SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am looking for some support. It’s been almost two months that I found out my husband has been in an extra marital relationship for the past 7+ years. Every time I questioned something that was suspicious, he had explanations for it and I believed everything he said. He stayed overnight at work and went on official trips on weekends, worked on holidays and I believed all that. I have known him since we were little kids because our families are so close to each other. We are married for almost 16 years and have two kids. He has been a loving husband and a great father and did everything for our family. I never imagined this would happen to us. I called the woman when I found out and she had no clue he was married and had kids. I saw hundreds of their pictures online taken during their trips, restaurants, hotel rooms and in her place. He even went to meet her parents and family several times. She said she is done with him. My husband does not like talking about it or would not discuss anything about it. He said he stopped seeing her or talking to her but I saw he is still getting calls from her. He refuses to go for counseling. He gets mad when I start talking about it. It really hurts and I have no clue what I should be doing. I know we are married forever and I want to make this work. It is really painful to live like this and I can’t stop crying. He says I am spoiling our life by thinking about it and being sad all the time. He wants me to pretend nothing has happened and move on with our life.

So she was like a second wife without a marriage license.

Lots of things you must investigate. At first we all wish to reconcile, but that's before we know the whole truth and before it all sinks in. It's impossible to reconcile without all affair information, without the big picture - and I mean really reconcile with love, caring and a true marriage. It's possible to stay together in an Icestorm kind of marriage of two strangers living in one house. But I doubt that's what you want. So your husband can get as pissed off all he wants, he can storm out and rant and rave and turn red in the face but you must insist on truth. Because in the long run you hold all the cards here even though he thinks he does, and you even think he does and feel weak. He doesn't. You'll grow stronger.

These questions I list below you don't have to answer here, to us, but there are things you may wish to know during this process. Also, don't bother asking him. He will just lie. You'll have to do the independent research.

How much money did he spend on this woman? Help her buy cars, condo, vacation money? Do they have a child together (you really, really need to do some quiet research on this aspect. There are reasons she may have for not telling yet, if there is one). Just because she says she won't see him again doesn't mean that she's serious. Just as you want to kick him out one minute and beg him to stay the next, she's probably doing the same. Everything you're feeling, she's feeling. If you miss him, she's missing him. If you want to live your life with him, she wants her life with him, too.

One person can't reconcile. If your husband's going through withdrawal from the loss of her, it's going to be rough on you. He will not wish to read information about affairs, because he probably thought he was so smart and smooth and you so dumb he pulled off the perfect adultery. Probably smirked every time he left the house. But you will have to show him that the process is long and difficult, and he can't escape it whether he chooses you or her.

Stages of recovery and marriage grief are inevitable, whether reconciling or splitting up. It hurts like hell either way.

Whichever woman he winds up with is going to be angry, miserable, question everything, distrust him and during the anger stage, tear him a new a*hole, though he seems to be so big of a a*hole already there may not be room for an extra one.

You've known him for nearly your whole life, and now he's a stranger. Awful feeling. We all know what that's like to some extent.

He's been wearing a "mask" disguising who he really is for the past 7 years or more of your marriage. He's been an actor in a role. Often, the man in the mask can't bear to face his own exposure and have the spouse see who he really is behind the mask, and that's why he's angry at you. His life was perfecct with double nookie double fun and you ruined it.

So I suggest you hit the anger stage quickly, because you'll learn that the more we cry, the less sympathetic the WS will be.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 3:21 PM, August 12th (Sunday)]

Thank you for your response. He did spend money on her. There were cash withdrawals on our bank statement all these years, 2-4 times a month. Of course he had explanations for all that too which I believed. Now I realize by looking at the bank statements that these cash withdrawal locations were all close to her place. Instead of using the card, he mostly withdrew cash and used it so I will not figure out what he did with it. No, they do not have a child.

Since my husband would not prefer to talk about it, I feel like to call her again and ask about the status of their relationship now, that if he is still talking to her or seeing her, but I am not sure if it would be a right move. When I called her first time she apologized to me and said she didn’t know he was married.

I doubt she'll be honest if you call her. She apologized and said she didn't know he was married and then told you she was done with him.

But now she's still calling him? Don't trust her. My WSO's AP called ME and told me there was nothing to worry about, they were just friends, nothing was going on, etc...they were in the middle of an 8 month A.

I wanted answers too. You deserve to have them. But I don't think you can get the truth out of either one of them right now. Do your best to get info on your own for now. Then maybe you can have enough "proof" for another confrontation.

I'm so sorry, dawn...this hurts, I know. And the not knowing, not talking, being expected to pretend it's not an issue makes it that much harder. Been there.

Welcome Dawn,

Sorry you're here. My XH told me the same things and I believed him too. So you're not alone. Why wouldn't you believe your own husband, right?

The OW in my situation also did not know he was married, but she did cut it off after discovering the truth.

It's hard to say what's going on in your situation with your OW. Maybe she really didn't know and the continued contact is her looking for her own answers. Hard to tell. Either way, your focus needs to be on your WS.

His behavior to me is screaming NOT SORRY!!! It seems all he wants to do is sweep things under the rug and pretend it never happened. And most of the time when a WS is showing this type of behavior, they are continuing the affair.

The best rule of thumb for you to follow at this point is to believe NONE of what he says and pay close attention to his actions and behavior. That is where you will find the truth.

A remorseful WS will do everything and anything to repair the damage THEY have caused, and do everything and anything they need to do to repair and rebuild what they have destroyed. They will bend over backwards to make sure their BS feels safe in the marriage again.

"I don't want to talk about it" doesn't sound very reassuring.

Hi Dawn, it's been 18 months since I found out my spouse was cheating with an employee. When I found out, I was devastated, in shock & of course, blamed myself for his atrocious behavior. Since that time, I finally got the courage to file for divorce, which is where things stand right now.

