SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Unbelievable. I'm staying NC on this, but I am shaking with rage. How dare he call me out when I have done NOTHING but protect our children from the shit that he's pulled. Does he think he's going to make me feel guilty? He's painted me into a corner-- I'm doing the best I can to let my children know that the OW and I will NEVER be friends/hang out/have any sort of relationship WITHOUT telling them about who she REALLY is, and he thinks that I need a f$#%&*@ lecture on how to be a good parent? FTG:

Dear TA74,

I am writing this in hopes that we can communicate and be effective parents together to our children. Please let me try to explain:

OW and I both know that our affair was a horrible, wrong, selfish, and hurtful thing that has unfairly devastated marriages, extended family, and spouses -- it is something we discuss on a weekly basis.

That said, OW and have a solid plan to learn from our past and plan to live a life that each of our children can be proud of. I want to do everything I can to make things go smoothly for them, so that they can be happy in a loving environment with you in your home, as well as with me in my home.

Over the weekend, DS #1 mentioned being "confused" because, "Mom said that OW didn't always make the best choices." I cannot dispute that your statement is the truth. You could have gone on to say worse things. I don't know the circumstances of the conversation that he heard this, but I wanted to write to you about this. I know you would agree that it is important for the kids to feel safe, comfortable, protected, and secure no matter where they are. While I can understand that you disapprove of OW (and our relationship), I hope that in the interest of the children’s well-being, you can protect them from that kind of statement in the future, even though I realize that it might be very difficult to hide your personal feelings. I know you would not want to negatively influence the children’s opinion about spending time with me, as doing so could potentially cut me out of their lives. I hope that DS #1 overhearing that kind of statement doesn't create more confusion in what is already a difficult situation. I hope that he and the other children can form their own opinions and not be influenced by any negative feelings either of us may have. We both want to make sure that the kids are unburdened by adult problems, as I am sure you would agree. Again, I am bringing this up in hopes that we can have effective communication with each other about cooperatively raising our children.

Well, I don't know about you, but I am damn glad they discuss their failures as human beings on a weekly basis.

*phew*. Dodged a bullet there and I know I will sleep much more soundly now.

This email is annoyingly pseudo intellectual and solely intended to bait you, all under the guise of beings the worlds Most Caring Father. Do you feel he consulted both a dictionary and a thesaurus to pull this off?

I'm sorry. I can imagine how angry you must be. Breathe :)

but I am damn glad they discuss their failures as human beings on a weekly basis.

Hah! That was my first thought too!

Second thought? FTG.

? What is FTG?

I know you would agree that it is important for the kids to feel safe, comfortable, protected, and secure no matter where they are.

If he wanted his kids to feel safe, protected and comfortable, perhaps he should have made their home life a more hospitable environment by not fucking some whore?

I would say don't consistently bad mouth your ex or his OW, but you do need to tell your kids some variant of the truth if they ask you questions. If you don't, what they imagine will be far worse. (ie: they might think they are to blame)

Just give them age appropriate information. if need be, take your kids to counseling and let them talk about it with a third party. invite ex so he can be in the counselors office to hear it as well.

If he thinks your kids haven't figured out what OW and he did, he is damned fooling himself though. My daughter was eight, and I told her nothing, and one day in the drive thru line at Taco Bell, she told me "Dad has this woman at work. She's his 'every day woman.'" I didn't tell her anything. In fact, I was pissed off that he didn't bother to hide his whoring around from our precious eight year old. I certainly didn't want her to think that's how all men behave.

That said, OW and have a solid plan to learn from our past and plan to live a life that each of our children can be proud of

.

well whoop-dee-do!!! All is good then. Because they have A PLAN! Of course they only hurt you and everyone in your family and OW's family before because they did not have A PLAN. But now they have A PLAN so all of the damage has been magically repaired. Kinda like using the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. Isn't it cool??!!

Um, yeah. FTG and the whore he rode in on. If he ever brings it up again then I would simply respond with "Bite me"

I know you would agree that it is important for the kids to feel safe, comfortable, protected, and secure no matter where they are.

If he wanted his kids to feel safe, protected and comfortable, perhaps he should have made their home life a more hospitable environment by not fucking some whore?

THIS!!!!! Grrrrrr. He's made this mess for you to try and navigate through. He should have thought about that before. Kids DO know more than we think they do, and you sure don't want them to think you condone affairs.

