Before I entered into my current relationship with my B.S., I was in a 7-year relationship with a girl up north. I ended it and moved here, and SparrowSoul and I got together. My ex-gf and I have not seen each other this entire time, nor have either of us made any effort to. I can count on one hand the amount of times we've emailed or texted each other in the two years since we've been separated, and I assure you it's been friendly; nothing questionable or illicit. But the fact that we've been in touch at all may make my B.S. uncomfortable, particularly nowadays. Our relationship, though long, is over, has been over, and never going to start up again or pick up where it left off. Our friendship, if you can even call it that now, is cooly distant, polite, and very infrequent. She emailed me recently, after I made a public announcement about my current relationship with SparrowSoul on a social media site, and pretty much expressed her feelings; how she would find someone in time who treated her the way she deserved, etc... Not "holding a torch" but just venting in general, since she never did (?). I never responded, and I have no desire to. It is my belief that she won't send another email.
My question is this; should I respond and issue an NC letter to her? If so, why? I feel like it's already over- and I'm fine with that- and I know she's not interested in me anymore; she wasn't the last year of our relationship IMHO. Of note; on one hand I get what an NC letter would do; it'd basically turn our sporadic and infrequent communications into no communication, which is fine, and likely where it already is. On the other hand, I feel like it would hurt her, hurt me, and while I don't know why, it's how I feel. I want to stress that it's not so much pain that I'd consider NOT doing it if I needed to, because my B.S. comes first. It would just hurt.
What are your thoughts on the matter? Your feedback is appreciated.
Thanks for reading.
[This message edited by RMarred at 11:41 PM, August 28th (Thursday)]
I was up above it. Now I'm down in it.
On the other hand, if you want to make it clear you will not be communicating with her again and would prefer she not contact you, then a clear, concise, NC letter would be a concrete sign you're placing BS first rather than concern over your ex-gf's opinion of you.
Your BS comes first? Then be proactive and cut this tie to your ex. Don't ask your BW, just do it. Show her you are willing to put her first, that her feelings are your priority. This is a chance for you to show her you are willing to do what she needs to make her feel safe.
When a WS cheats, and they want to R, they need to shore up their boundaries. This is one you need to work on.
Interesting that you made a public announcement about your affair and attempts to R...and your ex emails you talking about how you treated her badly and, in time, will find someone else..why did she feel the need, after you announce your boundaries have slipped, to email you to talk about her old relationship with you? Because she was fishing.
NC her. She is not a friend of your marriage.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
In my opinion, this ex is fishing. This is a good opportunity for you to recognize this type of thing. Whining to a married man about the state of her lack-of a good man is inappropriate. Let me give you an example of the type of response exGF hopes for:
expressed her feelings; how she would find someone in time who treated her the way she deserved, etc.
"oh exgf, you deserve a great man, because you have these ________ awesome qualities. A guy will be lucky to have you"
And boom, you're off to continued conversations of building her up, talking about relationships, etc.
I'm not saying you would do that. I'm just giving you the feeling I get from what she said.
That being said, I think a NC letter may be a little much. I would just stop communicating and block her. But what matters is what your BS wants.
ETA: wait a minute, did you vent about some negative part of your relationship on social media?? I think you should not ever do that. I thought you had simply said something mundane or positive about your relationship.
[This message edited by OutoftheDeep at 9:25 AM, August 29th (Friday)]
What does SparrowSoul want you to do?
This is the only thing that matters.
macsecond: That's pretty much exactly where my head is at on this matter.
Now, just to clarify a few things;
It's not Facebook - it's an online artwork community site. Messages any one user writes can be read by anyone, friended or non. Anyway, she can be blocked there, and will be. I'd actually find it easier to block her everywhere and be done with it, as I have not been replying, nor have I wanted to. Analyze that however you will.
The announcement was not about the A, it was simply an announcement that B.S. and I are together; I'd never made a big announcement about it in that community, and she suggested I do so.
I doubt sincerely that my ex-GF was/is fishing. I think she was just saying her peace, since she never did since I left her, and the state we lived in 2 years ago, and is now quite done with me. But that's just my own thoughts.