There are many alarm bells going off when I read your story. First, this was a very long affair; so the likelihood that she didn't know he was married is very low. Second, he seems to have a narcissistic smirky attitude about getting away with the affair for so long & is showing NO remorse or introspection. You CAN NOT repair your marriage if he 's like that. And third, the other woman has every reason to reassure you she's not going to see him any longer. If they can lull you into thinking it's over, they can take the affair underground. And fourth, believe NOTHING he tells you. Believe only what is concrete (phone records, bank records, real things, not his words). And finally, you need to keep copies of EVERYTHING related to the affair, especially admissions by him and financial records. If you reconcile, you can throw them away in ten years. If you end up in court, you will NEED THEM because he will lie even more.

Your job right now is to protect yourself and your children; emotionally and financially. And GET TESTED as they always lie about having 'safe sex.'

Oh, and if that's your real name, change it to something else. You don't want him getting on here and reading your private thoughts.

Oh, one more thing: I was told by my counselor to "Turn off the sound and just watch the movie." Meaning, watch what he DOES and pay NO attention to what he SAYS! These types are great at telling you what you want to hear and doing exactly what they want behind your back.

See a lawyer and find out what your rights are. Take half the money and move it into an account that only you can access. Do it before he takes it all.

Only you can decide how you want to live but it doesn't sound like he is interested in R. I would prepare myself for the worst and make sure you get as much in writing as you can esp. all financial records.

You need to take care of yourself now. He won't, believe me. He only cares about himself right now.

Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate it.

He continues to be a good husband and a great dad. He admits the mess he created and says he is getting out of it. He is afraid the OW may take legal actions against him for fraud so he wants to be diplomatic when she calls. He doesn't want to get her angry. He told me he will never marry her and whatever happened just happened. He has no explanation for that. He told me all these the day I found out. I am not afraid he would leave me. I know he can't. I was just venting because my chest feels like it is crushed. I have never felt this kind of pain before. I am glad I came here because all of your responses are so helpful. I just need some strength to get out of this pain.

(((Gently here))) but good husbands don't cheat on their wives for 7 years and great dad's don't cheat on their children's mother.

He's afraid SHE will take legal action? For what? On what grounds? There is more to his story and you better get to the bottom of it.

He should be worried about YOU taking legal action against him.

I agree with the others. I think you need to at least consult with an attorney to find out your rights. If this ends up being a case where he has an OC with this woman, you will need to protect you children and yourself financially.

I know. I am just trying to stay positive and calm. Its not just her that he fooled, but her whole family. I saw their family pics which includes him. Now they all came to know he is married and they are all upset.

Jilted girlfriends don't sue for fraud.

He's blowing smoke up your ass or there is more to the story.

And staying positive and calm is fine, but don't go into denial or let him bully you into believing things "just because he says so."

This is your life too and you have to think about yours and your children's future because he's NOT.

It's easy in these situations to allow the shock to take over. Then soon all you want is for things to "go back to normal".

But you must realize that things will never be the same again.

I'm not saying that you can't recover from this, but by him expecting you to ignore it and "pretend it never happened" is not a healing process nor is it a sign of remorse.

I'm so sorry that you have to be here.

I agree with sadtoo. I recently found it, and I think I was in shock... and then wanting things to go back to normal became an extremely strong desire/hope. I was stabbed in the heart again when WH wouldn't agree to NC to OW. that only told me things haven't even begun to heal, much less "get right".

You need to learn how to take care of yourself. Regardless of whether this marriage will work out or not. I am struggling with that reality, too, because I hear a lot of me in your words "I know were are married forever and I want to make this work."

You can't make it work alone. He has to commit to working at it, too, and sadly.. My heart breaks for you and for me ... he hasn't. Whether he will, I don't know. But right now, he hasn't.

You need to take care of yourself.

I'm sorry. There is more to this story.

Did he marry her and lie about his marital status? Were they planning a wedding? Where else would "fraud" come in. Something is not right here. You really need to start digging, I'd be on the phone to her family. Believe nothing he says, nothing she says. Nothing. He is trying to appease you both right now to cover-up something, you need to find out what that something is.

Just wondering how you're doing.

The wayward spouse always wants to just forget about it and not address it. Lot of reasons for that. They are ashamed, they are horrifed that they hurt you so badly, the affair ended badly and they don't want to think about it, they feel foolish, etc., etc., etc. The other possibility is that he is either still in the affair or he is still in love with her.

As long as he has the attitude that you are "spoiling our life" by being upset, then there is not much hope for a reconcilliation. You have got to demand certain things and the best way to give yourself leverage is to let your heart entertain the possiblity of divorce, know that if that is the outcome that you will be OK, then 180 his butt big time.

See a attorney, get your ducks in a row. That is usually the only thing that will knock a WS out of the fog, when they think they could lose everything.

We all know how you are feeling. My husband also had a 7+ affair starting when we had been married 33 years. We are doing fine now, but it took a lot of work, counseling, talking, talking, talking.

This is a great place for you to vent and get your feelings out. Hugs to you.

Thank you for checking on me, sadtoo. I don't know if I will ever feel good.

kansas1968, thank you. Your post is encouraging. Gives me hopes.

Thank you all. I am glad I found this place! I still can't believe I am going through this.

Dawn,

Believe it or not, you will begin to feel better. When? Hard telling and depends on the circumstances.

Try to keep posting. It does help. I know this is so hard and some of the things said are probably not what ou want to hear or even consider. But better to be aware then in the dark, right? At least with all the facts, you are in a better possition to make solid decisions

"Turn off the sound and just watch the movie."

that might be the single best bit of advice I have ever read on here. Sorry, I'm going to blatently steal it :)