/50.

This sucks - but I'm not crying anymore. I'm charting a path that will get a good guy happiness.

Thanks you guys for reading that long ass post :)

And I am proud of myself for not yelling and screaming. Thanks for helping me see the light.

It sounds as though your wife has compulsive sexual behavior, possibly even sex addiction. Unfortunate, and nothing that you can fix because she has to be dedicated to fixing her own brokenness.

She doesn't believe in monogamy but yet again signed up for monogamous marriage? She doesn't believe in societal standards but, again, decided to join a mainstream institution (marriage) rather than joining a polygamists' colony.

Please get yourself tested for STDs; I am almost certain that she's had more than two outside sexual partners since she is an accomplished liar and cheat, now having violated two marriages. She showed you who she was when she cheated on her first husband with you. And she's reminding you of who she is now that she is cheating on you with different men. I don't say this to rub salt in the wound but to drive home that this is more than not "starting off right", to paraphrase you from above. It's about a damaged person who uses affairs as stepping stones out of what are supposed to be committed relationships.

OK now that you have stood up to her and laid down the law what's next ? Its apparent in her answers that she still does not give a flying fuck about the M. Follow through is very important right now. Her comments about not being able to conform to a traditional M speaks volumes about her plans for the future. To me they say "I like committing adultery and will continue to do so no matter what my BS thinks" I suggest you back up your words with firm, decisive and swift action. I can think of no better plan of action then to serve her with D papers. You also need to cut her ass off, financial, emotional etc. She needs to be shown what consequences of ones actions are. She needs to experience life without you for awhile. Her words to OM about not being able to afford a D and her lying says she is with you for financial support only. You pay the bills while she goes out and fucks other guys, on your dime I may add. Separate all finances now !!!!! You pay her only what the law says you have to, if anything. No more, no less. Make sure you keep those children of yours safe and happy. They need you very much now. Make sure you stay current in their support and never pay in cash. Check, money order and any other verifiable method only.

Don't put it passed her to try and pull some other bullshit like a false legal accusation on you. You'd be surprised at the lengths a cornered WS will go to. Like a cornered animal they will strike with anything and everything. Don't set yourself up for a fall. Play this smart and you will be OK. Protect yourself and your kids. Get yourself a support system in place, friends, family, SI etc. Get professional help lined up including Legal, medical, financial, emotional. Bottom line is to be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Infidelity and the subsequent S/D process need to be treated as war. Take no prisoners and show no quarter. Go on the offense and don't stop until you achieve your objective. Wars are not won by digging in. You must be active instead of reactive. Keep hitting her legally from all sides and she will crumble, trust me on that one. Infidelity as all about control. A WS asserts it by cheating, a BS needs to attain it by standing up and saying NO..... Take the control away from a WS and watch them wither away. But be prepared for a fight cause they wont give up that control voluntarily or peacefully. Hang in there brother your going to be OK.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 2:09 AM, August 29th (Friday)]

I was thinking sexual additiction when she said more than one guy. I actually moved further to - damn, you really are fucked up, more so than you screwed around me.

The comment to a guy in email about wanting to be single was not to the OM - a different person. When I broke down and gave her some evidence of my issue, it was this email. She said that was for attention and she didn't mean it. I called bs then but didn't have any proof. She didn't f this guy just flaunted what I was to her.

Exhausted1, you're already getting good advice and guidance on what to do from here on out. I'm basically backing those opinions. This statement below from your first post really grabbed my attention -

I have always wanted to be the perfect person. I was actually good at it too. I did well in school, got married - but to a person I didn't love. I lived the story book life, bit lied to myself about being happy. But I kept going, kept the white picket fence, had the perfect daughter - and left all that when I finally couldn't live the lie anymore. I stayed with my firsts wife almost 10 years. We were together since high school, but I never truly loved her. So I left. I live 4 hours away from that life now due to work asking me to move.