No, I didn't vent about anything negative on social media- I made an announcement to a bunch of strangers that I'm in a relationship, and talked about how I was going to focus more on it, and less on the art community. Generally positive.
Also I guess, as gently as I can say it, I agree with your stance on the NC, but if it gets deemed necessary, then it's done.
Nonetheless, this NC letter is likely to happen, because I DO put my B.S's feelings first. I am somewhat sure that if I'd just written and sent it already without even mentioning it until it was done, that there's a chance it'd be seen as proactive behavior; "would this make my B.S. happy/calm?"
The only reason I haven't yet is because at this moment, B.S. is not sure it's a good idea to do so.
[This message edited by RMarred at 9:37 AM, August 29th (Friday)]
It's up to sparrow on how she wants to handle it.
My opinion is that ZERO response to her is better than a NC letter. She's a nobody and deserves no response at all. A NC is a response and since there isn't an active relationship then NC isn't required. You just don't ever respond and you block.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
Is it because she wants you to be the one who decides, because she doesn't want to feel like your mother, telling you what you should, and should not do? Or maybe she feels guilty, because she knows going NC will hurt you, and she loves you and doesn't want to cause you to hurt? Both of these are common in new BS's. However, the only thing that matters is protecting your marriage. An ex is not a friend of the marriage. Unless she is also friends with your wife? If the answer to that is a "no," then NC is needed.
I am somewhat sure that if I'd just written and sent it already without even mentioning it until it was done, that there's a chance it'd be seen as proactive behavior; "would this make my B.S. happy/calm?"
No, no, no. You are misunderstanding this all over the place and there is some hostility in your comment. Please don't take this as bashing but your interpretation of all of this is wrong. You should not be flying by the seat of your pants.
First your ex was fishing. I'm not sure what has to happen for you to believe that, but ask for help please. That's a serious danger to your relationship, not recognizing threats to it.
Second you are to NEVER have private, personal communication with any woman, especially an exgf, without informing your bs and getting her approval. None as in zero. Your bs needs to read and approve all communication, including a NC letter.
You've used your words as weapons many times. (Lies) Your word has no value now. There is no trust and an appropriate reason she shouldn't trust you. You arent thinking in terms of keeping her safe. You aren't understanding the situations you are in. Right now, you are very dangerous for her.
Pull back. Slow down. Start to question your own motives. Look for truth. It seems as though you have not been digging deep enough. Have you discussed your resentment of sparrow and having to do all of this crap with a therapist or on the wayward forum?
[This message edited by BtraydWife at 12:03 PM, August 29th (Friday)]
I doubt sincerely that my ex-GF was/is fishing. I think she was just saying her peace, since she never did since I left her, and the state we lived in 2 years ago, and is now quite done with me.
Thanks for clarifying that you weren't venting about your relationship on social media. But
Rmarred, no, she was fishing. If she is done with you, why the need to say her piece? Done is done. If an ex said things like that to me, I'd be like "wth?". Likewise, I can't think of any good reason why I would contact a committed ex of mine and say things like that if I was truly done.
As someone else pointed out, it's important for you to recognize this behavior. You felt uncomfortable with it enough to post here, why? Because it should make you uncomfortable. I think your instincts are working, but you are trying to minimize it and convince yourself that she's "not holding a torch" etc. As it stands right now, you seem okay, but don't let this go any further.
Your BS is uncomfortable, then end of story. Exgf needs to fade away into the ether....
I'm pretty much going through a funhouse mirror reflection of this situation: BW thinks I'm the OW because her WH is fixated on me. I'm not having an affair with him but she suspects so that's all that matters to her.
Look: I'm going to give your exgf benefit of the doubt and say that she wasn't fishing. Doesn't matter. You have gone outside of the relationship so you can't have any contact with any exes, period. It's a high risk / low reward situation where any hint of impropriety is going to lead your BS to rightfully conclude you are in a full-on A, even if that's not the case. Plus being wayward means having poor boundaries by default. Just no. I don't think you have to send a nasty NC letter because IMO she hasn't really done anything wrong. Just express that NC is a non-negotiable because you are M and it's what's best for everyone involved. I wouldn't threaten legal action or anything of the sort. But your focus needs to be on your M, not anyone outside of it.