Good Grief!

FTG. Oh I love his email!! He sounds like a fucking idiot "trying" to come off as fucking father of the minute. I need for you to use all your superwoman super powers and not respond!! It would feed his ego for days! I am imaging if this email came to me from my stbx, I would be extremely pissed!! So I am giving you a huge hug for not running out letting him have it. OW AND HIM ARE THE LAST PEOPLE ON EARTH WHO SHOULD GIVE ANY PARENTING ADVICE!! Who the hell do they think they are? FTG and NC!!

? What is FTG?

I think it's FUCK THAT GUY!

And then there's FTH&STH

"Fuck that guy and his super twat ho."

@nokidding--FTG = Fuck. That. Guy.

and not be influenced by any negative feelings either of us may have

That guy doesn't *get* to have negative feelings towards you. Fuck him.

Your WH is incredibly smarmy and condescending. I hate him.

Fuck...That...Guy....

He's pulling you up for that comment? What a joke. Fuck him.

I know you would not want to negatively influence the children’s opinion about spending time with me, as doing so could potentially cut me out of their lives.

Is that supposed to be a threat?

dude - your children will judge you/OW for YOUR actions past, present and future. Nothing to do with me. This is all you.

OF COURSE our children are going to be confused when their father is a POS who imposes another POS on their lives.

Still blame shifting. What a loser.

monster is doing so much cocaine/booze that he is making up crazy shit. Anything negative his children express is my fault.

I answer my girls questions honestly in an age appropriate manner and in a positive way.

When they are upset about something (lately her invading their time with him) I give them cuddles/understanding/validation and encourage them to also talk to him about it. It's not my job to clean up his mess. It's my job to help them navigate through their feelings about it whilst not making my own mess.

When they have happy news I hear them and cheer along with them whilst keeping the focus on them in the stories, not on the whores.

I don't hide the elephant in the room - I make it as insignificant as it is. My opinion here would be a non-issue for them but for their idiot father grilling them about every little thing that comes out of their mouths.

Everyone know OTT reactions when a 2.5 year old says something you don't like ensures they keep saying it.

We were talking about telling the truth and why. Miss 5 pipes up that she told him I told her to call him a Douche. I asked why she was telling stories (our word for lie) and she said "because Daddy wanted me to say that". ie: he grills her so much she feels like she has to produce something to make him happy. I reinforced that it was her always better to tell the truth even if it made people cranky.

So mad, so sad.

I make sure my girls know that they are loved and none of this is their fault. Big people get cranky about silly things sometimes too.

Maintain NC here - crickets - nada - zilch. DO NOT RESPOND.

Maybe print it out and wipe your arse with it. Now THAT would give it a useful purpose.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 10:53 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

What a fucking joke and he is a damn moron!

I wouldn't lie to your kids but tell them the truth in an age appropriate way when they ask questions.

He should have thought about the consequences of having an affair. Now he can live with the consequences of his actions. The truth always comes out!

D-day#2 I told the kids we were divorcing because daddy is in love with another woman who is married.

Not proud of the moment....but I certainly never had to hide EX's secret from the kids again. I hid that secret for 3 years all while he decided to cheat on me with her all over again.

They asked me who it was. I told them. It's never been brought up again. She ended up not leaving her H and stayed M, so different than your situation of OW being with your EX. Still once the cat is out of the bag, no more having to navigate the waters over potential slips of the tongue.

If he was really concerned he would be making it up to you and the kids with a genuine R. Giving you what you want now, till you are healed.

The letter said to me:

Look I messed up and have a round table conference on it weekly with my GF.

I am too lazy to work up on R with you OR too egoistic to bow down to you.

So lets do something thats better for the kids.

What a dickhead. Honestly.

Is he really posturing and puffing out his big man chest because you said that OW doesn't always make the best choices? Or something to the effect that you are not friends with her? Really? Give me a fucking break.

It sounds to me as though the kids are getting the sense that OW is an asshole and that they are none too pleased about their dads decision to make them part of an insta-family. It also sounds like OW asked him to come to her rescue against the big, bad, scary ex- wife. It must be your fault that the kids aren't over the moon over her, right? Must be because everything else that goes wrong is our fault. No such thing as natural consequences in la la land.

FTG is right!

He must have read an article about parental alienation and felt the need to send an email alluding that subject so you know who's boss and so he can show his lawyer how smart he is. No doubt he and OW high- fived each other over it once he hit the send button. Talk about transparent and stupid.

