Finally, I have detached as much as possible, but how do you stop the love and feelings for them? And the hope? And cross into acceptance? I am scared I could never find love like what I had again... I hate the thought of starting over now... And not being able to love someone else in the future as deep as what I thought I had... I'm worried I could never love someone as much as I'd want to because the feelings I have for my WH will never go away... Do the love and feelings go away? Or change?s
~ DIVORCED ~
I am so sorry that you find yourself here, and that your WH has said the things to you that indicate he is not wanting an R.
You are still so fresh in the trauma, but it is amazing that you have manned up and initiated D proceedings and have house on the market. You acted from a position of strength, you knew deep down what reality was. You deserve a cheering section on how well you have faced the situation and taken care of yourself.
Finally, I have detached as much as possible, but how do you stop the love and feelings for them? And the hope? And cross into acceptance?
I've read so many here who are stuck right back at the "WH could change his mind if I niced them enough." That is not you, but when someone gets left behind, there is still the psychological struggle to deal.
you ask:
...how do you stop the love and feelings for them? And the hope?
I was amazed to find that the dynamic has even been addressed in a peer-reviewed study ( heck with MRI brain scans and all!):
From Fisher et al 2010,Reward, Addiction, and Emotion Regulation Systems Associated With Rejection in Love. Journal of Neurophysiology
However, little is known about the process of unreciprocated love and romantic rejection (Aron et al. 1998; Baumeister et al.1993; Fisher 2004). Investigators have divided separation from parent during development into two general phases: “protest” and “despair” (Bowlby 1969). This is reminiscent of observed behavior following romantic rejection (Lewis et al. 2000). During a protest phase, romantically rejected individuals often obsessively try to win back the beloved. As resignation sets in, they give up and slip into despair. However, these general phases of rejection grief are not yet substantiated. In light of the potentially severe consequences of romantic rejection, as well as its cross-cultural incidence, strong behavioral effects, and association in the literature with addictive behaviors, it is notable that there is only one brain-systems study of this."
for the whole paper, see http://jn.physiology.org/content/104/1/51.full-text.pdf+html
If what the researchers present is valid, we experience feelings of despair and disbelief that are sort of wired into us, no matter who we are.
I don't know if that is of any comfort or help; I am a nerd that tries to find a fact that makes sense of the universe, so maybe this only works for me.
But knowing that these feelings may be in some way a normal human reaction might give you a perspective that you can use in working on your questions. Please share this idea with your IC, see how they think it fits with what you are experiencing. For me, knowing that I am not insane to feel these things ( well, at least that I am experiencing something that is a norm) helped me in my thinking.
Again, I want to say that I admire the strength and resolution that you have so far showed in your journey.
It is sad, it hurts a lot at first, but lessens over time.
Then, if you are true to yourself and your own recovery, you will be able to love someone just as much as you did this first one. I takes a long time. Figure on 2-5 years. My first wife left me over her newfound religious convictions, it was pretty awful, but it passes, you just have to try to stay sane through it all.
Standinghere put it nicely, he's no longer the person you once fell in love with and eventually they'll become a stranger again.
If you hold onto forlorn love feelings for him, it will probably never go away.
However, if you focus on the fact that the person you once knew and loved is dead and gone, and you have to find it in yourself to move on.
How you do this, by falling in love with yourself again. Do the things you once enjoyed. It's hard at first but just like riding a bike, it comes back quickly.
Will you be able to love someone as deeply some day? Absolutely and probably even deeper.
When my previous partner left me, it took me several months of therapy to realize I had done nothing wrong and he was not the person I thought he was. I knew he had deviances that I didn't welcome into our relationship, that he eventually left me for someone who did.
At the end of it all, him leaving me was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I was a new person and my confidence grew stronger and I was able to meet someone who I have a much stronger relationship with.
Once you get your mindset out of that rotten place, and realize he's nothing to you anymore, and focus on your future, you will feel alive again and full of fervor.
I wish you strength and endurance.