6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay
Im wondering why your BS isn't sure it's a good idea to go NC with your ex?
Is it because she wants you to be the one who decides, because she doesn't want to feel like your mother, telling you what you should, and should not do? Or maybe she feels guilty, because she knows going NC will hurt you, and she loves you and doesn't want to cause you to hurt?
That's basically the long and the short of it.
Firstly, the message that came in was the second one she'd sent recently(the first was apparently just vitriol from her towards RMarred, but I'll never know because he deleted it without telling me it had come in). I only found out about this message because a gut feeling led me to poke through his email, and I happened to find it there. I hated the poking, but I hated what I found even more.
I hate the thought of him doing something just to shut me up/move forward, especially when it will apparently hurt him. IMO, and I've said so, if it's causing you pain it's because you're still attached, one way or another. And if she's contacting you after almost two years just to bitch about what a crummy boyfriend you were, she's still attached one way or another, as well.
To me, it smacks of fishing for attention if nothing else, and I don't like that. She was jealous and possessive when they were together, and it looks almost like she still thinks it's okay for her to act/feel that way. I don't like that I wasn't told about either of these messages, or that they came in via Google Hangouts rather than by regular email.
It all just seems shady to me, and I told RMarred that him NCing(which I agree is unneccessary just yet) or blocking(preferable) her is basically pointless if he doesn't want to do it for his own reasons. If I force somebody to behave, they're just going to have more reasons to sneak. I'm not going to MAKE him do anything. I just wish he'd want to do it on his own.
"Dum spiro, spero." - "While I breathe, I hope."
The cure to all of life's problems is salt water; Sweat, tears, or the Sea.
Your BW clearly is uncomfortable with this ex. You are less than two months past dday. If you want to R, you need to be doing everything to make her feel safe.
Yet you don't want to NC the ex...because might hurt her feelings, and yours.
When are you going to put your Wife's feelings first?
Right now would be good. Make sure she sees the NC email before you send it. But, don't do it at all if you're not going to honor it.
I wanted to add....because you minimized the number of emails, didn't mention you deleted things, didn't mention you didn't tell your wife,but that she found this out on her own, or mention that they came through Google hangouts,not regular email(possibly a place to chat where it's less likely your wife would find out)....It seems to.me you were asking our opinion, but left these facts out..deliberately...to get the response you wanted. Your wife saw this. That's why she filled us in on the rest of the story.
Why is contact with the ex so important to you?
You see, as a WS I was able to recognize I had poor boundaries. And had to pull myself back in order to learn appropriate boundaries. So why are you concerned about hurting another person's feelings at the expense of your BS? Why does this person matter so much? Do you understand that at this point only 2 months out, all responses should be filtered through your BS? You should be thinking WWSSD? And then WWRMD? and then notice the difference. And then discuss with your BS the situation, your thoughts on what you would do, your thoughts on what she would do, and then what you want to do. So you want her to feel safe? Because this sounds a little "all about rmarred" to me. Are you conflict avoidant? why? why is your first response to "not protect your BS" a lot of us waywards are like this. Hence how we got here in the first place. but that needs to change in you. So there is good advice in this post. your BS has even responded, so you know exactly where she stands. You have no doubts. So what are you doing to change this behavior?
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
I don't value my now-two-years-out ex-GF's feelings over my B.S. I'd like to stress that. I do however, for whatever reason, feel like an NC letter would be excessive, and as you can see from the varied responses I'd gotten to the inital query here, I was not alone in that thought. Anyway, to address the first email I got, I wasn't trying to minimize anything- the first email was literally two short, hateful sentences, directed at me and only me. I was not, and am not trying to prolong anything relationship-wise or friendship wise with my ex-girlfriend; I left there two years ago to be HERE. I don't know how to stress that to make it resonate. Anything she sent me was pretty much treated as spam. The second email remained in my inbox, which is how it was found; I made no effort to conceal it, and my B.S. and I have gone over that. I'm discussing it now so you all get a better understanding of it.
Nonetheless... thank you for your advice, it's been helpful.
[This message edited by RMarred at 9:33 AM, August 30th (Saturday)]