You might consider getting some IC for yourself to help you deal with your situation and talking about why you want to be the "perfect" person, and also consider getting the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover. Try to figure out why you chose to marry someone you felt you did not love in your first M. I'm not saying any of your attempt to be perfect is the reason for her A. She owns that terrible decision 100% and there is no rational that forces anyone to have an A. However, I think you want to explorer the pressure and expectation you put on to yourself to be "perfect". You also don't want to pick another "broken" to share your life with in the future. You want to do what we call "fix your picker" while you work on yourself and heal.

[This message edited by Jduff at 10:11 AM, August 29th (Friday)]

My XWW once told me that she couldn't assure me that she wouldn't cheat again. Like a fool I stayed try to meet the obligations I had as a husband and father to keep her from doing so. I had a better chance at winning the lottery. I am telling you this because your wife admitted that she doesn't know that she can be monogamous. That is a giant red flag with the word RUN printed on. Heed its advice.

Jduff - thanks for the book advice. The paragraph you highlighted is what I know about myself and is a fix I know I need to make. This experience, though hurtful, has made me understand it more and want to deal with it. I know I'm not perfect and that's ok.

Thanks everyone else for your comments. I am making am attorney consult appointment. I am staying firm and focused in our discussions. It's hard not trying to help her, but I accept only she can fix herself. No more mr. Nice guy and no more angry asshole. Respecting myself for a change.

I just got a text from her: "You're being eerily quiet, please say something"

I am not her facilitator. I can't fix her. She has never made a first contact like this. I am staying strong - no more facilitating.

I am not her facilitator. I can't fix her. She has never made a first contact like this. I am staying strong - no more facilitating.

What do you mean by being her facilitator.

I think it is time you discuss this with her out in the open. Or you and her with live with the elephant in the room forever.

There really are no valid reasons for someone to have an affair, but if there was ever a close to valid reason, it is past childhood sex abuse issues.

You can get her to realize that she doesn't have to live this way the rest of her life. She can be her own woman without the family bullcrap and without the low self esteem.

Maybe you could call her therapist and talk to him/her about what is going on. Tell them the real issue that needs fixing right now is CSA.

To me it's the fixer, pleaser.

Says she will fight divorce cause she doesn't want to lose our marriage.

javascript:AddSmily('%20%20')

WTF?
You don't attempt to save a marriage by fighting a divorce. Rather you commit to the marriage, which _requires_monogamy.

[This message edited by wewillmakeit at 2:55 PM, August 29th (Friday)]

You know - this fricking sucks. It's a holiday weekend and I said I going to make the best weekend for my girls. We did theme park and dinner. Waitress turned out to be a girl from her high school that was the shot back then that all the guys wanted and had. Now she is serving us beer and saying what a good looking family.

WW has said called off cause it was nothing. I have been on her ass in a good way for me. But it sucks thinking bout my wife screwing other guys. I still seeing lawyer, still keeping distance still pressing.

This just fucking sucks.y wife thinks so little
Of herself that she is just a piece of p.

Sleep - 3 hours per night. Can't shut off my freaking head. Taking OTC tonight and she can handle our 2 yo.

I just learned that I am in baby steps.

I f'ing this up.

wife thinks so little
Of herself that she is just a piece of p.

It is obvious the only way the marriage can be saved is number 1, she quits screwing around.

And for number 1 to ever happen she has to go to IC. There is no other way. She will continue to screw around until she gets herself figured out, and she cannot do that by herself.

And she cannot do it while lying constantly about the situation.

So what has she said about going to a therapist, starting immediately.

You have stated that your wife has already demonstrated her ability to use your family income to pay for IC and sat there in therapy while fucking other men.

So why on earth would you want to repeat the exact same exercise in nonsense. The answer to every problem is NOT to run to a marriage therapist.

The first thing that has to happen is for you to tell her it has to STOP. Do you understand that. it has to stop and if it does not you do not give a shit as to why she is doing it.

She has flat out told you that she does not believe in monogamy. What makes you think a IC therapist is going to brainwash her.

you can send her to any kind of therapy you want, you have the cart before the horse.

She wants an open relationship, you do not. no one is going to fix that for you.