And I won't even go into what a condescending ass he is with his bullshit about how he and OW know their wrongs and are just trying to be better people NOW that everything is all fucked up. They even take time out of their fantasy land lives to talk about it. Wow! They are awesome.

I wish I could find him and punch him square in the nuts for you. Since I can't, crickets is the best option.

Another cheater playbook move...unbelievable! I received a very similar email when the kids "overheard" things.

CRICKETS do not take the bait.

Maya Angelou's saying, "When someone shows you who he is, believe him" is all I could think about when I read this email. It's nothing but a bunch of hot air. Since this whole thing started he's done nothing but lie and do what is best for him, not the kids. If he really meant what he said in this email, he would:

1. Tell them the truth in an age-appropriate way so that they understood why Mom and OW will never be friends. The kids won't be confused, but he'll never do that-- he doesn't want to do the hard work or to ruin his nice guy image with them.

2. Slow down in his relationship with the OW. He blathers on about making mistakes and learning from them? Then he should be modeling a healthy relationship for his kids, not one that moves at lightning speed. As I mentioned in a previous post, he's going to have a fiancee and a wife at the same time!

3. Apprise me of what goes on in our kids' lives when it comes to major events. He hasn't told me anything about what he's been up to with the OW-- introducing her to the kids, telling the kids that she'll be their stepmother, telling them that he's going to propose... I had to hear it all from them and help them deal with it as best I could while I was in shock. He thinks our kids all love her and can't wait for this to happen? He's delusional. Two of of my kids have NEVER said a positive thing about the whole situation. They are both unhappy with it. My eldest is doing the best he can to please both parents, poor kid, but if he had his way, his mom and dad would be getting back together, not this.

4. Follow the terms of legal agreement to a T and not shove me off of his health insurance early. Instead, he's causing unnecessary strife between us because he wants his marriage NOW. It's like being married to Veruca Salt!

Thanks for reading, everyone. I'm maintaining NC. I appreciate your supportive words-- it really, truly helps.

What's best for the kids given the current situation:

1. Truth. He said that he couldn't argue with what the kids were saying. It IS the truth, so, tough fucking cookies that it's an uncomfortable one. And by the way, HE didn't make the best choices EITHER. Know what's best for the kids? OWN YOUR CHOICES. OWN the fact that you are fallible and you fucked up and it's impacting the kids. And own that there are (surprise) consequences for for that.

2. Respect THEM. Acknowledge that they are actual human beings entitled to having mixed feelings and (gasp) confusion when their family explodes and their father has an OW. Fucking deal with it. Hear them out. Validate that it's ok for them to be confused. If they weren't confused about the current state of things, I'd be shocked.

Cheese and crackers.

When WH & I were still separated, & I was getting evidence, daily, of his continued contact with OW, both inside work & outside (found out she wanted WH to move in with her), I didn't watch my mouth at all around the kids. I don't think they even knew what her real name was, since I only referred to her as the SLUT. WH told the kids that he was out of the house because he & I were "working on some issues". But, all 4 of our kids guessed on their own what was really going on. DD#1(20 yo) asked: "Does Dad have a girlfriend?"

DD#2 (11 yo) (who had spent the day at work with WH 3 months earlier) "Is Dad's girlfriend named ******? She was hanging all over Dad, acting like his girlfriend, when I was at work with him."

I think kids are smarter than we think , & that they are going to guess the truth anyway, or imagine something worse.

As parents our job is to teach them right & wrong.

tryingagain74, your comment about OW was mild compared to what I would have said about her to the kids. Our kids need to be brought up knowing that infidelity is wrong.

Don't even give that a**hole xWH the respect of a response.

Maybe print it out and wipe your arse with it. Now THAT would give it a useful purpose

I've been D for over a decade now. I kept a similar letter until my kids were adults. The perv had the lawyer write it up. You know what? The judge saw right through it then. And now? It clearly shows how FU he was then.

Kids are not stupid. They know who is the bad person by their other behaviors. Over time, they will come to recognize selfish, mean, passive aggressive, etc., all on their own. You dont have to say a thing. They get it.

Just keep on doing what you are doing. Loving them, supporting them and making sure they know its not their fault.Teach them right from wrong. The Bible says to honor thy father, not give him a father of the year award.